AMA with AMA: Answering YOUR questions!
What I'm passionate about + how to handle a downer friend + more!
Dear Kula Diaries,
I’m here with our weekly AMA — that’s ‘Ask Me Anything’ — and I’m so grateful that all of you are here too! This is my 43rd AMA column — which means that I’m very quickly approaching the ONE YEAR anniversary of the Kula Diaries’ existence. I’m really proud that I’ve been doing this for almost a full year — and I can genuinely say that I look forward to it and still enjoy it every single week. It’s definitely a labor of love — and even when my brain wants to constantly remind me about all the other stuff that I need to do (like running a gear company) — it’s really this stuff that is the most important to me.
When I think about the ‘ideal version’ of me — she isn’t freaking out about the day to day operations of running a business. Instead, she’s loving her life and spending her time doing things creatively… riding her motorcycle… and simply enjoying every moment, no matter what it contains. The content of my life used to be very relevant to me — if I wasn’t hiking or backpacking or doing something epic in every single moment… it wasn’t ‘as good’ of a moment as the other ones. I’m starting to see how much preciousness is contained in every single moment of life, and I’m really enjoying the feeling of that. I hope you can find a sense of that in your own life too — this really is a special, wonderful world… and I’m glad we are all in it together.
As you read this week’s AMA, please remember that I am not a therapist. These are my words, opinions, and advice. Please use curiosity while reading them and take what works for you, and feel free to ditch anything that doesn’t. Above all things — trust yourself more than anybody else (including me).
Ok, time for the questions!
Dear AMA,
What's one thing you're currently passionate about that you'd love to share with others?
Maybe this is going to sound oddly strange to write about… but the thing I’m most passionate about right now is just chilling out. I wrote a few weeks ago about how I had decided to stop trying so hard. And I’ve discovered through writing these AMAs that when I share that I’m going to do something… I really follow through with it. Now don’t get me wrong — I’m still working a lot… I put 100% of my effort into running my business and making it as successful as possible… but I’ve really let go of the part of ‘trying’ that feels more like spinning my wheels and worrying … that type of trying is not fun.
So, what have I been doing? Well, my husband and I have been going out more — which is completely out of character for me. Last week … on a Tuesday… we went out to our favorite restaurant, The Kro Bar. By many people’s standards, this would be normal… but for me, this is decidedly not normal. The ‘trying hard’ version of Anastasia would never go out on a weeknight… and she would also never sit at the bar… instead, she’d prefer to hermit herself in a booth. But, lo and behold, my husband and I sat at the bar… chatted with the bartender (who is more of a spiritual advisor), and even made some new friends — it was a blast. I came home feeling like I was buzzing with happiness because I realized that I was actually enjoying my life.
Isn’t that what we all came here for? As a business owner, it’s so easy to get sucked into the, ‘work really hard now and maybe someday in the future you’ll get to enjoy yourself if you’re lucky’, mentality. I realized that I had been living in that place for awhile — and it was not where I wanted to be anymore. If I don’t find the feeling of ease right now… it won’t come. If I don’t find the feeling of fun right now… it won’t come.
Every single day, I talk out loud to myself and I have a blast doing it. I’ve had more fun in the past few months of intentionally and deliberately letting myself feel the feeling of relief than I ever have… and, it’s weird… but my business is growing like crazy amidst me doing seemingly ‘nothing’ — except for tending to the energy of feeling really great all the time. Isn’t it funny that as you tune yourself to the frequency of abundance… things just start to flow and move and happen? It’s such a fun place to be — and I know that not everybody is there all the time… but right now I feel really passionate about letting people know that you can give yourself a break and you won’t fall behind. You can let yourself rest a little bit — and you can trust and know that you’re actually helping your business when you do that. You can cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself for once.
So, really, I think that’s my message: I’m passionate right now about loving myself and being kind to myself and loving all of life. I am not playing the game of getting sucked into what the world tells me that I need to be stressed out about all the time — because the people who work for me deserve better than that. They deserve to be a part of the abundant flow of the universe that I know I can create for them. My husband deserves that from me… and, most importantly, I deserve it from myself.
In the past few months, I’ve been doing things that I haven’t done in a long time: I’ve given myself permission to lay on the ground and just feel relief… I’ve taken naps… I’ve slept for a few extra hours on the weekends… I’ve gone out and had fun… I’ve attended random whiskey and chocolate tasting events, and my husband and I even signed up for a whiskey cocktail making class (Aaron is really excited about bourbon right now!). I’ve ridden my motorcycle… and I’ve spent deliberate and intentional time each day cultivating the feeling of gratitude in my heart. It has been… in a word… beautiful.
Last year, I experienced a little bit of a dip in my personal focus — if I’m being completely honest, I slacked on my meditation and my gratitude practice… and I got a bit too, ‘into my head’. What’s funny is that a bunch of wild stuff happened as a result of it: I ended up having to fire an employee… I got scammed by somebody… and, in general, experienced an existential crisis of otherworldly proportions that was an absolute gift. Why was it a gift? Because it showed me with absolute clarity that I was focused in a place where I did not want to be. In fact, it helped me see much more clearly where I did want to be… and it it is with that renewed clarity that I am now excitedly frolicking into the future.
Will my life still be bumpy at times? Of course it will — I’m a human, just like everybody else who is reading this (unless you’re not a human… in which case, I have questions). Life is about all of the stuff — and that includes the stuff that doesn’t necessarily go as we expect it to go. I’m learning to trust that even when things seem like they aren’t working out… that I can trust, in some way, that they are. From my limited physical perspective, maybe I just can’t see the big picture all the time. But do you know what I can do? I can lay on the ground in the morning and look up at the sky. This morning I did just that… it was a little bit misty out, and the raindrops seemed to glow with the light of my headlamp. For a little while, nothing else really mattered… I was just a little human, lying on the crust of planet earth… just taking a moment to ponder how great it is that we’re all here.
Dear AMA,
How do you tell a dear friend that you are not enjoying their company? My adventure buddy has had a rough two years and in the last year, every time we get together to hike or backpack or even just for lunch or coffee, I feel totally deflated after. Like her bad mood sucks the life out of me. And it’s 100% every time. Now I know that life is not sunshine and rainbows but I am really getting tired of every conversation with her being doom and gloom. I’m trying to think of a kind way to tell her that hanging out with her is a drag. Any advice you have for that would be most welcome. I’ve had to cancel some outings with her lately because I’ve not been in the mental space to handle her mess. I don’t want to ruin our friendship so I have to tread carefully. Thank you.
Hello friend — and first off, I’m so sorry that you are having a tough time in your friendship with your adventure buddy. Adventure buddies are special people, and it sounds like she is going through a difficult time too.
My advice on this situation is probably not going to be ‘traditional’ advice — so please keep an open mind while reading. I’m basing this advice on many years of being the type of person who ‘cut off’ friends who did things that didn’t make me happy. I spent a lot of time needing other people to be different in order for me to feel better — and it was, as you are probably noticing, pretty exhausting. Now, I’m not disagreeing with you that your friend’s energy is probably difficult to be around… but, the only thing that you can decidedly control is yourself… not your friend.
That being said — you are not your friend’s therapist… and if your friend is using you as an emotional dumpster… that’s also not your job. I have been in a place in my life before where I was not a fun person to be around — but I also know that I was so identified with my own pain and struggle that I didn’t have enough awareness to remotely comprehend how I was affecting some of my friends. When I was completely identified with and absorbed by my pain — I don’t think that I was in a place to understand that I was being a ‘downer’, and so I’m hesitant to recommend that you mention that to your friend — because I do think it will only bolster their identity with their own suffering and reinforce how they are already feeling. Keep in mind that your friend is not their suffering. Your friend is the consciousness within the identity that they have cloaked with the story of their own pain… and, unfortunately, they are at a point in their life where they are unable to move past that yet.
To start, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with spending less time with this person — because it’s important that you take care of your mental health first. If you don’t think that you are in a place to handle the negativity of this person, that’s OK — because it isn’t your job to carry the weight of the world for them. Additionally, instead of intertwining yourself with the repetitive nature of their painful story — it might be worthwhile (unless you’ve already done it) to recommend seeking a therapist and also being honest that you feel like you are ‘out of your wheelhouse’ with being able to provide them the support that they need. To me, this seems a bit more productive than simply needing them to act differently. Ultimately, it is your friend’s job to do their own inner healing work — not yours. If they are unwilling to work on their own personal issues, and they insist on offloading them on you, that might be a sign that it would be in your best interest (and your friend’s best interest) to pull back for a little bit. This doesn’t mean that you won’t still be friends — but it does mean that you won’t be enabling them to forego seeking the mental health support that they need.
If you decide that you want to continue to spend time with this friend, I will also offer some advice about how you can provide yourself some support and love — without needing your friend to change at all. I want to be very clear that this is for you, so that you can take better care of yourself (and, in doing so, provide loving support for your friend). It’s really easy to focus on what we don’t like about people — particularly when it is right in front of our noses. However, it sounds like this is an amazing person with whom you’ve shared some incredible adventures — so my first suggestion is going to be that you take some time to intentionally focus on all of the wonderful experiences you’ve had together and all of the things that you love about this person. This will help you generate a feeling of love — not frustration — within yourself. Remember, this is for you. As you feel love for this person, you also give it to yourself. You can speak this out loud or write it down — whatever feels best for you. I’m going to write about one of MY adventure buddies as an example:
My best adventure buddy and I have known each other since 2008 and we’ve spent so many nights together in the wilderness that I can’t count! We have summitted mountains together… laughed together… cried together… and we’ve seen things that were more special because we shared those moments together. She was there for me when I got a divorce many years ago… when I moved into my studio apartment, we spent days running up and down the steps at a local high school just to train for our mountain climbing together. She’s the type of person that I can hike with for hours… and not say anything at all… and it isn’t awkward, because we both know that we’re just tired. She’s been my biggest supporter of Kula and even when we don’t see each other for long periods of time (because I’m busy doing Kula things)… I know that our feeling of love for each other doesn’t fade or change. The moments that I’ve loved the most with her are the times we’ve spent in a tent… where I can simply be myself… fully comfortable with who I am, knowing that we both accept each other how we are.
Once you find yourself feeling a sense of gratitude for your friendship (which I think you will find very easy to do), it’s time to make a little bit of a shift from where you are right now… to a place that feels a little bit better. This will give you a sense of relief about the situation. Keep in in mind — this isn’t ‘letting your friend get away with their behavior’ — this is a deliberate energy shift so that you can find peace where you are. So, let’s start from where you are right now… and then see if we can climb a little bit of a ladder to a place that gives you some relief:
My friend is a drag and I don’t like spending time with her right now because it’s bringing me down.
I know that she’s going through a tough time right now… and that’s OK, because everybody does.
I know other people who have gone through tough times — and I know it gets better for people.
I know that it probably means a lot for her that I’m able to be here for her during a difficult time.
I really love the time we’ve spent together and our friendship is really important to me.
I know that there have been so many times when we’ve had a lot of fun together and enjoyed each other’s company.
I really love so many of the experiences we’ve had together, and I’m looking forward to those adventures in our future as friends!
Ok — now, if it feels good to you — read that list out loud and then ad lib more statements that feel good onto the end of it — just let things come to you in the moment and see if you can identify if your thoughts about your friend are going in the direction of your friendship (those things will feel good), or playing tug of war with your friendship (those things will feel bad). See if you can stay in a ‘forward focused’ direction for a few minutes until you are noticing a sense of hopefulness about your relationship. If it helps, you can even do this exercise while you are looking at a photo of you and your friend enjoying yourselves on an adventure — anything that you can do to summon that feeling of love within your heart — the shared love that you feel with your friend.
Once you feel a little bit better about your friendship — without needing your friend to be any different than they are — I’m going to recommend that you do something/anything in your current life situation that feels good and pleasing to you: go on a walk, take a hike, dance, do something creative, meditate… anything that feels good to you. If you find yourself slipping back into the negative self-talk about the ‘friend in your head’ … see if you can repeat the forward-focused statements above and re-focus your momentum again. This is a practice, so you might need to come back to it over and over again… because your brain will want to drift to wanting things to change and needing to ‘fix’ them.
I’d recommend simply going about your day and doing everything that you can to feel good in your heart… for you. The inspiration for cultivating a meaningful relationship between you and your friend will come from this place of compassionate expectation and an intentional focus on what you love about them. In this place, you might be inspired to new ideas that help to strengthen your bond as friends… perhaps you are inspired to try something new with that friend (an art class together? or a brand new activity or event?). From a place of focusing on the love that is within them — the ideas and inspiration that you will experience will be in alignment with the best version of the friendship for both of you. This doesn’t mean that your friend will necessarily change… but what will change will be your expectation for your friend, which will subtly shift and change the ways in which you are ‘linking up’ together.
This may seem a bit ‘far fetched’ — but I will speak from personal experience and say that navigating a world with other humans is challenging on a good day, and that it is an impossible expectation to ask others to change on your behalf. Please know that there is hope for your friendship with this human. It is completely possible to change our personal expectations of a friend… and align ourselves with them in new ways that encourage the type of friendship and interactions that we are hoping for.
All of this being said — implementing boundaries with other humans is also completely reasonable, and can be done in a loving manner. I’d recommend following the ‘friendship alignment’ process I outlined above before implementing any boundaries with anybody so that you are showing up to that conversation from a place of love and compassion … rather than a place of needing them to be different. It is truly a gift to see another human as they are. See if, even for a moment, you can look beyond the facade of who this person is — which includes their personal past and ‘problems’. See if you can look more deeply into the true nature of who they are. It can be a very powerful practice to sit with another person and to truly see their beingness. There have been times in my own life where I am sitting with a person and ‘listening’ — but not commiserating or allowing my energy to get sucked into the void. Instead, I can sit and observe. In these moments, it’s helpful to allow your brain to wander a little bit… see if you can focus on your breathing and notice the sensations of your body in the moment. As you come into a deep state of presence while you are sitting with your friend — I think she will feel the presence that you are radiating… and that your interaction will change (perhaps without her even knowing why). Ultimately, each person on this planet wants one thing: we want to be loved.
Carrying the burden of your friend’s woes is not your responsibility, but you can still make her feel seen and loved through your presence. Allow yourself the gift of seeing the goodness that still exists within this person… and then see what happens. See if you are inspired to a new idea… see if she responds differently… be open to anything and everything and allow yourself to feel a sense of hope and renewed zest for your friendship. Most importantly — be kind to yourself. If something doesn’t feel right to you, trust your intuition. If you need a break from spending time with this friend — that’s OK too. Trust and know that as you focus on the best version of your friendship that you are doing more for her than any amount of chewing on problems will ever do.
I’m going to add one last note — and this is an important one that is sometimes difficult to grasp. If you are currently not in the physical presence of your friend… and simultaneously experiencing anger or frustration about them… who is the source of that anger? Very often, the people who hurt us the most are the imaginary people in our minds… who keep talking after you are no longer together. Is there discomfort in the moments you are together in person? Possibly. But I would love for you to ask yourself this very difficult question: Who is causing me to feel this pain right now? We don’t want to be the source of our own suffering, because it’s a lot easier to blame it on other people — but it is exactly this experience which has the capacity to bring deep and lasting healing into your life — not for your friend, but for you. Recognizing that sometimes the source of our suffering in the moment is a ‘person we’ve created in our minds’ is a powerful realization — it’s powerful because many people don’t want to accept it (at first)… but also because it is so freeing. If, on some level, we are the source of discomfort — that also means that we can free ourselves from the bondage of ruminating about our past or projecting our future.
And so my last piece of advice is this: love yourself right now. You are doing nothing wrong and you are such a kind and caring and compassionate soul. Your friend is so lucky to have you — but most importantly, you are lucky to have yourself. This is a beautiful opportunity for you to give yourself love. What we give to ourselves — we also give to others. If it feels good to you, imagine sending a powerful feeling of love to this friend — and notice what happens in your own body. Do you feel it? Can you feel the love that you are also giving to yourself? We are all so connected, friend — and this situation is going to teach you so much about love. I can’t wait to hear how it all works out — I’m holding both of you and your shared friendship in my heart.
Dear AMA,
What plans (if any) do you have for more online Kula events? The Eventbrite page looks cool but I don’t live near Washington or Arizona!!
First off, I wish you lived closer… and secondly, we are adding virtual events to our Event Page all the time! Every single month we host a daily dance experiment (we meet every single morning — virtually!)… and on April 17th, I’ll be teaching a FREE backpacking basics workshop. Plus, we have a few virtual art classes coming up soon with some incredibly talented artists who are a part of the Kula Community. You can find all of the events at this link — we are updating it all the time!
We started hosting virtual events in 2020… it all started with an online Pictionary game! Since then, we’ve hosted hundreds of in person and virtual events and we would love to have you join us. The most surprising thing about our virtual events is that I’ve actually met a bunch of real life friends in the process of hosting them. In addition to leading a lot of the events, I also participate in many of them — because they are so wonderful and delightful.
All are welcome to join!
Well, that’s it for this week’s AMA edition… I hope that all of you have an absolutely spectacular week — and that you are able to find some peace, ease and relaxation amidst whatever life brings. I am sending you all so much love!
Wow, what terrific advice! I think I may print that out and keep it on hand for reference!
I used to always offer advice to people when they were complaining/venting/unhappy, until I read a book by Frank Ostaseski called “The Five Invitations”. He is a Buddhist teacher and the cofounder of the Zen Hospice Project, and has sat with many dying people. He quotes Rachel Naomi Remen in his book and I underlined the passage: “Sit with another person without a solution to their problem, without playing a role. No analyzing, no fixing, no meddling, no mending. Listen generously, as if the other person has all of the resources that they need inside of them. Just respect and receive what is being offered. It’s not even important that you understand. Imagine your listening presence is enough, exactly what is needed. Often a receptive silence heals more than all the well-meaning words.”
And I think the author also talks about every individual having all the resources that they need inside of them and not needing to “fix” anything. That was a revelation to me and I’ve started to try to just listen with love and compassion. Thanks for building on that and offering a concrete way (focus on your breath) of getting there.
The cats are lovely! Is that a camera around one of the cats’ neck?
Curious to know if there will be a Zoom recording of the Trail Wisdom event? It's at 2-3am for me.
Also the adventure buddy thoughts/activities/statements feel like they could be applicable to so many scenarios! I'm starting to notice patterns around "shifts" in some of your AMA responses.