A week in the life of a pee cloth entrepreneur
...what it's really like to run an outdoor gear company.
A quick note: I usually record voiceovers for every single one of my posts, but this week I’ve been having fun with a bout of laryngitis, and I don’t have a voice that will allow me to record this quite yet. I’ll come back once my voice is healed and add in the voiceover - thanks for understanding!
Dear Kula Diaries,
Last week, I shared a day-by-day journal of a Musical Mountaineer (leading up to our Benaroya Hall concert)… and I had a lot of fun taking intentional time each day to write down and share the whole experience.
Through that process, I realized that I’ve never done anything similar for my ‘normal’ life as a ‘pee cloth entrepreneur’ — so, I thought it might be (at the very least) interesting to share and write. When I was at a very unhappy stage in life, there were so many things that I imagined my life would be like… once things were different. And do you know what? Things are different now, and I still find myself slipping and sliding around — tempted back to the depths of where I used to reside more permanently. Except now — I’ve changed enough about me that I don’t linger there for too long. I allow myself to feel — but I also can see the light through the clouds. I worry less, and eat cookies more. I stay afraid only momentarily… and I dance. I feel anxious… and I close my eyes. It is the change within… that changes ‘the out’.
So, here goes… just a normal week as a pee-cloth entrepreneur… which, if I’m being honest, doesn’t sound too normal under any circumstances.
Sunday, April 28th, 2024
It’s pizza and cookie day in our house, which is a weekly holiday. I’m still pretty exhausted from the Benaroya Hall concert on Friday. I would describe myself as an ‘ambivert’ — comfortable in social settings, but mostly a loner. When I’ve experienced any type of an event or a social situation (particularly one with a high energy output), it usually takes me a few days to recover. I’m still feeling really exhausted… like I’m moving in slow motion.
I wake up at 4:30 am (a little later than normal) to go on my walk. It’s raining out, but I walk anyway… and I’m back at my house around 6:30 am to join our morning Dance Experiment group on Zoom. After dancing, I come back in my house and I work on writing my AMA post for Wednesday. Around 8am, I go back into my bedroom (where my husband is still sleeping), and I lay down and fall back asleep for another hour. This is one of my most favorite parts of the weekend: second sleep. It’s a moment where I intentionally cultivate a feeling of sinking in to the bed and truly allowing myself to feel completely relaxed and at peace.
We finally wake up at 9am, drink 500mL of water (we have been on a ‘water schedule’ lately… since I have a bad habit of forgetting to consume water), and then we do a 21 minute meditation. Today, we decided to do this ‘self-hypnosis’ meditation by Michael Sealey, which I really like:
After the meditation, I make breakfast sandwiches, and then I write some more. Once my food digests, we go for a walk for about 45 minutes… and then come back to the house. I don’t really have a lot of energy, so I’ve decided that I’m going to work on a fun project that I’ve been pretty excited about for the past few weeks: POM Pizza!
I’ve been asked a lot about ‘what’ POM Pizza is (since it has also existed as my secret T-shirt shop on the Kula Cloth website) and what the name means: and, to be honest, I wasn’t quite what it was going to become. But, a few weeks ago, I had this idea to take a broken watch and upcycle it into a NOW Watch — and then, I got carried away, and collected a whole bunch of broken watches so that I could start making a series of upcycled NOW Watches. The acronym POM has nothing to do with pomegranate — it actually started as a joke between me and my husband, because I told him I was going to pay off our mortgage by starting a website called POM dot COM. Well, unfortunately, POM dot COM was already taken… but POM.PIZZA was not. So, then I decided that I could use the website as a blank ‘pizza’ crust for ideas — you know, because pizzas have all sorts of different toppings — to house my creative pursuits that don’t really have a specific home yet. And THEN, I had the idea, that it’d be really fun to stick with the original ‘POM’ theme — except that I’d flip it around a little bit… and use a portion of the proceeds to pay off other people’s mortgage payments and/or their rent. Fun, right? It felt very abundant and exciting to me, so I spent a lot of Sunday trying to get that website up and running. It’s mostly there — but only has a few items right now. I’m in the midst of finishing my first batch of watches (they take a few days each to finish), and I’m excited to share what they look like.
At some point during the day, I launched the website, and I said out loud: “Well, I now have another business.” My husband just laughed. A few years ago, I felt sick when I launched the Kula Cloth business — I had so much imposter syndrome and so much fear about what could happen. I don’t feel that anymore, because it doesn’t matter what happens — what matters is that I’m having fun doing it. Making these watches and designing my t-shirts checks all the boxes for me: freedom, creativity, fun, adventure, being present, abundance. And so, without any expectation at all, I’m just going to do it… and, you know… see what happens.
After I launched the website, I sat for awhile with Aaron because he was disassembling the watches that I had accumulated. If you’ve never seen the inside of a watch — it’s truly remarkable. The parts inside of a watch are so unbelievably tiny and it’s so hard to fathom that they even exist… and that people can put them together! Aaron has been helping to disassemble the watches so that I can morph them into NOW watches. We also bought a few wristbands, since some of the watches didn’t have them. It is a multi-step process and it takes a few days to make just one watch, so it isn’t a fast process, but maybe that’s why I enjoy it so much. It’s giving me something very tangible to do… and, while I’m doing it, I’m completely immersed in just being where I am. Isn’t it funny that a watch that says NOW… is really doing what it says?
After playing with the watches for awhile, we made our weekly pizza… and went for another walk together. It started raining the second we left the house, and we didn’t bring rain jackets… and it stopped raining the second we made it back home. So, we both ended up soaked on the walk — but it was still really nice to move, even though I did feel a bit tired. Then, I baked a batch of espresso chocolate blondies, because I wanted to try an experiment: I wanted to add a layer of Nutella to the middle of the blondies. As it turns out, it worked, and they were amazing. Then, I baked our weekly Kula Cloth Chocolate Chip Cookie.
Around 7pm, we decided to watch a show and eat our cookie. Right now, we’ve been watching a series called Killing Eve. I was still feeling pretty tired, so I fell asleep part of the way through the show… and then we went to bed, but not before playing Wordle and solving the puzzle correctly for the 400th-something time in a row. I woke up about an hour later to hear Aaron going out the front door to try and scare off the opossum who was eating Jasper’s food. And then, that was it.
I used to need to do exciting things on the weekend, but, honestly, I really look forward to the weekends where we don’t have much to do anymore. I like spending time at our house and working on little projects. I like going for my normal walk and eating my homemade food and baking. I like writing. I like relaxing and doing our meditation. I like playing with our cats. I’m the most boring ‘exciting’ person that you’ll ever meet in your life.
Monday, April 29, 2024
This morning I woke up around 5:30 am, which is quite a bit later than usual. I felt a little achy when I woke up, so I let myself sleep in a bit. I went for my walk, and then came back to the house to join the Dance Experiment group at 6:30 AM. After dancing, I sat in our little garage shop and I finished 3 new watches that I had started last night.
To be completely honest, I didn’t do much all day — and that was a good thing. I was feeling a little bit under the weather, so I mostly cleaned our house and worked on my watches. Our internet went out about halfway through the day, so I wasn’t able to do any ‘work-related’ things, and that was also a nice break. Since I wasn’t feeling good, Aaron went to Costco without me (I usually go with him), and I stayed home and spent time talking to myself out loud, since I hadn’t done my normal ‘abundance walk’ in the morning. I ended up sitting at my kitchen table feeling really grateful for all of the beautiful things in my life and for the wonderful weekend I had and for all of the ways in which life continuously provides for me on a regular basis.
After I worked myself into an abundance lather, I worked on watches more… because it’s addicting, and because it felt fun. I also recorded the voiceover for Wednesday’s AMA.
As you can see, it was a very exciting day. And, actually, I guess I really mean that. When people ask me how I’m doing, I’ll often say, “It’s the best day of my life!” or “I’m living the dream!” … and, I really mean it. It doesn’t mean that every second of my life is exciting — but it does mean that I’m alive, and that I recognize the gift that exists in each and every moment of every day.
April 30th, 2024
I woke up today feeling pretty under the weather, but I still went for my walk anyways — I figured that it might make me feel better to get up and move around a little bit, and I was right. I didn’t talk out loud on my walk (because my throat was a bit sore), but I did listen to one of my ‘abundance walks’ that I had recorded for a friend a few days earlier. About halfway down the hill, I laid down on the ground and just rested for awhile and looked up at the sky and it was really nice and I felt a deep sense of peace and wellness within myself — independent of being ‘sick’.
By the time that we were ready to go to work, I felt quite a bit better, so Aaron and I drove to the office… which is about 30 minutes from our house. I love the drive, because we usually listen to something inspiring on our way to work, which helps put both of us in a place of feeling more appreciation and gratitude. In case you couldn’t tell… I put a pretty high priority on spending very dedicated time every single day focused on gratitude and appreciation. Like, a lot of time.
I’m now going to share the details of my day… which might be more shockingly normal and/or boring than you would anticipate them to be. Aaron and I arrive at the office earlier than everybody else, and I have a call at 9:30 AM with my sister and Laura — this is our weekly Hiker Trash Apothecary call. We’ve been planning for the release of a few new products and we are trying to launch Hiker Trash as its own brand (apart from Kula Cloth), so each week we work through those logistics a little bit more. Then, at 10:30 AM I have a call with Amanda, our Creative Director — and we talk about the projects that are coming up this week. I also send an e-mail to Olivia, who helps me with our newsletters every week, and I give her the ‘run down’ on what’s going on in Kulaville, so that she can help me write the weekly newsletter that goes out on Friday.
We had a bunch of new wholesale orders come in over the weekend, and I feel very inspired by the logo of one of our new customers… so I decide to surprise them with a custom Kula in their first order! So, instead of reading my e-mails, I decide to do the very fun thing first… and I make a one of a kind Kula for Eau Claire Outdoors (who has no clue that I’m posting this here btw… but they are a new store in Wisconsin, so if you live in WI, you should go visit them, their store looks adorable!):
Once I take some time making the Kula, then I get to ‘work’ doing the other things that I want to do today:
I pack up some potty kits and soaps to send to our friend Madelene, who has a lightbox and is going to photograph them for me
I pack up a pair of our sample Pyka Shorts to send to one of our gear testers
I fulfill one order that came in over the weekend for a pair of Hybrid Undershorts from Milk Run Moto
I answered a few e-mails
I sent out my Dance Experiment Playlist for tomorrow’s session
I posted a reel to my Instagram page about the name for Kula Cloth (I had filmed it a few days ago)
I posted a reel to the Kula Cloth Instagram page featuring a bunch of silly Kulas that I designed last week
I made two shipping labels for two, large custom Kula orders that we inspected, packed and shipped today
I signed a contract for a movie screening that we are hosting at REI in Seattle in June (fun!)
Part of the way through the day, I took a break and ate a salad. Every single week, I meal-prep some gigantic salads with miso-garlic chicken (my own concoction) and Aaron and I stop everything to eat them. No work is allowed during lunch. No computers. Just sitting, taking a break and eating. It’s lovely!
Then, it was time to pack up more wholesale orders. We have four orders going out to the Eastern Sierra Interpretive Association, which is really exciting! So, if you are going to be in the California area sometime soon (at Mono Basin, Mammoth Lakes or Schulman Grove), you will be able to find an amazing assortment of Kula items in their shop!
Last week, I shipped out our first SAMPLE RUN of Pyka Shorts, so that was very exciting! This is a product that I’ve been working on for almost a year now (!!), so it’s always really thrilling (and a little nerve-wracking) to send the shorts out into the world for people to test. I’m really proud of these shorts — they are the first shorts I’ve ever designed! I worked with our pattern designer to create that pattern from scratch, and we went back and forth a few times with different prototypes before we settled on the final design for the sample run. My factory also contacted me with some news about the final fabric for the ‘body’ of the shorts — and it sounds like I’m going to be getting yet another prototype to test out.
Then, I printed up 25 Kulas on our sublimation machine that will be made in house and shipped to the Mountain Shop in Portland, Oregon. They came up with the cutest design for their Kulas, and I can’t wait to make these and print them out! This is the digital proof that I sent them, before I printed their order:
I couldn’t help myself, and I wanted to see what the design would look like once it was printed on a Kula, so I made a few of them… and they look so cute! We will finish all 25 of them by the end of the week and get them shipped out to The Mountain Shop.
My favorite part of the day was one moment where I was in my little office, and I could hear Sheraden and Chizuko (my two amazing employees) and Aaron all laughing in the main room. It made me feel so happy to hear them and to know that I have such a wonderful, kind group of folks who come to work every day in order to make the cogs turn. Our ‘hours of work’ here are usually from around 10 am to 3pm, because I think that the 8-hour work day is arbitrary (although I typically work before and after work too… I’m the exception). I’d much rather work for 5 hours of actually doing things… than twiddle my fingers for a few hours and/or have bored and un-enthusiastic employees. At the very end of the day, Sheraden and Chizuko had to pack up two vehicles to take all of our wholesale orders and website orders to the post office — we had a big day for our little office!
I actually love working. It’s hectic sometimes, but when I slow down to really take a look at where we are right now — it’s amazing. A few years ago, I was packing orders on the floor of my guestroom, surrounded by boxes of Kulas that were spread out all over the ground so that I could see them. We were so ‘low tech’ that instead of printing out packing slips, we hand wrote the order items on the shipping label. When Aaron and I shipped out the very first batch of pre-sale Kulas, the shipping labels said things like ‘G’ and 2G’ or ‘3G’ … which meant ‘one galaxy print’ or ‘two galaxy prints’ or 3 galaxy prints’. The most confusing order would be something like ‘G + 2N’, which would have been one galaxy Kula + 2 Nice Axe Kulas. We had no clue what we were doing, but we figured it out. We still aren’t super high tech. There aren’t robots roaming around the Kula office packing orders — although the other day, Chizuko and I started making ‘Beep Boop’ noises to be funny. It’s just a few humans doing there best to try and pack things up and figure ‘this whole thing out’ in the best way possible… while still trying to prioritize the things that matter.
It’s easy to get swept away in what you think matters, and forget what really does. On days like today, I feel so infinitely grateful that I get to do what I’m doing. And you know what? Even when things don’t go as planned — I still feel grateful. Because at the end of every day… I have so much more than I could ever want or need in life.
When I got home tonight, I wasn’t feeling great — but I had a smoothie and I sat on the couch and I looked at some of my watches, and that was fun. I rallied a little bit, and drank some tea. I looked outside and saw my husband petting our cat. It really is a good day.
May 1, 2024
I slept in today, and by that, I mean that I woke up at 5:47 am instead of 4am — mostly on account of not feeling good and really needing some rest. But, it’s May 1st and I’m hosting day one of the Dance Experiment today… which means that I still had to get myself out of bed and over to the former Kula HQ… which is actually just a portion of my garage, turned into a dance studio.
At the start of each new month of The Dance Experiment, I usually do a ‘DANCEPTION’ playlist — which is a dance playlist about dancing. Today is our 851st day of dancing as a group (isn’t that incredible?!) The playlist I’ve selected to start off the month is 26 minutes long:
I have absolutely zero voice — I sound like I’m trying to talk through a plugged up kazoo, but I lead the session anyways, and it’s still pretty fun. Then, Aaron and I go for our walk (since I skipped my normal morning walk in favor of sleeping)… come back to the house… and then we do a meditation together. When we do our meditation in the morning, we usually sit on our floor at the end of our bed. Sometimes we listen to guided meditations, but today, I just set the timer on my meditation app for 7 minutes and I listen to some white noise. I close my eyes, and I try to focus on my breathing. My mind wanders a little bit, but, for the most part — I tune out.
I get to the office around 9:30 AM, and I’ve already decided that I’m not going to do that much today. A few years ago, I probably would have panicked about ‘how far behind’ I was going to fall — but really, nothing is urgent right now and I know that the world around me is responding to how I feel much more than the things that I’m doing. So, I’ve decided that on this day of feeling a little bit bleh… I’m going to just take it easy and do what I can do to have fun.
So, what do I do? I make some silly Kulas.
And then, I get a fun e-mail about something that I’ve been waiting to hear about for awhile now… it’s an e-mail about a big store that is going to start carrying Kulas… and I’ve been waiting to hear about whether or not they’ve decided to start selling them. About a week ago, I had this funny feeling as I was on one of my walks, and the funny feeling said this: Something is going to happen in a week, just trust it. So, I did. And all week long, I wondered what that thing might be. And then, today, I hear that this very big store might, indeed, start carrying Kulas — which is really cool!
A few years ago, it was really scary when REI started selling Kula, because I wasn’t sure if we could keep up … and we barely did at first. But, you know what? We’ve gotten a lot better and more organized and we are figuring this thing out. Nobody tells you all the the millions of things that you don’t know when you start a business — but that’s been the fun part… figuring them out, and doing my best and having fun along the way. It hasn’t all been smooth sailing, but I’ve learned a lot — and I’ve met so many beautiful people on the trail. At the end of the day, that’s all any of us can do: just try our best, and trust that it’s always enough.
May 2, 2024
This morning I wake up and I check the Ring camera to see if the opossum or Jasper the cat came to visit last night… and the internet is down. We had an outage last week… and a power bump… and our internet had been acting goofy for about a day. We live in a really rural area that didn’t have internet for the first year that I lived at the house. We tried satellite internet, but it was so slow that the cellular internet signal in my car was better. During the first holiday season that we lived in our house, I brought my laptop and my label printer into my car in our driveway to print out shipping labels for holiday Kula Cloth orders. Then, through a series of amazing events, we had the chance to purchase and install our own fiber optic network up to our house. This was a really big project — and if you’ve never installed your own fiber optic network before, I don’t recommend it. However, I know more about installing fiber optic cables than most people should probably know. There is a device called a media converter that converts the signal from the Comcast modem and translates it into the signal that travels about a mile from the modem up to our house… where it meets another media converter and then our WiFi router. For some strange reason, whenever we have outages… or power bumps… our media converters sometimes start malfunctioning. I had an extra media converter in our house (which I keep on hand for fiber optic emergencies) … so, this morning at 4:30 am, I trudged down to the end of the road and installed a new media converter… and our internet started working again.
Which is a good thing. Because I’m giving a presentation tonight about hygiene in the backcountry to a few hundred people… and giving a Zoom presentation without internet isn’t that much fun.
As I’m walking back up the hill, I remember that today is the launch day for the Out There podcast episode called, ‘Tonic of Silence’! A months ago, I recorded myself talking about silence in nature — and, to be honest, I can’t really even remember what I said… so I open my podcast app, and I listen to the episode:
I’ve felt ‘busier’ than normal all morning because of the internet situation… and suddenly… this podcast episode snaps me back into the present moment. I start to cry as I listen to it — not sad tears… just grateful tears. It reminds me to listen for the silence that is always there — in all moments… even in the busy ones.
After fixing our internet, I dance in the woods for a little bit and do a meditation… and then a walk with Aaron… and then another meditation together. Did I ever mention that I highly recommend meditation?
I’m feeling a lot better today, and my voice seems to have returned — which is also a really good thing! I start the day by scheduling the May 2024 Monthly Events for The Kula Diaries… sending an e-mail to the Washington Trails Association about a possible Kula for a Cause collaboration… e-mailing my Pyka Shorts Gear Testers with an update about the shorts… and then, I prepare a letter to Orvis, the fly fishing company. I’ve wanted to do an Orvis Kula Cloth for awhile, and yesterday, I got inspired to make one for them — so I’m going to write a letter to them and send them some samples and tell them about the impact that fly fishing has had on my life (and my connection with my father).
Other random things I did today at work:
Wrote my Founder’s message for the newsletter that goes out on Friday and scheduled the newsletter to send
Packed up some special Kulas for an REI employee in California
Made the cutest Kula in world history with an alpine pika on it.
I printed up a funny poem that I wrote called ‘How to Go in the Woods’ so that I could read it at the virtual event tonight.
Aaron and I leave the office around 2:30 PM so that I can get home and relax a little bit before I have to talk (with my scratchy voice) for my event tonight.
If I’m being honest, I’m feeling a little bit frazzled… for no reason in particular. Sometimes, I just experience this feeling of ‘overwhelm’ — the best way that I can describe it is that I feel somewhat alone in what (often) feels like a completely monumental task. It feels a little bit like an oppressive weight sometimes… except one that nobody else could possibly understand. And then I usually gaslight myself into not feeling that way because, ‘who am I to complain when I have all of these amazing things going for me?".
I get home, and I don’t feel like talking or doing anything, so I don’t do much — but I also know that I don’t want to stay in this place, because it doesn’t feel good to me, and I know it isn’t helping anything. So, I just accept where I am:
Here I am. This is the emotional roller coaster of life. This is something I’m experiencing right now, and it’s Ok. It isn’t permanent. This too will pass.
I sit down, and I write a letter of appreciation to somebody, and I cry for awhile while I write it. I feel a deep sense of profound love and gratitude.
Aaron makes me a smoothie, and I get ready to teach my class. I’m going to wipe away my tears and go tell people how to poop and pee in the woods. This is my life, and it’s sometimes really freaking weird.
May 3, 2024
Last night I didn’t sleep really well because I was coughing a lot, but I still wake up around 4:15 am for my walk. It’s cool outside and the sky is clear and there are stars. As I am walking, I hear something cooing in the trees near me. I stop and a lie down on the ground and I look up at the stars for awhile. It feels really good.
Since it’s Friday, it means that I’m leading our Dance Experiment session for the morning, and this morning, my playlist is all about BIRDS. This playlist was inspired by the night I spent in Seattle last week after the Benaroya Hall Concert. Aaron and I stayed on the 21st floor of a hotel, and in the morning, we sat near the window and just watched the seagulls flying around below us. Every so often, they’d catch a draft of air and zoom up or down — it looked like so much fun. It was also wild to look at the city from the bird’s eye view perspective — the everythingness of everything seemed so obvious up there.
“Can you even comprehend everything that’s in that building?”, I asked Aaron as I pointed to a concrete and glass mega-structure across the block. Then, I get up and make an entirely dissatisfying miniature cup of sub par espresso in the Nespresso machine.
“People wash their socks in those machines”, Aaron warns me. I actually might believe him.
Ok, I digress. Here’s the bird playlist we danced to today:
And, if you have never seen it… the last song, ‘Seagulls’ is from this video, which is entirely worth your time:
After dance, Aaron and I go for our walk… and then a meditation (during which my cat attempts to attack me)… then a shower… and then I read today’s passage from A Course in Miracles. Today’s lesson feels a bit profound, while waiting for my scalding hot breakfast sandwich to cool:
It is your thoughts alone that cause you pain. Nothing external to your mind can hurt or injure you in any way. There is no cause beyond yourself that can reach down and bring oppression. No one but yourself affects you. There is nothing in the world that has the power to make you ill or sad, or weak or frail. But it is you who have the power to dominate all things you see by merely recognizing what you are. As you perceive the harmlessness in them, they will accept your holy will as theirs. And what was seen as fearful now becomes a source of innocence and holiness.
And then, I eat my breakfast sandwich — which is the holiest thing of all.
I go to work and answer a few e-mails and then I decide to do something more fun. This morning on my walk, I had an idea to make Kulas that are inspired by major fashion houses like Fendi and Louis Vuitton. I don’t know why — I’m definitely not a fashion icon by any means, unless you are into carpenter pants and t-shirt fashion… in which case… I am an icon. But, alas, in the ‘high’ fashion world — I’m not. However, I’ve always found high fashion pretty fascinating — mostly because of the ‘energy’ that it exudes and evokes… and the amazing way in which a brand name can cause people to do silly things — like buy a sweater that appears to have been pulled out a dumpster for $3,000, simply because of a label. It’s truly remarkable, and the juxtaposition between high fashion and a pee cloth is also really funny to me… so I spend some time designing Fendi-inspired Kula Cloths, which is surprisingly delightful because it keeps me entirely in the moment and having fun, instead of doing that thing I would otherwise be doing — which is getting in my head and causing some sort of suffering for myself (completely unnecessary suffering, by the way).
Today is Friday, and Aaron and I had originally planned to go out to dinner tonight, but on account of my cough and not feeling great — I cancelled our dinner plans, and we are going to head home after work… which feels like the more relaxing option for me right now. I am happy it’s Friday, because I’m looking forward to working on my watches this weekend and I’m looking forward to resting and doing nothing. I honestly never thought I’d say that — but, more than anything, I enjoy doing small things. I want to bake a new batch of blondies and make watches and meditate… and just do my best to feel good, exactly where I am. My life used to be go-go-go-go… every single weekend was a mad dash to get somewhere else… anywhere but here. And now, I don’t mind being here.
When we get home from work, we contemplate going on a motorcycle ride, since it’s warm out… but then I lay down on the bed… and fall asleep for two hours. When I wake up, I make a batch of funfetti blondies (just because) and then go for a short walk with Aaron. And that’s it. We come back to the house, eat berries and yogurt (and a blondie), and go to bed. I wake up at 3:40 am and I see a notification on our security camera. I open the app, and pMidnight the opossum is there… munching happily on Jasper’s leftover cat food.
May 4, 2024
I wake up feeling absolutely atrocious — like my head is going to explode. Many years ago, I was diagnosed with mild sleep apnea, and I’ve recently realized that when I sleep on my back, my breathing gets obstructed… which causes me to have horrendous headaches sometimes. I have been trying to sleep on my side, but since I’m coughing a lot right now, I must have rolled onto my back in the night — and now I’m paying for my unconscious decision.
I drag myself out of bed at 5:15 or so… and begin my headache regimen. These hypoxic headaches usually go away after a few hours — but a few things speed their process of dissipating: peppermint oil (oddly), Sudafed, and caffeine (don’t judge). I stumble out of the house and the cold air feels like a relief — when I have one of these strange headaches, being inside is almost unbearable — I crave the cold, fresh, outside air. Once I’m outside, I start walking … it’s slow, but I trudge along… and gradually, I can feel my brain becoming more and more clear.
There’s a cell phone tower above my house, and I use the platform as a dancefloor, so at 6:30 AM, I dial into our daily Dance Experiment call and I have the amazing opportunity to spend time chatting and dancing with people that I really care about.
I head back to the house after dancing, and I’m feeling quite a bit better… so I sit by the lake and do a meditation. When I start the meditation, this is what the lake looks like:
And by the time I end the meditation, when I open my eyes… I’m not alone. I’ve been joined by some friends (look closely):
Today is overcast, and I don’t have any plans — other than to relax, work on some watches, and maybe write a little bit if I feel inspired.
I wasn’t sure what to expect when I started keeping this daily journal last Sunday — because this is just a ‘normal’ week in my life… there was nothing big planned… no monumental happenings scheduled… nothing out of the ordinary. Many years ago, when I dreamed of starting my own outdoor company, I had idealized visions of what that would look like for me — and I thought that I’d feel, ‘a certain way’ once it happened. But, really, it’s just life… wearing a different costume. When I look back on those days of ‘not doing this’ — I know that what I really wanted was the feeling of what I thought it might be. At the time, I felt stuck… like I had no options… no freedom… and no way to express myself… those were the things that were valuable to me. But just ‘changing my job’ didn’t change those things at all — because I am where I am because I am who I am and the lens through which I look at the world is a lens that I created. It was only when I was able to refocus my lens that I started to notice the good that was (and always had been) around me.
When I think about my life now, I don’t feel stuck — because I’m just going with the flow and seeing where it takes me. Owning a business and all of the responsibilities that an entity like that entails could just as easily make me feel as stuck as I did when I was working as a police officer for the railroad — trapped by an invisible net of my own creation. I could tell myself that I am stuck where I am right now, but I can also choose to see the freedom that is always there — lovingly surrounding each and every moment or every task that I do. If I want to make weird Kulas, I can do that. If I want to write, I can do that. If I want to make watches, I can do that. If I want to make 17 different flavors of blondies in a week, I can do that too. I can lie down on the ground and look up at the stars and dance under the shadow of a fake tree cell phone tower as peppermint oil tingles my temples. Some days I struggle more than others — but, ultimately, I just keep going… inch by inch. I don’t need to know where the path is taking me. I just need to trust that I don’t need to get where I think I’m going — because I’m already there.
Friends — I hope you all have a beautiful day and a beautiful week. I hope you know that, wherever you are in life, your lives are extraordinary… because you are in them! There is no amount of changing anything that will make you more incredible than you already are — sometimes it takes a lot of struggle to find that knowing, but I think that’s where we all end up: loving ourselves through the complicated multitude of it all.
I’m sending you all so much love, ease and peace — thank you for being here and thank you for reading!
Hearing you describe the Out There episode was music to my ears :)
Also I love the flannel shirt Kula! (and anytime someone can use the word “juxtaposition” in a sentence outside of high school English class)
“Worry less, eat cookies more” love that! Seriously.