AMA with AMA: Don't CELL your soul.
A few cell phone questions + our first meet up!
Dear Kula Diaries,
I am arriving in your inbox one day early this week with a very cell-phone focused AMA… and a reminder that our first meet-up for the Don’t Cell Your Soul group starts tomorrow at 5pm pacific time. This is a virtual meet-up, hosted by me, that will serve as an accountability group for folks who are looking to practice more mindful habits around cell phone and social media usage. Our first session on the 29th of November is the ‘prep meet up’… which will organically flow into an entire month of accountability in December. During the month of December, I will be hosting multiple calls throughout the month where you will be able to craft your own strategy for mindful cell phone usage. This class is for paid subscribers ($5 per month), which helps to cover some of my time and also helps keep our Zoom links private and free of Zoom bombers. Think I’m kidding about that? The last time I hosted a free call on Kula’s account… I ended up with a Zoom bomber riding a roller coaster in the middle of my call…. hahahaha!
In fact… I have video proof of that exact incident, for your absolute and utter enjoyment (still proud of myself that I was quick on the draw and able to capture this historic moment):
Our Don’t Cell Your Soul group will continue into December with optional calls taking place every Tuesday and/or Friday evening (all hosted by me - I’ll post the schedule on November 30th!). I really think these calls are going to make a difference for folks, and I’m pretty excited to see how we all feel at the end of the month.
Since our first session is tomorrow, I thought I’d share some cell phone specific questions that were left in the AMA Kula Diaries Vault. I can’t wait to see some of you tomorrow night on the call, and I hope that being more mindful about cell phone usage in a very deliberate way will have a tremendously positive impact on your life.
Ok… time for the questions!
Dear AMA,
Can you share examples of what your screen time was before and after your phone experiment? Or is that metric not important to you? How have you been ‘measuring’ your progress?
Almost immediately after I made the commitment to break my cell phone addiction, I joked that I was getting, ‘addicted to not being addicted to my cell phone.’ Ha! Just as quickly as I decided to quit using my cell phone in an unhealthy way… my cell phone addiction reared its ugly head under the guise of becoming obsessive about seeing how few minutes that I could have on each app (which meant that I was… you guessed it… looking at my cell phone to check my screen time). I have lovingly called this phenomenon, THE CELL PHONE BONE. This is the sneaky part of a cell phone or social media addiction that disguises itself as being ‘productive’. What is the cell phone bone? The cell phone bone is the bone structure that becomes active almost instantly as a thought enters your mind… like a seductive mistress, its luscious gaze is almost irresistible… we slip our hand into our pocket without thinking and pull out the phone to check on something that we don’t really need to know.
For me, the cell phone bone becomes the most active when it masquerades as, ‘looking something up’, or ‘doing research’ on something. These things seem perfectly reasonable… and they have nothing to do with Instagram… so it is very easy for my mind to convince me that I need to know this information right now. What does this look like played out in day-to-day life? It looks like having a thought on my walk at 4:30 am (when I could be looking at the stars) and immediately opening my cell phone and searching Amazon… or AirBNB… or the internet… or Poshmark. It looks like pulling out my cell phone in the middle of a conversation so that I can remember the name of something… instead of just being OK not knowing the name of something. It looks like wondering what somebody that I have never met is up to and then looking on their Instagram account to see what they are doing, even though I have no reason to care what they are doing and I’ve never even interacted with them in my life. It looks like having a thought about buying a chocolate bar, and then spending nearly 30 minutes on my walk looking up artisanal chocolate bars and then tripping over a branch of thorns and landing on my face on the gravel.
The cell phone bone must be broken, at all costs. For me, breaking the cell phone bone was the biggest part of letting go of my unhealthy habits — and it often takes physical will power to make a decision not to pull my cell phone out of my pocket. Because I am very aware that this habit is a part of my own struggle, I also knew that looking at screen time metrics would ultimately not be helpful for me — I’m the type of person who becomes a bit obsessive about numbers, and I know that I’d end up competitive with myself about it… basically, I’d replace one unhealthy habit with another. I will say that my screen time pre-cell phone addiction was embarrassingly high — there were probably days that saw 8+ hours of cell phone usage. I checked my screen time this morning for the purpose of answering this question, and it looks like yesterday my total screen time was 4 hours, which included a 45 minute Zoom call and a good portion of the day where I had my messaging app open because I was sending photos of my dinner and Larry David memes back and forth to my mom. I also had the NY Times cooking app open for about 45 minutes while my phone was on the kitchen counter because I was cooking homemade biscuits, and I was using the Sam Sifton biscuit recipe (it’s amazing!). I had zero minutes on Instagram yesterday. Last week, I did look at my screen time during a work day and by the end of the day, I had 1 hour total of screen time — which included me uploading about 5 minutes worth of pre-recorded videos to Kula’s Instagram and a pre-recorded reel to my own Instagram account.
Metrics aside, my greatest measure of success is how I feel. I no longer feel a physical desire to check my cell phone for any reason whatsoever. I no longer feel a sensation of ‘missing out’ on anything if I’m not online. I don’t feel guilty for not being there and I don’t feel like I am being controlled by the collective consciousness online that tells me how I need to act, be, feel and exist in this world. I feel a sense of freedom that I haven’t known in a long time. I feel like I could throw my phone out the window tomorrow… buy a flip phone… and not care. I feel like my entire business does not depend on Instagram for its success. I feel creative and alive and I feel like I can enjoy moments for exactly what they are — beautiful moments of life that are beautiful in their own right, not because I’m sharing them on Instagram. I feel like I can totally immerse myself into the things that I am really excited about (like writing on The Kula Diaries!). I have ideas for writing books and ideas for playing music and ideas for singing songs with my husband while he plays his ukulele. I truly feel like life itself has come alive again - it is no longer dulled by a digital screen or lens.
And, in the same breath, I am also unbelievably grateful for social media and for the beautiful gift of friendship that it has given me. So many of my dearest friends were people that I met through Instagram, and the Kula community has bloomed on Instagram in ways that would never have been possible if the app didn’t exist. I see that when I have a healthy relationship with social media and with cell phone use, I can enjoy the parts of social media that have brought me joy… and I can leave behind the parts that have manifested into unhealthy and addictive behaviors. There are many things that I love about social media: I absolutely love filming silly videos for Kula’s Instagram account… and I love filming silly videos for mine. We get feedback almost daily that our Kula IG account brings a lot of joy and laughter into people’s lives. How can I deny the goodness of that? Our world is faced by a lot of darkness on a daily basis… and if a little pee cloth company can make a few thousand people laugh, then I do believe it is worth it. If I can play a song on my violin, and make somebody else in the world smile… that’s worth it too. There are so many aspects of social media that I truly love and value.
Finding a balance is my definition of success. I never started my Cell Phone Bone Break-Up because I wanted to quit social media altogether. It was more or less a question: Is it possible to have a healthy and meaningful relationship with my cell phone that includes social media, but is grounded in the actual world (not the digital one)? The answer to that question is, wholeheartedly, yes. I truly believe that I have broken my unhealthy habits and addiction to my cell phone. I live most of my life in my real world… and I enjoy sharing parts of that life in the digital one. For years, my life was led in reverse: most of my attention was spent on the digital world, and very little of my attention was placed on the things that really mattered in my actual life. I neglected very important things for a lot of years, and I know that things have changed… because those relationships are flourishing, my happiness is not based on needing a constant stream of outside validation and mini endorphin hits, and I no longer need to share everything that I do.
As I’m writing this answer, my cell phone is sitting next to me on the desk (because I had to look up the screen time metric - ha!). In years past, I probably would have picked up my cell phone every few minutes to ‘check’ and see if anybody had responded back to one of my dozens of random, pointless stories. Now, my phone can sit there. On the weekends, I often forget where I left my phone because I set it down somewhere and rarely even pick it up anymore. A few years ago, my phone was so fused to my cell phone bone that it might as well have been a part of my hand. I sit here now and I look at my hands as they type… they feel free and light and happy. The next thing I pick up when I walk away from this desk won’t be my phone. It might be my violin… or maybe I’ll pet a cat… or hug my husband. When you don’t try to fill the empty space in your life with something that isn’t real, you open yourself to the love that you somehow forgot was there.
Dear AMA,
How might your phone experience change if you lived alone? That is - when screens can become your only source of human connection for days or weeks at a time.
As you allude, I do not live alone — I live with my husband and three cats, so I definitely do have relatively constant connection with other living beings. That being said, my phone experiment is not a no phone experiment… it’s just a more intentional phone experiment. So, if I were to live alone, I don’t think that I would change much about it. I might ask myself an honest question about my phone usage: Is this specific phone activity contributing to my life in a meaningful way?
For instance, scrolling Instagram might offer a little bit of a sense of connection… but it could also be preventing actual connection from being possible. Sitting and looking at a phone all day might deter a solo-dweller from leaving their abode and going for a walk in a local park… where they might actually encounter some other humans and/or joining a group activity or a local meet-up. However… chatting on social media could also create connections that lead to real-life friends (i.e. learning about a group hike opportunity through a social media channel). So, again, it is more about the quality of what you are doing — and making a conscious decision to do things that feel good to you. If you believe that using your phone is getting in the way of opportunities for real connection — that would be a moment when you could realistically evaluate if some behaviors need to change. On many levels, digital ‘socialization’ as a replacement for actual socialization can be very isolating. I also understand that some folks might be in a situation where they have no other option — and so, I would encourage everybody to look at their own unique living situation to make a determination as to what constitutes valuable time spent on the phone. In a situation where digital connection is the only option … it’s possible that scrolling Instagram would likely offer less valuable human connection than, perhaps, chatting online or a Zoom call with friends.
I also believe that there is a place for intentionally mindless scrolling and ‘zoning out’. Sometimes life is really tough… and sometimes doing something that helps you zone out a little bit is a really good thing. I love that the Kula Instagram is a place where people can go to laugh — comments like that make my heart really happy, because giving somebody a teeny smidgen of laughter is a good thing. Sometimes, watching really funny videos on Instagram is what you need. There is definitely a place for making a decision that, “Right now this is what I am going to do, because it is going to help me in some way”. I definitely enjoy a good ‘mind eraser’ (not the drink) when I’ve had a tough day — so please don’t feel that I am on a pedestal of exceptional phone usage. I still will ‘waste’ time on my phone — the only difference is that I’m doing it intentionally (not unconsciously)… and not every other minute of the day.
For me, the entire phone experiment started because I knew that I had a problem with my phone that was negatively impacting my life. It’s entirely possible that somebody else might use their phone just as much… or even more… and not see it as a problem. This was not the case for me. I could tell that it was hurting many parts of my life. If I lived alone, I don’t think my approach would change — if I felt like I was depriving myself of opportunities and experiences that were valuable to me… then I would likely decide to eliminate or change those aspects of my phone behavior. So many of the things that I ‘gave up’ on my phone were not things that were helpful or useful in anyway at all… and, if I were living alone, I think I would still have made the decision to eliminate them from my life.
I don’t want to give the impression that I don’t use my phone at all — I absolutely do use it! I just don’t fill every empty space with it anymore. I don’t post something to Instagram and then go back and check to see, ‘how my stories are doing’ about 500 times per day. I spend a lot of time using my computer… doing intentional research on the internet… and running an eCommerce store, so technology is absolutely a part of my life in a very important way. I also spend about 45 minutes per day on Zoom calls with The Dance Experiment. The most important way to approach and integrate this phone experiment is to look at your unique situation and figure out what phone usage is valuable and important to you… what phone usage is subtracting value or meaningful experiences from your life… and then make a determination based on your situation. I don’t think this is a one-size-fits-all solution … and that is precisely what makes it work… because each person can figure out what intentional and meaningful usage will look like for them… and why it’s so important to make those changes so that we can each lead a life that feels enriching and fulfilling and connected to things that matter.
Dear AMA,
What are you “consuming” (besides cookies!) in the pivot away from social media? What shows/films/podcasts/books are you enjoying?
I have had so much fun doing non-cell phone related things. When you intentionally ‘break up’ with social media, the first thing that you will be shocked and astounded by… is how much time you have. In the first few weeks after I ‘left’ social media, I remember feeling like I didn’t know what to do with all of the time that I suddenly had. Almost every spare second (literally) had been spent with my face buried in my cell phone… so you can imagine that suddenly having about 6 extra hours in the evening felt… weird.
At first, I discovered that I really loved using the time to clean my house. I am by no means a complete slob, but I had a habit of leaving various piles of things around the house. I tried convincing my husband that these were art pieces, but he never bought it. Ha! My husband and I started tackling projects that were actually pretty simple… organizing our guest room, rearranging our motorcycle gear, and installing new lights around the house. It felt good to actually get these things done, and I felt a distinct sense of connectedness to my home since I was no longer feeling a physical desire to check my phone every four seconds to see, ‘what was going on’.
Other than cleaning and going on walks… my husband and I started playing music together again. He hadn’t been practicing his ukulele a lot, and I had neglected my violin a bit… so it felt really good to take them out again. I even started singing along a bit, which is something I’ve never done. I cantered once at the Catholic Church where I went to middle school and it was a horribly terrifying experience. Apparently, I can easily play violin for thousands of people… but singing? Definitely out of my comfort zone — which is why I’ve been trying it out a little bit more.
Here’s us playing some music together in our house:
I’ve already mentioned that I prefer to do most of my walks silently. I don’t listen to podcasts in the morning, since I really try to keep my mind as open and blank as possible on my walks. Of course, this is easier said than done… as my mind has a tendency to drift (as minds do). Recently, I’ve been crafting a fictional story based on real-life events… it involves a Creepy Cat Detective, and I’ll probably share it here on Substack. Ever since I wrote the Fissure in the Universe Duo of stories, I’ve been feeling really inspired to write more fiction. I’ve discovered that turning something that feels ‘bad’ into a fictional story… has a way of lessening its grasp on me. It’s been a way for me to find a little nugget of gold in something that, by all accounts, seems to have no silver lining.
Right now, I’m reading a book called Loch of The Dead by Oscar De Muriel.
It’s a mystery book that involves a branch of a police department that investigates supernatural happenings. It’s engaging and interesting to read — I love the characters and the story hooks you almost immediately. I usually go to bed at 8pm on most nights (due to the 4am wake up - ha!), so I don’t get a ton of reading in, but I do try to read it before I go to bed.
I started listening to the Heavyweight podcast a few years ago, and I recently have started listening to it again, thanks to the suggestion of my mom. I usually listen to podcasts while I’m driving, and this one is really fantastic if you’ve never listened to it before. I highly recommend it. One of my favorite episodes is called 44 Photos… but, really, all of the episodes manage to strike a perfect balance between something relatable and something profound.
On the note of podcasts, I want to share a link to one of my favorite podcast episodes of all time. When this came out… and it was long before podcasts were a thing… I heard it on the radio and listened to it on a CD. I have listened to this episode of This American Life about a chaotic production of Peter Pan more times than I can count… and I’ve never been able to look at a raw light bulb the same… ever again. I just re-listened to it again (while writing this AMA), and it is just as hilarious now as it was decades ago. I hope that you laugh as hard as I do when I hear it.
Otherwise, I have really been loving having more time to write (both here and in a journal format). It seems like my writing ideas are just POURING in, now that I’m not filling my time with my phone. In fact, I’ve had even better ideas for social media… and I have fun filming those, when it feels appropriate. I’ve been working hard on my new small Motorcycle Apparel Company, and that is exciting for me too. I also started designing a pair of shorts a few months ago… and my first prototype should be arriving this week, so I am anxious (in a good way) to test those out.
As you can probably imagine, Kula takes up a significant portion of my time… it’s a lot of work to run a business (ha!), but I really do love it. I’m a pretty quiet person normally, and when Aaron and I are home, we have been enjoying doing crossword puzzles together in our paper crossword book. For the record, I purchased a specific book that contains only Monday and Tuesday crossword puzzles… we are not nearly good enough to brave the Sunday crossword puzzles quite yet. We also enjoy taking walks together… and we are actively trying to finish visiting the last 6 lighthouses in our Lighthouse Quest. We are hoping to finish 3 of our final 6 lighthouses this coming weekend… and we have a date scheduled to visit Captain Joe at the Point Robinson Lighthouse on Vashon. Some of you might recall that I mentioned Captain Joe in a post a few months ago. Captain Joe is a reader of The Kula Diaries, and we have remained in touch via e-mail over the past few months — and we are very much looking forward to reuniting with him at Point Robinson. Aaron and I even volunteered to bring our instruments (violin + ukulele) to play some holiday tunes.
I also recently decided to start knitting again. Many, many years ago when I was a volunteer at Hopewell Furnace National Historic Site, I learned how to knit. In the history of my life, I have knitted a few beanies and many, ‘things that look like scarves but never actually become scarves’. I’m not entirely proficient at finishing my knitting projects, but I love the meditative act of knitting. Once, when I was a volunteer at Hopewell, some photographers showed up to take photos for the Bucks County Tourism guide. They took a bunch of photographs of me while I was very poorly knitting a scarf. Months later, the photo of me appeared in the printed version of the tourism guide, incorrectly labeled as, ‘Young Amish girl knitting’. The rangers at the park were so taken with my newfound celebrity, that they all had me autograph copies of the tourism guide. It was my first brush with true fame and fortune — never could I have imagined that many decades later, I’d be ‘micro-famous’ on an infinitesimally small scale for owning a pee cloth company… and that my knitting skills would remain virtually unchanged. The universe has a funny sense of humor.
And finally, I would be remiss if I forgot to mention that I try to spend as much time as possible playing with our three cats: Cinder, Niko and Esa. Cinder has recently decided that her bed of choice is small plastic bin that once contained Organic Spring Mix from Costco. We’ve been moving the little bin around the house, and she seeks it out and falls asleep in it:
I’ve noticed a significant change in the last few months, since I decided to break up with my cell phone addiction: I’m happier. Not just a little bit happier… but significantly happier. I used to see people say this when they also made the decision to break their own phone addictions… and I would shrug it off… “Good for them”, I’d think. Honestly, I thought that they were probably just saying that to make the rest of us feel bad about still being tied to our electronic leashes. But I’m here to say… that it’s true. The last four months have tested me in ways that I’ve never been tested before — professionally and personally, I’ve dealt with things that have been really challenging, but underneath it all… I’ve been happy. It’s like the constant noise and buzzing of the world that was always telling me how I needed to exist on this planet was muted… and so now, I have the chance to figure it all out for myself. The world is a lot less complex when we start by tending to our own lives first. I’m very sorry I neglected my real life for so long — and it feels really good to get it back… and to remember all the things that I really do enjoy and love.
Yesterday, my husband and I pulled up at a gas station to get gas, and I watched as every single person at every single gas pump around us put the gas pump in their car… and immediately pulled out their phones. My husband was pumping the gas, so I got out of the car and noticed the sky — it was bright, and blue and beautiful. I joked with my husband and laughed. If I had been looking at my phone, maybe I would have missed the sky. Maybe I would have missed that laugh. What is the cost of the moments we’ve missed? I’ve been trying not to think about that too much… but I do know that I have a choice now: I can choose to look up.
Friends, thank you all so much for being here - I’m so grateful for your support over the last 6 months of writing The Kula Diaries. I am sending you all a lot of love, wherever you find yourself today.
Love,
Anastasia
P.S. You can always submit comments or questions for a future AMA to the Kula Diaries Vault - I love reading them!
So happy you decided to share your cell phone journey! I'm working on my homework and its soooo interesting to write down what unconsciously occurs with my darn phone. Whoa I waste a tremendous amount of time going down rabbit holes for "what reason"... I look forward to Friday!
So glad it’s being recorded, I have to take my son to his middle school band concert at the same time!