AMA with AMA: Answering YOUR questions!
Difficult things... Good Causes... and a Prayer for Pizza.
Pssst: I e-mailed the winners of Monday’s Kula Cloth giveaway — so please check your inbox, including your spam folder!
Dear Kula Diaries,
I hope that all of you are having a beautiful week! This past weekend, I had the chance to get outside and ride my motorcycle to my favorite bakery in the whole world — 5B’s Bakery in Concrete, WA. It was restorative and fun… and delicious.
I’m very happy to be here this week with my AMA (Ask Me Anything) column… I had a lot of fun answering these questions, and I hope you enjoy reading the answers. In particular, I had never written a poem about pizza before — so I deeply appreciate the inspiration and opportunity to be creative and to contemplate the incredible things that I have to be grateful for in my life.
So, without further adieu… let’s get to the questions… and I genuinely hope that all of you can find a little bit of time in your week to eat some pizza.
Dear AMA,
What is the most difficult part of your life?
I have a really wonderful life, for which I am unbelievably grateful. While my outer life situation has changed and fluctuated throughout the years — my life has remained the same. There have been times when I was not able to see that. I was not able to notice everything that I have had available to me at every moment, because my vision was obscured by my unconscious preference to focus on what I thought was ‘wrong’ with my life. For me, it has been a gradual process to shift from focusing on the ‘content’ of my life … to life itself.
With all of that being said, the most difficult part of my life — and probably anybody’s life for that matter (whether they are aware of it or not) — is being present and not ‘getting in my head’. My mind is where drama exists — because I create it. The subject of the drama could be anything — but for me, it usually involves stress around running a business, but if I didn’t own a business… it would simply take another shape or form. However, the essence of the ‘difficulty’ would be the same — my egoic, unconscious mind wanting to try to control situations in order for things to be a ‘certain’ way… so that I can be happy. Which, ironically, makes me anything but happy. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that what I focus on matters. When I focus on the things that I want to create, they glide effortlessly into my existence. Never, in the history of my lifetime, has worrying… stressing… fretting… panicking… or trying to force something to happen ever helped. I’ve never looked back on something (no matter how bad I thought it was) and said, “I’m so glad I worried so much and gave myself an ulcer!”.
The problem and the solution are not on the same frequency — and I sometimes revert to my old habits and I push against the things I do not want, while simultaneously holding myself back from the solution. Why do I do this? Honestly, it’s just a trained pattern that I’ve known since childhood — it’s familiar and easy… and it feels better to blame things outside of us for how we feel. If I’m stressed or worried or fearful — isn’t it easier to blame that on the doing of others? It’s really hard to reflect internally and see the true source of that fear — that is coming from a deep, unhealed wound within my own heart that incorrectly believes that I’m not enough… or that I’ve been forgotten.
This, ultimately, is the quest of life — to come back to our true wholeness… to step out of the story that we’ve told ourselves for eons… and to feel the true essence of who we are. And when I say that, I’m not talking about me as an ‘successful entrepreneur’ — I am talking about ‘me’, as a part of this collective organism of love on our planet… that I accidentally removed myself from when I learned how to see myself as a separate, frail entity.
There are so many moments when I see myself as whole — for me, it’s most easily done when I’m meditating and when I’m outside. There are moments, perched high on my lofty soft pillow of a mossy boulder when I can feel the universe around me, and I know that I’m a part of it. I can sit there in that moment, feeling perfectly free — untethered by the things that our society wants me to be worried and fearful about. It is a feeling of unchained bliss with a tangible sensation of simply beaming love out into the world. In those moments, I can feel the infinite generosity, creativity, and love that is available to me — and all of us.
Sometimes I slip back into my old habits — because it’s easy to stay in a familiar groove. My mind wants to settle back into complaining — because, in some way, it feels easier than admitting that I have a secret fear. But, I’ve seen and I know the truth. I know this is so, because I’ve looked my own mortality in the face — and guess what? There was no fear. There was only peace. In that singularity of a moment, it was just love that existed — nothing else. The ‘everything else’ has been added to my life — by me… a sloppily plopped mortar of worry and doubt that feels like it is protecting me from breaking. And yet, in those moments when I feel completely free — I know that the mortar is not protecting me at all, in fact, it’s obscuring the light that is always there.
I don’t need to try to chip away at this mortar… because in trying to ‘get rid’ of something, I will add to its thickness. This is not a mortar that I have to look at fearfully or with a feeling of disappointment that it exists. Instead, it just needs to be acknowledged and accepted — and most of all, loved. Those are the parts of me that I built with good intention — propelled by a belief that I wasn’t worthy or deserving. That part of me — that part of each of us — is so worthy of love, and it is through our acceptance of all the parts of who we are that we can radiate that love out into the world.
Life would be very boring if it were just an easy, predictably flowing current. In fact, it is the moments when we experience things that we don’t want… that help us find clarity around the things that we do want. In fact, it was the very ‘difficulty’ of being in my head unconsciously that ultimately pushed me to a place where I experienced a desire to find a new way to live. The pain of living in my own mind was so great… the drama was so constant… that I asked for something different. For me, that ‘something’ arrived in the form of a gradual awakening to a consciousness that exists beyond the thoughts in my mind — the realization that I am not my thoughts… and my thoughts are not all real. It was the freedom of knowing that the voice in my head is not me.
Shakespeare famously wrote, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” I still get in my head — my thoughts still create drama where there is none. I still cause myself suffering through my own habitual thought patterns — and truly, the most difficult part of my life is to recognize when I’m doing that… and not to act from a place of reactivity around thoughts that may or may not be true.
Let me give you a relatively simple example of this:
We have a computer in our office that broke, and we took it into the computer store. The repair has now taken months and the computer shop has been relatively unresponsive about letting us know the status of the computer. My husband has called a few times… but we haven’t received much of an answer, and each time we call — we are told the same thing: somebody will call you back. And guess what? They never do. Now, my mind wants to get annoyed by this… and create a ‘scenario’ in my head where something is being ‘done’ to ‘me’ as a business owner by not providing good customer service and giving me the computer back on time. Blah blah blah. I’m sure I could create a million and one scenarios where I’m the victim and I’m being scammed… etc… All of that is simply this: drama created in my own head. That’s it. None of it is real or true, because I have no clue what is going on … I’m making it up. Now, if I were to act unconsciously, I’d make up a theory about what is going on — and then potentially do something reactive… like call and demand things in an aggressive tone, or accuse them of something that I have absolutely no proof of whatsoever. So, instead of making up a bunch of stories and acting inappropriately — I just called them again. Eventually, the owner called me back — and was actually really nice and apologetic… and, as it turns out, his wife is currently on hospice care, and he’s been (understandably) having a tough time coming to work.
When I spoke to this man, my heart softened and opened — I didn’t care about the stupid computer anymore, because I recognized that this wasn’t about the computer. This was an opportunity to give love to another human being — and to offer kindness and compassion to somebody who was going through a really difficult time. Now, I’m not suggesting that you should tolerate horrible customer service — but, what could happen, if you can open your heart to another person and let go of the drama that your mind wants to create about any situation, no matter how benign? What happens when you can release resistance about life and truly allow yourself the gift of seeing what really matters?
This is obviously a very simple example that I didn’t feel particularly strong emotions about — other situations are more complicated and difficult to find that sense of ‘release’ of your ego. But, what I’ve learned is that as I continue to find that release, and I continue to focus on love — it becomes easier and easier. The things that used to ‘annoy’ me… become easier to flick off my shoulder. I don’t take things so personally anymore. I am able to look beyond what I think is happening… to see an opportunity that exists for me to love a piece of myself a little bit more. Ultimately, what causes the most suffering in our lives are our own hidden fears — which often masquerade in the form of other humans or situations that seemingly repeat themselves ad nauseum in our lives. It is through this deep recognition that we connect with the higher version of who we are — and allow the universe itself to wash away our flimsy mortar and replace it with love.
Dear AMA,
What organization, program, or initiative do you wish more people knew about?
I’m going to highlight two programs that are near and dear to my heart — and a few people who are involved with them.
Breast Cancer Prevention Partners:
A few years ago, Kula Cloth started making custom Kulas for a non-profit organization called Breast Cancer Prevention Partners. BCPP sponsors multiple events each year to raise money for their work — but their signature event is their Mt. Shasta ‘Climb Against the Odds’. Each year, climbers raise money and climb Mt. Shasta in honor of the people who have been affected by cancer.
I met Marie DeJournette through BCPP when we started making Kulas for them… but little did I know that we’d end up being dear friends. Marie joined The Dance Experiment in 2021 (with the VERY earliest group!) and has been leading dance sessions on Thursdays as one of our Joy Facilitators for the past 2 years. Marie is the outdoor events coordinator for BCPP, and through her, we’ve all had the opportunity to watch and witness the incredible work that her team has done to support breast cancer prevention research through outdoor events.
This year, one of our Dance Experiment members — Beck — is joining the BCPP climb in honor of her mom Deanna who passed away from cancer in 2023. I met Beck in 2017 while snowshoeing at Artist Point on Mt. Baker with The Musical Mountaineers. Beck has been a dear friend and supporter of mine since before Kula Cloth even existed… and she also dances every single day with our daily dance experiment. One of the gifts of The Dance Experiment for me has been the opportunity to witness the unfolding of so many lives — as we spend our mornings together dancing, we also take the time to check in. The entire Dance Experiment mailed cards to Beck as her mother was dying from cancer — and we are all supporting her and cheering her on now as she climbs a big mountain in honor of her mother.
I’ve personally donated to Beck’s climb, and I am sharing her donation link, not because she’s asked me to do so, but because I believe that there is truly nothing more important than supporting people who are doing big things. When you cheer another person on… when you can give to them (whether that is money or kind words or love)… you send a very strong beam out to the universe that there is enough for all of us. If you’d like to read more about Beck and support her climb at BCPP you can find that link right here. I am so proud of her, and also very proud to work with the kind folks at BCPP to support their mission.
If you do decide to support Beck on her climb and you would like to share a personal story with Beck as to why you are donating (i.e. to remember a specific person for strength in their current battle or in remembrance) please email to becklittlefield@gmail.com." Beck is keeping a small journal to take with her so that she can carry those names on her climb.
The Bronze Chapter:
The second program that I’d love to highlight is a non-profit based in Washington State called The Bronze Chapter. The Bronze Chapter was founded in 2021 by the incredible Denice Rochelle and their mission (verbatim) is:
The Bronze Chapter is dedicated to transforming the outdoor experience for communities of color. We strive to make outdoor recreation and environmental awareness accessible, inclusive, and engaging for multi-ethnic and BIPOC families, youth, and adults. We strive to lower barriers that have historically limited participation in outdoor activities, offering thoughtfully curated safety, marine- and land-based experiential learning programs. Our goal is to grow a more-skilled, confident, and safe melanated outdoor community and our motto is: Rewrite Your Outdoor Narrative.
I crossed paths with Denice many years ago, when she discovered Kula Cloth… saw potential in it… and sent a random e-mail to some of her associates… suggesting that Kula Cloth was going to change the outdoor community and the world of Leave No Trace. A few years after I started Kula Cloth, Denice launched The Bronze Chapter… and again, our paths started to cross. Denice is a powerhouse of knowledge in the outdoors — including Wilderness First Responder and EMT certifications, boating certifications, and avalanche training. In the past few years, through The Bronze Chapter, she has introduced people to activities on boats… on the trail… and in tents.
Last year, Kula Cloth did its first ‘Kula for a Cause’ collaboration with The Bronze Chapter… and this past weekend, I had the amazing opportunity to co-host a hygiene booth at their signature, Camping Demystified event, which was held at the Seattle REI Flagship Store. Over the course of 3 hours, volunteers hosted stations that provided hands on education to people of color who are new to camping and backpacking, experienced campers wanting to learn more about equipment, and those who haven’t felt comfortable asking questions about camping or backpacking in a dominant-culture environment.
Over the course of the event, my hygiene booth co-host Kanita and I described Leave No Trace practices for pooping, peeing and having your period outside. It was really exciting to see so many people learning about the ‘how’ of handling hygiene — because I know that it will translate directly into a more comfortable and connected outdoor experience.
Volunteering for The Bronze Chapter was a really beautiful and special experience — and I loved watching people’s eyes light up as they began to really see themselves planning and heading out on their first backpacking and camping trips. Denice has created an organization that extends its arms openly to people, and welcomes them into the outdoors — in a way that many people of color have not felt before. At one point during the event, I looked around the room and just allowed myself to truly appreciate this beautiful gathering of humans — all excitedly talking about the places they wanted to visit… the experiences they wanted to have… and their own dreams and goals and fears and hopes for venturing outside… and I realized that this opportunity and this moment was possible because Denice was brave enough to say yes to an idea and a passion in her heart — which is why The Bronze Chapter exists. It’s really scary to jump out into the unknown, but it’s also really exciting — and to be able to support an organization that was founded by a woman who believed in me, back when I was hand-sewing scraps of fabric in my guest room… well, that’s pretty special.
Dear AMA,
I found an onion prayer/meditation in a newsletter. Here’s the link to the full post:
What’s your latest onion prayer/meditation... or poem? From , “I don’t think ‘onion prayer’ is its formal name, but it’s a prayer (or meditation, of course) that peels back the layers and layers of everything that has led to this exact moment.”
The concept of the Onion Prayer (and I love that name for it!) is not a new one to me — in fact, in the beginning of my Kula Cloth journey, I used to challenge myself to contemplate the abundance of the universe by trying to pick the most seemingly mundane thing… and then work myself into an appreciation lather for that thing. Most memorably, I ended up literally weeping as I contemplated the infinite abundance that exists within the concrete highway barriers that we see so often, we don’t even notice they are there.
I was driving down I-5, looking at those concrete barriers — and just speaking out loud to myself about all of the people who were likely involved in the creation of them… the people who constructed them… the people who built them… the people who devoted their lives to making roads safe by deciding where they went, etc… Then, I started thinking about all of the people who were involved in the concrete making process… and the many, many people whose lives had been saved by something so ‘simple’ as a concrete barrier that ‘some random person’ worked on at one point in their life. Never in my entire life had I ever even considered that there was beauty in a concrete barrier — but suddenly, I saw it so clearly — and it was overwhelming. I experienced such a profound feeling of love for these ‘seemingly inanimate’ objects that it opened my heart to the love that exists in and around every single thing. When you look deeply at anything, you can find things that you wouldn’t normally see.
Every single day, I do a very intentional gratitude, appreciation and abundance practice — which very much includes some form of an ‘onion prayer’. But, today, I decided to write a poem — because it sounded like a lot more fun. I’m writing this on my very beloved ‘Pizza Day’ (which is a weekly holiday in my household), and so I thought I’d write an onion prayer to my pizza.
I woke up today To knead some dough And I wondered what I didn't know Blended flour If I looked deep inside At its glutinous powder What could I find? The machine that turned it Into a dust The person that grew it Simply must Be still alive And trying their best To live a life of peace and rest And what about the olive oil And the yeast? Their role is important too Rising dough is a feat! And the glass bowl that I mix it all in Where did it come from? Where did its life begin? The humans who Did what they do To make this bowl Exist to you So I knead the dough I let it rise And I start to feel Something inside A love for not Just a simple thing But the interbeing Of that which is in Each cell, each atom Of a universe so vast The attempt to comprehend Can barely last Before you quickly notice That each thing we see Is more than what It seems to be The sun and water The sky and stars Are in each thing We have of ours A cosmic pizza A universal disc It seems so silly But never miss The chance to notice The opportunity to feel A thing that matters A thing that's real The tomatoes grown By a farmer with care The jar of sauce Placed on a shelf over there For you to select it And place it in your hand With cheese and vegetables That grew from the land A person who stands And trades money for food Allowing your day to Have a pizza day mood A baking sheet made By a person out there If you close your eyes You can sense the somewhere They live in this world What are their hopes and their dreams? Invisible handprints on this pan You are connected, it seems The swirling of all things The incomprehensible web Everything in everything As it flows and it ebbs And now it's just me Holding this pan Pre-heating my oven Waiting as I stand And trying to sense The beauty that's born In each little thing No matter the form A silent whisper is heard As I eat my first bite Gratitude for all Who remain out of sight As I move through my day No matter how benign I can look deep within And there I will find The love and the life That is woven in between The love that holds together This vast world of dreams And I know that the love That each thing contains Is what will be left When it no longer remains.
Friends, thank you all so much for being here — I truly appreciate the opportunity to share love, kindness, words and stories with all of you. I hope that, wherever you are right now, that you have a beautiful week full of joy, connection and ease. I am sending you all so much love!
I absolutely loved the poem and its curiosity about the pizza you were preparing. It reminded me of the first of 5 Contemplations that Thich Naht Hahn uses before eating, “ This food is the gift of the whole universe: the earth, the sky, the universe, numerous living beings, and much hard, loving work.” Really good AMA and thanks for including the link for Becka’s climb.
My first listen to your first AMA, you wonderful woman you, poetry, love, supporting great causes, motivational speakers, you d biz lady!!!!