The Pee-Pod: Nut-butter, Burritos, Reflective Thread and Lighthouses.
A random assortment of things I wanted to write about.
Psst. As always, this post is far too long for e-mail format, so click ‘read more’ at the bottom to see the whole thing (or listen to the voiceover above!).
Dear Kula Diaries:
Hey, it’s me … at a lighthouse! Admiralty Head Lighthouse at Fort Casey State Park, to be exact. More on lighthouses in a moment…
This week, instead of writing my usual AMA column… I decided to do something new. I’m starting a completely random and sporadic column called ‘The Pee-Pod’ (see what I did there), which is a place where I can share things that don’t necessarily fall into any category at all. So, that’s what the Pee-Pod is going to be… random, interesting, fun stuff that I hope you enjoy too. My hope is to pick a variety of random topics… write about them… and then see how they all morph into stories and/or reveal something more important through the act of talking about them. So… let’s get started and just see what happens!
Content Warning: I do talk about disordered eating in the first blurb about nut butter.
A Story About Nut Butter
If you’ve ever looked at the Kula Cloth Instagram account, you probably know that I love nut butter… and eating nut butter with tiny spoons. I am a self-proclaimed ‘nut butter influencer’ who has never been paid for a day of nut-butter influencing. And yet… my dedication is admirable… I persist valiantly in my effort to share the world’s most delicious nut butters with the Kula Community. I even made a shirt to commemorate my dream job as a nut butter influencer. But trust me… there’s more than meets the eye to this non-income producing side-hustle of mine…
So, what’s up with the nut butter? Well… a few things - and probably not what you’d think. I actually hesitated to share this - because it’s something I have never talked about - ever. As a small-sized person, talking about my own personal struggles with food feels… weird. Ultimately, I decided that my experience was valid because it was my personal experience - and that it could potentially help others who might be struggling (as I did - and sometimes still do).
When I first started college, I was thrilled that Dr. Pepper was on tap - but I quickly was told that if I drank Dr. Pepper, I was going to gain the freshman 15. I went on my first ‘diet’ when I was in college: I don’t know why I thought I needed to lose weight, but I did. I bought a six pack of Slim Fast shakes and bars and almost passed out in my chemistry lab because I was so hungry that I became nauseous and light-headed. Many of the girls that I knew in college were eating a diet that consisted entirely of cucumber slices, egg whites and sugar-free tea (I’m not making this up).
For too many years, I bought into diet culture and the idea that I needed to be on a constant quest to lose weight in order to be ‘healthy’. In 2015, I signed up for a program to count my macros. In a nutshell, my ‘coach’ would give me my ‘macro targets’ (i.e. a specific number of grams of proteins, fats and carbs that I was supposed to eat every day), and each day I would spend approximately 16,456 hours entering in every morsel of food into My Fitness Pal. At one point I was literally weighing out my cherry tomatoes… and once, I brought a scale to a restaurant and weighed my french fries. At first, I thought this was ‘great’ because I lost weight (which I thought I needed to do… not true)… but I felt really f*ing hungry all the time. I was, without a doubt, the unhealthiest that I have ever been (physically and mentally). I still remember telling my coach how hungry I was at night (I was working nightshift)… and she told me that if I got hungry, I just needed to drink a lot of water or go to sleep. My fat macros were relatively ‘low’ - only around 55g per day… which meant that eating a large scoop of nut butter (something that I adored with a passion)… was completely out of the question. Reluctantly, I gave up nut butter because it wasn’t going to fit into my macros. The sheer horror of this makes me cringe now.
The more I continued to track my macros, the more obsessive I got… and the hungrier I got - because I was eating the same amount of macros every single day - which meant that it didn’t matter if I went on a 17 mile hike or sat at home… I’d eat the same amount of food. Needless to say, I was starving. I thought about food about 99% of my day and began a terrible habit of ‘hoarding’ my macros - which meant that I would literally starve myself during the first part of the day so that I could eat a larger meal later in the day… because I was so worried about not having enough macros and being hungry. Let me just restate that again to point out the absurdity of this method: I starved myself so that I wouldn’t be hungry. Huh.
It was actually while I was watching the show Alone that I realized I had a problem. In the Patagonia season, there is a contestant who has hoarded an ample supply of dried fish… but he isn’t letting himself eat them (even though they would have sustained him)… because he’s too afraid of being hungry. When I watched that episode, I gasped out loud… because I realized that I was doing the exact same thing. I knew something had to change. I was eating the least amount of calories that I had ever consumed in my life… my period completely disappeared and I felt terrible. My body and metabolism had basically shut down, because I wasn’t eating when my body wanted me to eat… when I was actually hungry. Finally, I said, “f-it”. I deleted My Fitness Pal, quit counting macros, threw out my FitBit and decided that I needed to do something else.
Miraculously, within the next week or so, I saw an e-mail mention a book called 'Intuitive Eating’. “Intuitive eating?”, I asked myself, “You mean people can do that?” I ordered the book and read it… and immediately realized how disordered my eating behavior had been … for a very long time. I decided to try the process (which is detailed in the book - I’m not going to try to paraphrase it here), to the best of my ability… and I went out and bought some nut butter for the first time in years. It was not easy for me at first… but slowly, I started reintroducing all of the things that I told myself that I wasn’t allowed to have ever again (like my infamous chocolate chip cookies… and yes, I eat one of them every single week!). And you know what? I gradually learned how to listen to my body and to nourish myself. Sometimes that means eating when I’m not hungry too. I still struggle off and on with the ‘food police’ in my head that wants to tell me when to eat and what to eat and how much to eat… but now I know that I do not need to listen to the food police. I get to decide what I want to eat and when. It is a feeling of true freedom.
Note: please do what works best for you. If tracking macros or calories works well for you - I think that’s great. This story is my own personal experience and through experience, I learned that it simply is not a good fit for me.
This is a long story that has nothing to do with nut butter - but everything to do with why I love eating it. Nut butter represents freedom to me - freedom from the voices in my head that used to tell me that I didn’t look good enough… or that I had eaten too much… or that I shouldn’t eat because I’ll ‘ruin my dinner’. Nut butter reminds me that there are so many wonderful tastes to enjoy in the world - and that loving myself through all phases of my life and body is what matters the most.
So this begs the question: what are my favorite nut butters? Right now… I’m huge Oat Haus Oat Butter fan (birthday cake flavor is my favorite - add extra sprinkles!!). I am also an absolutely massive fan of Nerdy Nuts. They release new flavors every week… but my favorites are Confetti Cake, Birthday Cake, and Monster Cookie.
Do you have any favorite nut butters? Seriously, please let me know - I am always looking for new brands to try and dip my tiny spoons into!
A final note: if you are struggling with disordered eating or a diagnosed or undiagnosed eating disorder, I have so much empathy and compassion for you, friend. It is not easy. There are a lot of great resources out there (including the book that I mentioned above about Intuitive Eating). The National Eating Disorders Association is a great start if you are looking for help on your journey. I am sending you a lot of love!
The Great Burrito Quest of 2023
My husband and I have been on a quest to eat 36 burritos on motorcycle rides this summer. This all stems from the fact that I ‘accidentally’ purchased a case of gigantic tortillas from a restaurant supply store online. When you purchase 72 massive tortillas… it really causes you to think long and hard about your personal burrito consumption. As a part of this burrito quest, I’ve been getting more and more creative about labelling our burritos. My routine is simple: make a burrito and then create the most absolutely ludicrous sounding description of what the burrito contains. When Aaron and I arrive at our dinner spot, we each take a turn reading out loud the label for our burritos… and then take a photo of them in the location where we ate them.
This week, the temperatures are going to be creeping up into the 90’s, so we decided to pivot from our normal afternoon/dinner ride… and do a breakfast ride. We packed our Jetboil Stove + some Copper Cow Churro Coffee and Latte Creamer (I’m not sponsored by them… just really love their coffee and creamer!)… and we headed out on our motorcycles to the Mountain Loop Highway - which is just a short distance from where we live.
I remember the first time that I went to the Mountain Loop Highway… many, many years ago - it was for a day hike to Gothic Basin… and then a subsequent backpacking trip with my mom to Gothic Basin. I took my mom to Gothic in early July, which meant that there was still snow on the ground… and to this day, we still joke about the, ‘lake incident’. The lake was still just a sliver of blue water on top of melting snow… and as we were traversing around the lake to get a better view, my mom panicked a little bit and couldn’t move. I ended up having to hike back to help her turn around. This was one of many episodes of, ‘Anastasia Tortures Her Mom’ (which probably would have been a more appropriate name for this Substack, given that I’ve mentioned some wild backpacking trips with my mom over the past few posts).
Now, living very close to the Mountain Loop Highway … it literally is my backyard. Kula Cloth has adopted 3 sections of the high way and I’m infinitely proud to see the ‘Adopt-A-Highway’ signs every single time I ride up there. Over the past few months, we’ve cleaned up more than 500 lbs (!!!) of garbage off the highway - and it’s so satisfying to be able to drive through the area without seeing vodka bottles littered everywhere.
Yesterday morning, Aaron and I cruised through our favorite S-turn in the world and listened to some music on our early morning pre-heat-of-the-day ride. When we got to the Big Four Ice Caves picnic area, we made coffee and ate our breakfast burritos. Aaron turned to me and said, “I had a moment of gratitude on that ride today. I was looking around me at how beautiful everything was… we were riding together… I was feeling the wind… and listening to my favorite song… and I just felt so happy.”
I’ve mentioned it in my morning routine post that I try to include gratitude into every single day - and I love finding those moments naturally - and getting to share them with somebody else is pretty special too. This was our first breakfast burrito ride - and it was such a treat to do something unexpected and new for breakfast. It’s so easy to get stuck in the same old routine - but some magic happens when you do something out of the ordinary. I hope that you can find a little magic in your breakfast too.
For your viewing pleasure, I made a little video of our ride (and my favorite S-curve in the history of the universe) on the Mountain Loop Highway:
Reflective Thread
For those of you who are Kula Cloth users, you will know that one of the features of a Kula Cloth is the funny little strip of reflective thread that goes down the side of a Kula Cloth. When I started using a pee cloth a few years ago, I used a small piece of blue fabric - a microfiber cloth that I bought on Amazon. It worked fine, but needed improvements in order to be an actual piece of gear. Namely, it needed a designated ‘pee’ side… a waterproof side… and a reflective element. I usually wash my pee cloth at night and then hang it to dry… which works great, unless you wake up at 2:30 in the morning and you have to pee…. and then you stumble around camp with your headlamp trying to remember which tree you hung your pee cloth in.
When I first started looking for ways to add a reflective element to Kula Cloth, everybody told me that I needed to do a reflective heat transfer. While this option would have worked (and been a lot simpler), I didn’t like that the heat transfer would only be visible on one side of the product. I also found some webbing and binding that had a reflective strip in it - but they were too bulky and heavy, and ultimately didn’t work. I knew that I wanted to find reflective thread… but almost everybody told me that reflective thread didn’t exist. I knew it had to be out there… so I did what any completely clueless entrepreneur would do… I kept google searching.
If you are in the process of creating something… or wanting to create something… you do not need to know how to do it… or how to source the fabrics or materials… but you do need to get good at using Google and asking questions. Being resourceful will be your best asset. Most of the time, the product is relatively easy to find - but if you aren’t familiar with the industry, you might just not know the terminology for it yet. This is where Google comes in. When I first started trying to find a factory, I didn’t know what a ‘Cut and Sew Facility’ was … so I searched for the phrase, “How do I find a place that will make stuff for me?”. Eventually, I did so many searches that the correct terminology popped up… and I was able to clarify my search.
All of this to say: you do not need to be an expert in creating anything in order to create something. All you need to do is have an idea and believe that your idea is possible — and tune out the people who say that it isn’t. There is always a way.
You know what? Eventually, I found some reflective thread. It’s actually one of the most expensive products I source on a regular basis. In the beginning, I was buying only a few spools at a time - but now I buy about 60-120 spools of thread at a time for a whopping $4,000! Isn’t that wild? Even more hilarious is that when I first called the thread company to purchase the thread, the lady on the phone asked me if I was going to purchase more than $20,000 worth of thread in a year … and I laughed, “How could anybody ever purchase more than $20,000 worth of thread in a year? That’s ridiculous!”. Well, friends… sometimes you just have to eat your words. As a company grows… and as you have to produce more and more products… your purchase quantities go up exponentially - which means that you do indeed have to buy thousands and thousands of dollars worth of thread - which is so cool. What’s even cooler is that Kula Cloth is the only customer on earth right now that is using this very special reflective thread.
When we first started using it, it caused a lot of issues because the special sewing machine that creates that specific stitch was breaking the thread constantly. I ended up suggesting to factory that we might be able to use one spool of grey thread in the spot on the machine that was causing breakage - and then the reflective spools on the rest of the machine. And guess what? It worked!
In the beginning, when I was sewing the Kulas by myself, I didn’t have any special sewing machines, so I sewed 2 sides of the Kula Cloths with the reflective thread. It took up a TON of the thread, which wasn’t very economical - which is why we changed the design to include the signature ‘side strip’ of reflective thread. It’s mind boggling to me how much time and effort went into that one tiny decision. Every single solitary aspect of every single product requires so much thought and care - and I love the process of watching something come to life.
Recently, I announced that I had invented a new design for a neck gaiter that accommodates long hair (I’m super excited about this!). This design has been in the works for almost a year and I am really thrilled to watch it finally come to life. Also in the works right now? I’m working on designing a pair of shorts! I’ve always struggled to find a good pair of hiking/athletic shorts that I like wearing - so I’m in the process of trying to figure all of that out right now.
The reason that I’m sharing this story is because I have no experience in product design or sportswear design - but I do hike and climb a lot and I spend a lot of time noticing what I like and what I don’t like. If you have an idea and you can articulate it… somebody out there can make it! Just because you didn’t go to school for design, doesn’t mean you aren’t a designer. If something excites you - go for it. I am so glad that I said ‘yes’ to the idea for Kula Cloth - even though I had absolutely no clue how to do any of it. The answers have always come to find me… and it’s been the most beautiful experience to watch them all come together in a fun and natural way. I’m planning to write a post about how to create and design a new product - so if you have any specific questions, make sure to share them in the google form so that I can include them in the post!
Lighthouses
The first lighthouse that I can recall visiting was on Machias Seal Island, off the coast of Maine. When I was a kid, we coordinated a lot of our vacations with my dad’s active duty for the Navy and one summer when he was stationed in Cutler, Maine, we stayed in the tiny town of Machias where my mom looked for activities everyday to keep me and my two sisters occupied. One of those activities was a boat ride to Machias Seal Island to see the Puffins.
Now, I’m not sure what most boat rides to Machias Seal Island look like… but we boarded a somewhat sea-worthy looking boat being operated by ‘Captain Andy’ for a seemingly endless trip through pea-soup thick fog to Machias Seal Island… where we walked over seaweed strewn slick rocks and crossed an only partially rotting piece of lumber to access the island. Once on land, my sister Mare, who was incredibly seasick from the tumultuous journey was ushered into the Lighthouse Keeper’s residence where she puked and slept while my mom and sister and I snuck into small wooden hides to watch the Puffin colony on the island.
The thing I remember most about being on Machias Seal Island is the deafening sound of the fog horn. “How do you sleep with that unbelievably loud fog horn?”, I had asked Chris Mills, the lighthouse keeper. “What fog horn?”, he replied. Almost 30 years after our visit to that lighthouse, my mom and Lighthouse Keeper Chris Mills still exchange hand written letters and photographs of our respective families every holiday season.
A few weeks ago, Aaron and I decided to go on a small trip to Vashon Island - a small island in the Puget Sound, accessible by ferries in Seattle, Tacoma and Port Orchard. Once on the island, we toured around on our motorcycles and ended up deciding to visit Point Robinson - a historic lighthouse on the island. Upon entering the lighthouse, we were greeted by the amicable, ‘Captain Joe’ , who formerly served as Chief of Operations for the 13th Coast Guard District — the Pacific Northwest — which included oversight of all aids to navigation. His last assignment was Chief of Ice Operations, which gave him oversight over the Arctic, Antarctic and the American Great Lakes. There is even a glacier named after him in Antarctica! Now, he spends his time as a volunteer for the Point Robinson Lighthouse.
I don’t know how it came up… but, I ended up giving Captain Joe a Kula Cloth (and subsequently explaining the product to him). We talked for a long time - and it became very obvious to me that he was a human of uncommon good. I have a sign in my house that says, “What good will I do this day?”. The energy of that sign was the type of energy that Captain Joe embodied - a person who genuinely looked forward to serendipitous opportunities to share more good with the world.
What Captain Joe didn’t know then (but will know now, because he’s probably reading this!), is that I had been having a really challenging few weeks - quite possibly some of the most emotionally trying and difficult weeks that I’d ever experienced while running a business. To be completely transparent and honest with all of you - I had actually contemplated finding somebody to buy the business from me, because I was feeling so overwhelmed… alone… and out of my league. Unprompted, Captain Joe told me a story about a teacher that he had met at the Lighthouse the previous week, who had shared her personal overwhelm with him as well. His advice to her? “Don’t give up the ship.”
Captain Joe also gifted Aaron and I with a mission (and when a Captain gives you a mission, you don’t say no). He gave us a map of Washington Lighthouses, and we are currently on a quest to visit them, collect stamps from each one, and report back for Lighthouse Duty on December 3rd at a celebration at Point Robinson. We’ve completed 2 of the Lighthouses on the map so far - with another two trips already planned.
As I was standing there in the Lighthouse that day, I couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, that piece of advice was also meant for me too. Sometimes, even amidst the most challenging moments - you are given little hints and clues at just the right time… urging you to continue. It was completely by chance that we ended up on Vashon Island that weekend - as our original plans had fallen through. And yet… maybe the universe had put us on a trajectory to something that I needed to hear very much.
As a kid, I wasn’t very good at expressing my emotions - and so my default handling method was to, ‘run away’. Invariably, I’d pack my bags and in a dramatic show of dismay, I’d run away to my neighbors backyard… well, until I got hungry and decided to come home. When you own a business, things can get a lot more complicated than just having a parent tell you that you can’t eat ice cream for dinner. When you really care about what you are doing… it can be even more difficult… because love is entwined in everything. For me, there is no difference between the love in my heart and my life and my business - they are all connected. Ultimately, it isn’t the easy moments that are our greatest teachers - it’s the challenging moments, where we have the choice to focus on what matters the most. In those moments, we can see the love that exists - even amidst the darkness. We can look for and listen to the messengers of the universe that are always around us - guiding us forward on our path when we need them the most.
Running a business can be really challenging, because you don’t have the luxury of going to work and then going home - there is no such thing as a ‘work-life balance’ … because your work and your life are integrated when you are the creator of something. It’s like you’ve taken your heart and turned it into a thing and then shared it with the world. It’s sometimes painful and sometimes beautiful - there are days when I want to throw in the towel (or the Kula?!) and walk away from it… and there are days when I love it so much that my heart hurts. If my relationship with my business were a Facebook relationship status, it would probably say something like, “It’s complicated”.
A few days after my visit to Point Robinson, Captain Joe’s Tuesday episode of The Voice of Vashon (you should listen - it’s wonderful!) aired on the radio - in it, he mentions Kula Cloth (which is endearing)… but he says a few other things too, which struck a chord in my heart. At the end of the 30 minute segment, he says, “We never say goodbye … we only say ‘see you later’ … and as always, you remain in the palm of my hand.”
May we each live our lives like that - seeing the humanness in others and looking beyond the outer façade to see the love within another being. May we each take the time to uplift people… and to give others strength when they need it… and to hold them in the palm of our hand, and in our hearts, when they need it too.
Friends, thank you so much for joining me on this adventure into newness. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I first started writing this little random assortment of stories… but I've had so much fun discovering the tales that wanted to be told today. I hope that you enjoyed them too.
As always, I hold you in my heart and wish you infinite peace, ease, abundance, adventure and wellness in your personal journey - wherever your trail leads. I hope that each and every person reading this today knows that you are indeed a radiant beam of light in this world and that all of your dreams are possible… and that sometimes things are going to be really difficult, but that no matter what, you are very much loved.
I hope that all of you have a beautiful week - as always, I love to hear from you , so please feel free to leave a question or comment on my Google form here.
Love,
Anastasia
P.S. I read this entire post out loud to my husband and he said, “That was really good… but it wasn’t really the light thing you wanted.” We both laughed uncontrollably for awhile. I promise the lightness is there - I guess I just can’t help myself sometimes. Ha!
Sending you love, my friend. I struggled with disordered eating/an eating disorder for a long time, but never felt "sick" enough for it to be real. Admitting to myself that I was struggling with one, admitting it was real and that any amount of disordered eating made you "sick" enough to deserve help, was huge.
My Dad was CG for nearly 30 years and went to Antarctica three times (and north once) on the USCG ice breaker Polar Star. I love hearing stories about other Coasties, especially those who went south. Thank you for the Captain Joe recommendation.
Loved the stories, but of course Churro coffee stopped me dead in my reading, and I now have Churro, Lavender and Classic Latte on the way! Ha! I'm going to order Nut Butters next, but I'll finish reading before I wander down that path!