Don't Cell Your Soul - Part Two*
*How to break up with your phone (for real)
Dear Kula Diaries,
I’m back again with our weekly post, and I’m thrilled to be bringing you the grand finale of my two part series about how to break up with your cell phone. My personal ‘cell phone experiment’ has morphed into quite an odyssey: I started it with the intent to cultivate more balance and creativity in my own life… and definitely never expected that I’d be sharing so much about the experience or writing so much about it either. I suppose when you are addicted to social media for almost two decades… breaking up with it comes with a lot of thoughts and things to reflect on. In some ways, it is a journey of loss — an idea of who I was… replaced, ultimately, by who I really am. I can’t hide behind a screen anymore… and I don’t numb my difficult feelings with mindlessly looking for airBNBs that I probably won’t visit. This new world is more raw … the feelings are more intense… but I do feel alive. Perhaps this is what it is like to really feel the true fullness of life.
Today I’ll be sharing the conclusion of my once ‘secret method’ that I personally used to implement my own break up with my cell phone and social media. Keep in mind that my goal was never to quit using my phone or social media — my goal was to break the compulsive addiction so that I could enjoy the beautiful aspects of technology, in a responsible and mindful way — without negatively impacting the rest of my life and my important responsibilities and relationships. I genuinely feel as though I’ve been completely successful — and I hope that you will be able to use my own methods… make them your own… and find more balance in your life too.
If you haven’t read the first few posts in this series, I’d highly recommend reading those first, or most of this will be out of context:
My Body is There but my Soul Isn’t - Part 1
My Body is There but my Soul Isn’t - Part 2
Breaking Up With My Phone* - *What happened Next
At this point in your journey, you will have identified your ‘WHY’ … created a ‘VISION’ for your ideal relationship with your phone and social media (and maybe technology in general)… identified the FEELINGS associated with that vision… and crafted a personal PLAN for implementing your own ‘break up’ with your phone. The next step, after you take the time to ponder these elements is simple… you just have to start. There is no right time or perfect day to do it — you simply must begin, exactly where you are.
I started my own plan on a Friday, which meant that I leapt directly into my first weekend without using social media or my phone. It felt, in a word, disorienting. I didn’t realize how addicted I was to my phone until I started trying not to use it. It was shocking to me — and it might be shocking to you as well. The compulsion to use it could be strong, and you might be tempted to dive back into it. As you embark on your first days with less phone usage, it could be helpful to have tasks or activities prepared that help you fill some of the empty spaces — which do feel a little bit awkward at first. In my first weekend without my phone, I remember feeling amazed at how much I got done — my husband and I cleaned the house and tackled projects that had been sitting on the back burner for months, because I was always ‘too busy’ (doing nothing) to get started on them. As it turns out, I wasn’t nearly as busy as I thought — I was just spending all of my available free time looking at my phone. Ugh!
In preparation for my reduced phone lifestyle, I also purchased some puzzle books that my husband and I could start to work on. We both love crossword puzzles, so we started doing those more frequently in our downtime… and I also purchased two new books: Murdle and The Paper Labyrinth:
If you are similarly preparing for a reduced phone lifestyle, you might want to consider other hobbies or activities that you’ve been interested in, but never tried. This might be a very exciting time to learn how to do something new — the possibilities are really endless, and it’s pretty exhilarating to feel a sense of newness and adventure in your own life again. Consider trying something like knitting, painting, playing an instrument, woodburning art, working on puzzles, reading, or trying out some new board games! There are no limits on what this can look like for you. As I asked myself about what new things I might want to try, I didn’t look at it from a perspective of missing or losing something (i.e. my phone)… I looked at it from a perspective of gaining my life back.
While I wholeheartedly encourage this exploration and think it’s really important to be prepared with some fun, new activities — I also want to encourage each of you to sit in the space between. This is the space that did not exist before, because you filled it with something — and it is a ripe and fertile ground for creativity, ideas and connection. Instead of instantly plugging yourself into a book — see what happens if you just sit. What happens if you can just be? A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to lead a class about hygiene for a large group. I was the last speaker on the agenda, so I had to wait for nearly an hour before I turned on my video on Zoom and spoke to the audience. In the past, I would have sat at my desk and scrolled Instagram or other random things on my cell phone the entire time. But this time, even though my phone was actually sitting next to me on the desk, I didn’t. Instead, I sat at the desk and listened to the presenters before me… and I closed my eyes and just allowed myself to breathe. How often do we do that? How often do we just allow the space to be there? How often do we just allow ourselves to be in the moment — nothing to do, nowhere to go, no tasks to accomplish or goals to meet… doesn’t it feel good, just for a moment, to give up? To surrender to the world around you? We exhaust ourselves with stimulation, and we never let ourselves breathe — and I mean really breathe. So, the next time you are faced with a space that you would usually fill with your phone — see what happens when you fill it with your presence. I promise that you will find something more there than you expected.
Pinch points and breaking bones
When I worked for the railroad, we talked a lot about pinch points — these are, quite literally, exactly what they sound like: places where you can get pinched. As I began to implement my plan every week, I noticed that I had some very specific ‘pinch points’. In cell phone addiction terms, these ‘pinch points’ were places where I was more tempted than normal to succumb to jumping back into mindless cell phone use. For me, those moments were:
waiting in lines
in the bathroom
anytime I was waiting for somebody else
in tiny pauses during my day where I didn’t have anything to do
when I got home in the evening from work and didn’t have any specific plans
in between tasks
when I went for walks in the morning
sitting in my car
any time I felt anxious or was dealing with anything challenging
any time I felt socially awkward
anytime a question popped into my head that I thought ‘needed to be answered’
After identifying these ‘pinch points’ — I wrote them down and made a mental note and a conscious effort to observe them with a heightened sense of alertness. For a few of the pinch points, I was able to ‘automate’ them easily: I don’t bring my cell phone into the bathroom anymore. I don’t bring my cell phone into restaurants. When I’m home, my cell phone sits on my nightstand and is not accessible to me at all times. I turn the sound off on my cell phone so that I’m not tempted to check it. My cell phone is not allowed at the dinner table during meals. For the other ‘pinch points’, I simply learned how to practice awareness of them — I’d notice when I had the urge to take out my phone, and instead of instantly diving into doing mindless-nothingness, I’d opt to sit in silence and be present. It can feel strange when you’ve filled the spaces for so long… it can feel awkward to sit and do ‘nothing’ — but I assure you… you are not doing nothing. Your energy is changing, and you are doing something very important by opening your mind and heart to a much bigger energy than anything you will ever find on a screen.
The other term that I coined during this process was the identification and naming of the 205th bone of the human body: THE CELL PHONE BONE. Yes, folks, it’s a thing. It’s actually a strange bone, unlike any other — because it’s the only bone in the human body that is part of the skeletal system and the nervous system. How does the cell phone bone work? It works like this:
You have a thought that gives you the impulse to pick up your phone and ‘look for’ something or ‘check’ something or ‘research something’. Your brain tells you, instantly, that you need to know this information right now. Without any conscious thought whatsoever, your cell phone bone is activated: your brain sends a powerful signal to your hand and your elbow, and before long, you’ve been nose-deep in food ASMR videos on Instagram for 3 hours.
I’ve never broken an actual bone in my life… but after my serious scientific discovery of the 205th bone of the human body… I knew that there was one thing I had to do: I had to break the cell phone bone. Breaking this bone is the crux of the entire process, because the entire act of using the cell phone bone is mostly unconscious. This means that most people have a thought and then pick up their phone without thinking about it — it is a completely automatic habit, done almost entirely on auto-pilot. But do you know what? You are so much better than auto-pilot. You are so much better than letting an unconscious habit run the show. This is your life, and YOU get to decide what stays and what goes — which means that you CAN break the cell phone bone.
You might not break it on day one, but it can be broken. What’s a measure of success? The measure of success in this process is simple: NOTICING. The very first time that you NOTICE a thought about reaching for your phone… you’ve won. You’ve created a tiny gap in a place where there was once no gap at all. You have metaphorically cracked the door open for something new to enter. Now, all you need to do is strengthen the muscle of noticing. You are creating a completely new neural pathway that has never existed before. During our cell phone meet up session, I used the example of cobblestone ruts to describe very un-scientifically how we ‘end up’ doing things so unconsciously. While I am not a neuroscientist, I know enough to know that when we do something over and over again — it creates a program and a repetitive pattern in our brain. If we do something enough, it becomes a habit that we continually do — over and over again, without really thinking about it. For many years, I lived outside of Philadelphia, and occasionally we would travel to ‘Old City’ — this part of Philadelphia is characterized by historic homes and streets that are still made from cobblestones. Large ruts are visible in the cobblestones from horse-drawn carriages travelling over the exact same path for decades. In fact, the ruts are so deep in some places, that if your carriage wheel wasn’t in a rut, your carriage would be unbalanced and wonky.
As you begin the process of breaking your cell phone bone, you are stepping out of the rut. Your current brain pattern is one that says: have a thought and then immediately use my phone. That’s it. It’s a deep rut, because you’ve probably been doing it for a long time — so doing something new is going to feel a bit off-kilter and awkward for awhile. It might feel weird to stand in a line and not look at your phone. It might feel strange to be at home in the evening and not scroll Instagram for an hour. You might feel a bit lost — like you aren’t sure what to do. This is normal. Trust that as you step out of one rut — you’ll start to create a new one. And do you know what? The really cool part about this new path — is that it can take you anywhere that you want to go… not just to the same old predictable places that you’ve been going for a long time.
Noticing the Nudges
My own cell phone experiment started with a curiosity: What would happen when I didn’t fill every single empty space in my life with my cell phone? I knew that I was feeling very stagnant and ‘stuck’ in my life — and I realized that it was ludicrous to do the same thing over and over… and expect different results. It just doesn’t work that way. When you suddenly make a big change in your life — like not spending 12 hours a day on Instagram anymore — there is simply no way that the change won’t create a ripple effect. I wasn’t sure what it would look like for me, but I really wanted to see what happened. As I started to lead our Cell Phone Mindfulness meet ups, I was also really curious to see if the other folks who were making this change would experience similar results. Not surprisingly, every single person who stuck with their commitment of being more mindful about their cell phone usage experienced exciting and fun shifts and changes in their lives. I can’t say what this will look like for you — it’s part of the adventure, and it is just something that you will get to discover on your own.
For me, the empty spaces resulted in new ways and ideas to promote Kula Cloth that I had never even considered… we are currently in the process of designing, writing and planning our first ever ‘Adventure Postcard’. I had never considered sending out a paper postcard before, and I’m really excited to try it out and see what happens. I also started working with a business coach, which was a new and unexpected development. And, in a very random twist, I developed a sudden interest in learning how to throw a football — which is decidedly odd, because I’ve had two shoulder surgeries and always told myself, “I can’t throw.” Aaron and I have now spent many hours playing catch, which never would have happened if I were sitting in my house talking to nobody in my cell phone. When you suddenly stop using your cell phone all the time you shift the time-space continuum. How? Well, quite simply, you are in new places that you would not have otherwise been if your nose was stuck in your phone. You are reading new things… trying new things… going new places… and, suddenly, very open to the infinite possibilities of life.
Your nudges might come in unexpected ways — so your only job is to watch for them and then follow your heart. You might be inspired to try something new … you might feel a sudden desire to go someplace that you’ve never been… you might get a sudden urge to bake something you’ve never tried… or an idea to call somebody or reach out to an old friend. I can’t possibly say what your tiny nudge might be — the only thing that you need to do is to simply know that something will arrive. Keep in mind that this new nudge is on a different frequency — it is not on the frequency of the version of you that is addicted to their cell phone. It is on the frequency of the new version of you … and, most importantly, the new feelings that you described in your vision. These nudges are your tiny bits of proof that, gradually, you are moving in a different direction. It’s easy to pass these off as ‘coincidences’ or ‘no big deal’ — but I want to be very clear: they are moments to be celebrated, because they are moments that are tiny blazes on the new trail that you are building towards the vision that you have for your life.
Beyond your phone, there is more
Based on my own experience, the ‘more challenging’ phase of breaking up with my cell phone lasted a few weeks. After that, the physical desire to compulsively check it was reduced significantly, and I lost the constant urge to post and share everything for an endorphin buzz. I felt a sense of freedom that I hadn’t felt in a long, long time. As somebody with a coaching background — I looked at what I had accomplished in my relationship with my cell phone and social media, and I felt really proud… but I also knew that there was something much bigger at work. I knew that the vision I had created around my phone needed to grow and shift into something more. I didn’t want this whole thing to center around my cell phone — because, really, it was more about what I wanted to intentionally create in my life as a whole. Afterall, the experiment hadn’t started with me thinking about my cell phone — it had started when I tried to visualize the best version of myself, and saw very clearly that I wasn’t living in a phone screen.
As you get started on this process — take it slowly, and take it step by step. Celebrate the small wins … the little moments where you notice what you are doing and exhibit conscious awareness and choice. As time progresses, this will get easier and easier and you will strengthen this new muscle. You won’t have to work as hard to ‘stop yourself’ from reverting back to your old programming.
Each week, set aside time to go back and look at your original WHY and your original VISION and your original PLAN. It is so important that you reconnect with these things each week to remind yourself why you started. It is in the not remembering that we often ‘lose’ ourselves… because it can be easy to forget why we started something to begin with… and the endorphins are so tempting that it is easy to slip back into our unconscious habits. I am very confident that with a heightened sense of alertness, you can and will identify your pinch points and break your cell phone bone. When you feel as though you’ve reached this point in the process — it’s time to take the next step.
When I reached a moment where it felt like not using my phone obsessively was easier than using it obsessively… I knew that it was time for my plan to evolve. I knew exactly what to do: I was going to take my vision… and stretch it a little bit. I went back to my original plan, but instead of only looking at my vision through the eyes of wanting to have a better relationship with my phone and social media… I started looking at it through the lens of my entire life: What did I want to create? Why was it important? What were the things that really mattered to me? Where did I want to focus my attention? Again, I wrote it all down — in an extended version of my original why, vision and plan:
WHY: Connection with my husband … increased creativity and ideas… allowing opportunities to arise in unexpected and magical ways… going with the flow of life – allowing things to happen naturally and organically, being present and bringing joy to others.
VISION: Aaron and I are happy, healthy, we’ve paid off our mortgage and we spend our time doing things that we love – running Kula, spending time with our cats, riding our motorcycles and spending time outside together. Our relationship grows closer as time passes and we look forward to connecting and exploring things together. We are running our motorcycle company and we write a motorcycle adventure book. I feel connected to others and I have opportunities to spend time with the people that I care about. I feel fulfilled in my work and happy in my life, no matter what. I feel peaceful, calm and at ease and I take time to enjoy exactly where I am.
Creativity – I spend my time writing, speaking, and doing things that are creative and fun … dancing… ideas flow to me easily and effortlessly and opportunities to collaborate on fun projects open up on a regular basis and I’m always excited about the next thing that I get to do. Kula continues to grow and instead of managing the day to day operations – I am able to put most of my time into the bigger picture, creative projects that grow and bloom into new and exciting things. I write a series of books about the Creepy Cat and I go on a book tour with Amanda, my artist. I start my nut butter company (for real).
Personal: I am healthy, peaceful, happy and abundant in all ways and I enjoy my life. For the most part, I lead a simple life with my husband and our cats and I spend my time connecting with others in meaningful ways. I am present for my employees and I focus on uplifting them in their lives and dreams. I find a sense of wellbeing and love from within myself. I enjoy sharing parts of my life with others, but no longer feel a need for outside validation or approval.
Other: I don’t wait for the next big idea … or I don’t wait for things to happen…I follow my creative impulses and I make things happen. See where things go and where they lead. I write a series of illustrated books about the creepy cat… and I publish my book of silly poems about hiking. I finish all of the important projects that I’ve been working on, and more projects, ideas and opportunities continue to flow in fun and surprising ways.
Suddenly, my cell phone experiment was a lot more than just a cell phone experiment. Sure, it started with wanting to find more balance in my life… but somehow, it was starting to translate into more peace, connection, joy, goodness and abundance in all areas of my life. I told my husband that I felt like I cleaned out the ‘cobwebs’ that had been catching dust in the hidden corners of my mind. When I first started the experiment, it stirred up a lot of air that was hard to breathe — a lot of my secret fears were put on display for me to witness and acknowledge, but ultimately, those experiences brought more peace into my life as I learned to use them to go with the flow. As each experience came and went, I continued to focus on what really mattered to me: being present, bringing love and kindness to others, loving myself, offering forgiveness to myself and others, and approaching all beings with compassion. Somehow, my cell phone experiment had given me the key to all of the things that I had been wanting for a long time — because, really, I had them already.
Earlier this week, I was sitting in my bedroom with Aaron and our cat Niko jumped onto the bed and took a spot on a plush blanket. I looked at him and laughingly shook my head, “You are a wise cat,” I said, “You are the most abundant creature I’ve ever met. You live in a cat mansion, you have your own king sized bed, you eat and sleep and have everything taken care of, and you are deeply loved.” In a humorous way, I felt overwhelmed by the lesson I was learning from my cat: Don’t try so hard, Anastasia. You have everything you could ever want, in this moment. You are loved as you are. It’s funny, but somehow, as I looked into my cat’s glassy eyes — I felt a strange sense of calm. I didn’t take out my phone to take his photo and share it… even though he did look adorable … I just sat there in that moment with him, and appreciated the kindness we exchanged.
Breaking up with my cell phone has been life-changing in more ways than I could possibly describe. If you are somebody who is currently struggling with your relationship with social media and/or if you are afraid to ‘give it up’ — I want to give you hope that you can find a balance. You can enjoy the beauty of the digital world, but you can also live in your real world. Oddly enough, I’ve discovered a deeper enjoyment of the moments that I do share on social media, because I’m not just acting like a robot anymore and sharing everything — instead, I’m actually taking the time to think about what I want to share with people… and I’m having a lot more fun (instead of feeling a sense of urgency or stress) creating silly videos. My phone is now a fun thing I enjoy using — not a piece of technology that controls my life. I am the one who does that — and I want to write a story that isn’t about screens. I want to write a story about laughter… and tears… and love… and cats… and mountains… and sunsets… and music… and rollerblading… and chocolate chip cookies. I don’t know all the details yet, but luckily, I don’t need to know. I’ll just take the next step… and see what happens.
Thank you all so much for following along with my story about breaking up with my phone — I truly hope that some of you are able to use this ‘method’ to find a similar sense of peace, belonging, and balance in your life. You deserve that. You deserve to feel good and to create the life that you want to live. Please know that I’m here to cheer you on in any area of you life. I am sending you all so much love this week!
P.S. Speaking of funny social media videos… I recorded this poem for our Instagram account this week, and was pretty proud of it. I thought I’d share it here too, in case you need a bit of a laugh. My sister and I have been doing different ‘themes’ each week on IG, and this particular week was our ‘moody poetry’ week - ha! Also, in case you’re wondering… it is based on true events. Happee trails, friends!
I’ve got tears in my eyes from laughing so hard at your poem! That’s a classic for sure!
This link from today's Semi-Rad newsletter feels very relevant! https://thomasjbevan.substack.com/p/the-end-of-the-extremely-online-era