My body is there, but my soul isn't.

Part two: My true story of social media addiction.

Dear Kula Diaries,

This is part two of my true story of social media addiction. If you haven’t read part one, I’d suggest going back and reading that first (this will make a lot more sense that way). At the end of part one, I left you all in a place where I had told my husband that… once and for all… I was going to break my addiction to social media, and on a broader note, my addiction to my cell phone. As expected, he was cautiously optimistic… I had made this type of a claim before, and it had usually lasted less than 24 hours. This time, however, it felt different. I had tapped into a deeper reason of why I wanted to break this addiction… rather than simply saying, ‘I should use my phone less.’ I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that my marriage…career… and health absolutely depended on it.

Immediately, I took action and set some pretty strict boundaries for myself. This was my plan:

I was not allowed to touch the Instagram app on my cell phone between Friday afternoon and Tuesday morning, and, in general, I was placing a boundary on myself to limit all phone usage. I set Do Not Disturb hours on my cell phone from 8pm - 10am, and stopped looking at e-mails and text messages. I left my phone ringer on so that I was accessible for phone calls. During the week, between Tuesday and Friday, I allowed myself to post intentionally curated content on my personal Instagram account and/or Kula Cloth’s account. I allowed myself to respond back quickly to DMs on my personal account, but I no longer engaged in any lengthy conversations. During the work day, unless I had a work-related reason, I mostly avoided using my phone and I did not let myself ‘check in’ on the performance of my posts throughout the day. Basically, I posted something… and that was it.

So… how did it go?

My first weekend with no social media was… if I am being honest… physically uncomfortable. When I decided to break this addiction, I did not quite understand how much of a physical addiction it was. I was shocked to experience actual withdraw symptoms as my body and brain were deprived of the mini endorphin hits that they were used to. I felt disconnected and confused — it was almost a feeling of not knowing where I was. I felt detached from reality… and very oddly disoriented about what reality actually was. These symptoms were somewhat horrifying to me, and they made it shockingly clear that I did have a real problem that was causing very detrimental effects to my mental health and well being. I remember walking down to the large boulders that sit in my front yard with my husband. I had left my phone in our house, which was rare for me… since I was so accustomed to constantly checking it and/or filming things for Instagram stories. Our three cats followed us down into the yard and they were gleefully bounding around in the tall grass, and I felt a physical compulsion to reach for my phone and record it so that I could share it. It was as if a 15 second video (that disappeared in 24 hours) of my cats leaping was somehow more important than simply being there in the moment, experiencing their playful joy.

One of many ridiculous things I have done for ‘the gram’ - ha!

This period of withdrawal was unbelievably uncomfortable, but also shocking for me. I had no idea how bad my addiction had become, and it was with absolute dismay that I realized that the things that I thought were bringing me pleasureful feelings of joy… were not. I sat watching my cats that day and I felt listless and unemotional. The little endorphin rush was not there… I felt agitated and bored and confused. I began to realize that I had tricked myself into thinking that my cats were bringing me joy… when it was the validation from sharing a 15 second clip of my cats that was actually giving me that addictive buzz. Nevertheless, I decided to persist. Despite the discomfort - I sat in it and let myself be completely uncomfortable. I wanted to pick up my phone… but I didn’t. I stuck with it, and made it through the entire weekend without using any social media. Other than on backpacking trips, this had probably been the first time I hadn’t used social media in decades… although even backpacking trips hardly count, because I spent most of my time on the backpacking trips filming videos that I would later share. I had forgotten how to simply be.

After two days of being completely off Instagram… I began to notice something unexpected… the days seemed to be going so deliciously slowly. My weekends used to rush by… I always felt busy and always felt like I had no time, but suddenly, it felt like this weekend was endless. I started working on projects that I had wanted to do, but had never started because my nose was so deep in my cell phone. I started cleaning and organizing our house more. Aaron and I had some great conversations and I even ate pizza and a cookie without taking a photo of it to put on Instagram. By the third day of being completely off social media, I felt a strange sense of lightness that was hard to describe. Things just seemed brighter. It made me feel very hopeful. I did log back into Instagram on Tuesday, but I was able to stick to my commitment with myself: I filmed quick videos to post on my personal account and Kula’s account. I responded back quickly to DMs if needed. Once I had posted for the day, I cut myself off from using the app until the following morning. I was shocked at the amount of time that I had at work… the productivity that I noticed… and the unbelievable and awe-inspiring lack of busy-ness that I experienced. With a social media addiction, I had been attempting to run a business and stuff my face into an app for no reason all day long… no wonder I had felt overwhelmed! Suddenly, I started to realize: I was getting my life back. I was in control again — not some stupid app.

As a business owner who has a very active Instagram account, the idea of ‘quitting Instagram’ sounds like an oxymoron. Anybody that you speak to about this will immediately quip, “Well, you have to have it for your business”, and while I don’t believe that at all … I also do think that it is possible to use social media in a meaningful, uplifting and supportive way… without being unhealthily addicted to it. After my first weekend of going ‘cold turkey’ on social media, I implemented a very intentional and curated schedule so that I could have a presence on social media, without losing myself in it. Each week, I now film my short reels or content ahead of time and edit them. This takes me approximately 5-10 minutes each. I also try to take a few snapshots over my weekend of things that are important to me, and things that I feel excited to share — these typically include my motorcycle rides, time spent with my husband, things I’ve cooked, or my writings on Substack. I also try and record 1 minute of dancing every day to share for my Dance Experiment, since that project is something that I’ve loved sharing publicly. Then, between Tuesday and Friday, I take about 5 minutes of my day to post my videos. I respond quickly back to any DMs, and then I close the app for the day. I also record a few stories for Kula Cloth’s Instagram account — these are usually fun and/or inspirational stories that probably involve me tasting nut butter or dancing or promoting our new items or events. I usually film them the day before, and then it takes me approximately 5 minutes to post them with captions. After I post them, I do not go back on the app to ‘check on them’.

More CEO duties for the ‘gram’.

The first two weekends were the hardest, but very quickly, I began to look forward to my weekends and began to sense a deep feeling of fulfillment around being able to live my life without sharing every second of it (which was, of course, a self imposed ‘task’). Every Friday, I’d tell Aaron, “Guess what! No more social media for three days!”. Taking weekends off from using my phone, easily transitioned into minimal phone usage during the week. When I have pauses in my day, which would have previously been filled by checking social media, I now enjoy either sitting in silence… or doing something else that I couldn’t have done if my face had been buried in my phone. The amount of time that reappeared in my life since quitting Instagram is shocking and alarming. Suddenly, my house was cleaner and more organized because I wasn’t sitting on the couch staring at my phone for hours or creating content that nobody actually cared about. Suddenly, I was living my life again. It was during my break up with Instagram, that I felt a deep desire to start writing — which is something that I hadn’t pursued in many years. I am certain that The Kula Diaries wouldn’t exist today if I hadn’t quit using Instagram in an unhealthy way.

For those of you who are struggling with a similar social media addiction, these are a few of the things that I did to ensure that I was completely committed to actually breaking the addiction:

• I was not allowed to carry my phone around with me at all times

• No phones in the bathroom

• If I had a thought about something I needed to ‘look up’, I caught myself before I reached for my phone and sometimes I would audibly say ‘NO!’

• I purchased paperback books instead of using digital books on my cellphone

• I turned off absolutely all notifications on my cell phone

• I stopped bringing my cell phone into stores to go shopping, and wrote down my shopping lists on paper

• I plugged my phone into its charger and left it sitting on my nightstand on weekends… checking it once per day for phone calls

• I purchased a paperback crossword puzzle book so that Aaron and I could play games that were not on a phone

• I used my computer to look at recipes if I wanted to cook something new, instead of looking them up on my cell phone

• I stopped carrying my cell phone on my walks (the exception to this was my morning walk, so that if something happened… I could at least get help… you know… bears and all - ha!)

• absolutely no phone at/near the dinner table

• no phone usage in restaurants

• phones are only to be used for taking photos while recreating (and minimal, if possible)

Implementing these boundaries with myself took a lot of effort. The absolute compulsion to look at my phone felt like a physical urge that needed to be filled. Even this morning… months and months after I broke my addiction… those nagging urges are still there, although they are quiet and muffled now… and I recognize them for what they are — my brain and body attempting one last ‘Hail Mary’ to get a tiny endorphin buzz. As I was walking this morning, I thought about an e-mail I was expecting to receive… I didn’t look at my phone. I also was curious about the weather for the rest of the week… I resisted the urge to check. I also thought about renting an AirBNB for our anniversary … I decided I didn’t need to look up AirBNBs at 4:30 am. The impulses are still there sometimes, but when I feel them now, I can say: “I know what you’re trying to do!” And I can continue walking… feeling the cool air on my face and looking at the stars and listening to sound of my feet crunching on the frozen dirt. It feels, for the first time in a long while, like I am free.

Don’t forget to monitor your cats for cell phone addiction tendencies too - ha!

I asked my husband if anything stood out to him about my cell phone/social media addiction… and he shared one thing with me, which I wanted to share with you as well. Please also know that other than my own mental health and wellbeing, Aaron fared the worst when it came to my addiction to social media. I cannot ever get back the conversations that I did not have with him because I was spending time on a stupid app. Those moments are gone, and the only thing that I can do moving forward is reaffirm my commitment to prioritizing our relationship above anything else. I’ve forgiven myself for my choices, and Aaron has forgiven me too — it was a very painful time in our relationship, but I absolutely do believe that we have grown closer as a result of it. During the peak of my own cell phone problem, I would often get annoyed and angry at Aaron for using his cell phone. Of course, this is absolutely ridiculous, because Aaron did not have a cell phone addiction and never spent hours scrolling social media. I realize now that I was projecting my own disgust at myself onto him. I knew in my heart that what I was doing was wrong, but it was a lot easier to blame somebody else than to turn my gaze inward.

One of my favorite photos of me and Aaron.

In addition to my social media problem, Aaron and I had experienced a disconnection in our relationship since we barely saw each other and he worked 12-14 hour shifts, sometimes overnight. When I decided to pull the plug on social media, I realized that I had spent most of the time that I could have spent with Aaron, doing pointless things online that didn’t matter. After almost 8 years of marriage and a decade of being together… we had forgotten how to talk. When Aaron left his job with the railroad, we started walking together every day and that’s when I invented The Question Game. This is a game that we still play, because it taught us how to be curious about each other again. One person starts by asking the other person a question — it can be anything. For instance, I might ask, “What’s the weirdest thing that has ever happened to you while camping?” And then Aaron would answer the question and tell me some stories about camping. Then, instead of asking me the same question… he has to come up with another question that was inspired by some aspect of his answer. For instance, if he told me a story about burying a frying pan in the middle of the woods (true story of his - ha!)… he might ask me, “Tell me your worst kitchen cooking story.” And then I’d tell a story about the butternut squash that I attempted to cook in college (it didn’t go well)… which would then inspire another question to ask him. We spend our entire walks… and some car rides playing the question game, and it rekindled our curiosity and reignited a once dim spark in our marriage.

I don’t think that sharing our lives or our stories with others is a bad thing. Afterall, that’s what I’m doing here, right now. Humans have been sharing their stories for as long as we have roamed the earth — from the earliest cave paintings that exist… to stone tablets… and ancient books… we humans have wanted to share our stories. And yet, most humans can probably agree that much of the early sharing of our stories was not based on an immediate need to get validation and approval, but rather to say, “I was here… this was my life… and this is what happened.” Now, we look with deep admiration at these ancient, sacred and irreplicable works of art that have lasted for eons and it gives us a sense of place in this world — it connects us to the voices of our ancestors that walked this earth long before we did. While I understand the natural human need to connect with others… I simultaneously recognize that sharing a 15 second video that will be gone tomorrow… and will be forgotten forever… has nothing to do with wanting to create a lasting imprint on the world, and everything to do with my own personal (albeit sometimes unconscious or unknowing) desire to get a tiny bit of validation and approval. I am not sharing an Instagram story of my cat holding a beer can because I want to accurately capture a lasting snapshot of the human experience for generations to come. I am capturing a photograph of my cat with a beer can, because I want people to laugh at it and I want to get attention for sharing it. This isn’t inherently bad at all, because it is a funny image. It only becomes harmful when you forget to live in the real world as a result of it.

Ok… it is funny - ha!

A few weeks ago, I was reading a story about somebody else who had gone through a similar social media addiction and subsequent break up. That person, like me, was still actively present on Instagram, but they said something that really stuck with me. They said, “my body is there… but my soul isn’t.” Instantly, I knew what they meant. I can film videos… I can share things that are important to me… I can use social media as a tool to connect… I can still be there in body… but the important and real parts of me are not there. When you are addicted to social media or using your phone, it isn’t even very obvious to your followers, because the addictive parts are something that they do not see — they don’t see me sitting on the other end of my phone endlessly scrolling… they don’t see me looking to see how many people have watched my latest stupid reel… they don’t see the time that I’m wasting away from my husband because I’m too busy talking to absolutely nobody in my cell phone. All they see are the videos I post, and so when you reclaim your soul from social media, but allow your body to remain… your followers don’t even notice… because… and here is the other truth… they don’t actually care. I don’t mean this in an inconsiderate way. It’s not that they ‘don’t care’ because they aren’t caring people. It’s just that people have their own lives… and it really doesn’t matter that you’ve just vaguely announced your next ‘secret project that you’ve been working on for so long and you are so excited to share’… not one person is lying in bed at night thinking to themselves, “I’m so curious what Anastasia’s secret project is going to be. I had better set an alarm to remind myself to check in so that I can stay up to date.”

This is not meant as a mean jab… this is meant as an absolute compliment to everybody out there who is just trying their best to get through the day and navigate their own life. It is not your responsibility to keep tabs on mine, and if you don’t notice when I disappear from Instagram, it would never bother me. In fact, I would be the first person to cheer you on and genuinely hope that you weren’t spending your day looking at your phone. I’m not going to kid myself into a false sense of importance because I own a gear company and think that anybody out in the world is wondering why I’ve been posting less content lately. I sincerely and honestly love posting my Pee Cloth Diary reels, sharing silly and lighthearted stories. I love sharing my musical videos. I love sharing photos of me and Aaron. I love sharing my motorcycle videos. Those things bring me great satisfaction and enjoyment to share — but if nobody looks at them, that’s OK too (although Mom… I know you’re reading this… and I know you’re always the first one to watch them… so thank you).

A few weeks ago, my husband and I went to San Juan Island on motorcycles for our ongoing Lighthouse Quest. We stopped at a small cafe for lunch, and I pulled my crossword book out of my backpack. About a year ago, I purchased a small paperback crossword puzzle book to carry on my motorcycle so that Aaron and I could visit coffee shops and work on puzzles. I intentionally purchased a paperback crossword book so that I could avoid using my phone to play a game. As Aaron and I were sitting in this coffee shop, I couldn’t help but notice a couple who were sitting on the porch of the cafe: a beautiful woman… and her male companion, who was staring at his cellphone. Now, obviously, I don’t know exactly what was going on… but from my vantage point… the woman sat and sipped on her coffee while the man never once lifted his gaze to meet hers. A few times, she appeared to be trying to initiate a conversation, and each time, I’d see a short response from the man… and he’d quickly be back to looking at his phone. Again, I don’t know the details of what they were doing or why he was looking at his phone — but the entire interaction left me with an empty feeling for her… and it was a sad mirror of the many times that I had treated my own husband the same way. There are many meals… many times watching movies… many excursions… that I can’t get back, and I deeply regret missing the real experience… in favor of the digital experience that I had mistaken for something else.

Me and Aaron on San Juan Island a few weeks ago!

If you have experienced any form of social media addiction or phone addiction in your life… and I absolutely know that I am not the only one who has experienced this… I want to leave you with a word of hope: if you can successfully cut the addictive ties and compulsion with your phone and with social media, the world quickly becomes a place of color and beauty that has been unknowingly dulled by your attention to a place that only has the capacity to reveal mere illusions of awe. This morning, I was on my usual early morning walk and the moon was massive and golden and full in the distance — it radiated a warm glow and I looked at it with a sense of absolute wonder and amazement. It was so beautiful, and I instantly wished that my husband was awake so that he could have seen it with me. I took out my cell phone, and tried to zoom in on the moon and take a photo. As with many cell phone photos of the moon, the awe-inspiring glowing orb that radiated in the sky… was reduced to an overexposed dot that looked like a miniature and distorted representation of something that was, as it turns out, quite impossible to capture in words or on a cell phone.

The photo of the moon I tried to take.

Our lives are similarly impossible to capture on a phone too… and that’s because our lives are not happening on a phone. They are happening right here and right now… in brilliant technicolor. Our lives are confusing and beautiful and difficult and challenging… and my life and my relationships with the people that I love has been deepened and enriched as I’ve let go of my addiction to an illusory world. I will still continue to use social media as a powerful tool for connection, business, humor, and sharing kindness with others… but I’ll do so with the knowledge that sharing something with others is not what makes it important or worthwhile. I don’t need to share something to say, ‘this happened’. An experience is no less valid if nobody else ever knows about it. My life and your life, and the lives of the people we love, are valid and important without needing likes or shares or views. They are important because we are all here standing on the crust of the earth… looking into the morning sky at a golden, glowing moon together… and knowing that what we see with our eyes and hearts is real.

Friends - thank you so much for being here and thank you so much for reading this story. For some reason, I feel very strongly that this story isn’t over. I cannot begin to describe the ways in which letting go of my addiction to my phone and to social media has dramatically improved my life in almost every single way. My health, relationships, career, creativity, sense of self, ability to enjoy my life, and a deep sense of peace have resulted from this intentional and conscious decision. It is my hope that others can find a similar sense of balance in their lives. You don’t have to quit using social media forever. But freeing yourself from the need for it will ripple into your life in beautiful ways.

When I started writing this series a few weeks ago, I had absolutely zero intention of ever facilitating a group of folks who were interested in the topic… but as I read some of your e-mails and comments, I realized that it might be really helpful. On November 29th, I will be hosting a ‘prep meet up’ called Don’t Cell Your Soul. This will be shortly followed by an entire month-long accountability and support meet up group during the month of December for folks who want to develop more a more mindful relationship with technology. I am really looking forward to sharing what I’ve learned through my own process, and I can’t wait to watch others experience the same freedom.

If you find yourself in a similar situation right now - please be kind to yourself. We are all just trying our best. You aren’t wrong or bad because you spent ‘too much’ time on your phone… maybe you are, exactly where you are supposed to be… and maybe something beautiful is ready to bloom.

Sending you all a wish for love, ease and peace in your life.

Love,

Anastasia

P.S. If you have a comment, question… or anything else… you can submit it anonymously through the Kula Diaries Vault. Make sure to leave your e-mail address if you’d like a response!