Toward the Mountaintop, Inch by Inch

Peering behind the metaphorical (shower) curtain

Psst. As always, my posts are far too long for e-mail format, so make sure you click ‘read more’ at the bottom to see the whole thing!

Dear Kula Diaries:

Last week, I gave you a glimpse into a moment that most people don’t get to come back from… and a glimpse into where I was pre-Kula. This week, we’re going to peer behind the metaphorical (shower) curtain and look a bit deeper. Most of you are meeting me now because of Kula Cloth… but I think there is so much value in looking at the time pre-Kula-Cloth… because that is where I can reveal the truth of what is possible…. for anybody.

But first, let’s start with a shower curtain…

I owe you an explanation.. what’s up with the shower curtains? As luck would have it… there’s a story about that. A few years ago… when I was very early in the process of self-discovery… and in the very beginning of The Musical Mountaineers, I joked with my pianist Rose that one day I’d have a shower curtain as ‘merch’. I thought this was a hilarious idea (that I meant as a joke)… because most people don’t have a shower curtain on the top of their list when they are creating merch… so the entire concept really amused me. I’m not even sure how the idea came up for me again - but I decided to create a color-themed playlist for every color of the rainbow with The Dance Experiment, and I (obviously) needed to hang a corresponding color backdrop behind me while I danced. I managed to find a company that created ‘on demand’ shower curtains and — poof! — bespoke shower curtains were born. My house only has two bathrooms, and I have no personal need for 12 shower curtains… so I’ve been giving away one or two curtains per month since January. It’s been a creative, fun outlet — just another, unexpected way that the universe can create love and kindness and brighten somebody’s day (including mine).

So, now that you know the story about the shower curtain… let’s peel it back and see what’s on the other side. Don’t worry… this isn’t that kind of post. It’s a G-rated shower curtain situation, I promise…

A trip in a time machine

A few days ago, I scrolled through the lost archives of my YouTube channel and I found the very first video that I posted less than 2 weeks after my near-death-ish experience. As you might recall from previous posts, after my incident on Stevens Pass, I decided that even though I had no idea how to do what I wanted to do (or what that even was)… I was going to start taking small steps to figure it out. I was going to start climbing that metaphorical mountain… inch by inch.

Here are the funny things about this video that I noticed:

• I mention that I’m filming it in a hotel room, which very clearly means that I was travelling out of town for my job as a railroad police officer. I can’t recall where I was, but my best guess is that I was at a hotel in Fort Worth, Texas (where BNSF is headquartered).

• I’m wearing a black under armor synthetic t-shirt, which is what I wore under my uniform at work - so I know I must have filmed this after I was done working for the day. I had spent the previous two weeks attempting to process my ‘near death’ incident. I had spent the previous 2 years complaining about how miserable I was at my job… and I had done nothing to change that, except for more complaining.

• When I listened to this for the first time (in 6 years) a few days ago… I felt simultaneously cringey and also proud of myself … I was trying. I was taking a step… even though I didn’t know what that was.

• While I had been teaching backpacking for Washington Outdoor Women, I had absolutely zero internet presence at this point… I had a handful of Instagram followers… a few people who read my blog… and close family and friends on Facebook.

• At the time I’m sharing this video here on Substack, this video had 72 views… total.

• I had already had the idea for the pee cloth about a year prior to this video, but I hadn’t done anything with the idea (except for convince myself that it was a stupid thing to pursue)

So… for your viewing pleasure… let’s jump in the time machine and travel back to January 18th, 2017… 11 days after my near-death-ish incident.

P.S. How flattering is that thumbnail?! Golly jeepers (only phrase that could really describe it accurately)!!!

It’s weird and endearing for me to watch that video — because I know what I was feeling in my life at that time… very, very stuck and somewhat hopeless. I also know how hard I was trying… but I had almost no self-confidence and I barely believed in myself — I lived in a complete place of lack and needed proof that I could be successful at anything else, so I never even tried. I showed this video to my husband Aaron last night and his reaction was similar, “That doesn’t even seem like you. You sound different. You look different. It’s like you are a completely different person.”

I honestly don’t remember filming that video, but I do know that I had no clue how I was going to do what I wanted to do — but I was starting to be open to the idea that it might be possible. Or, even if I wasn’t entirely convinced yet … I was willing to give it a try. After my near death incident, I started to ask myself, “What do I really have to be afraid of?”. Starting my Toward the Mountaintop Facebook group was my very first step towards creating ‘whatever it is that I was going to create’. I had absolutely no idea that Kula Cloth would be a part of this… I just knew that this felt like taking a step… and that sitting around waiting for something to fall into my lap hadn’t been working for me.

What it feels like to take that step

Honestly, it sometimes feels a bit anticlimactic. Or, maybe it feels like a really big deal at the time — and then nothing happens. It is so easy at that point to just walk away from it and say, “Well, this isn’t anything anyway.” It’s easy to give up something that feels like nothing. But friends, I want to tell you, that your first step is not nothing. Your first step is everything. It is a moment where you are standing on a precipice of greatness and wonder and excitement — it is the great unknown moment where the infinite everything lies before you, and all you need to do is keep taking steps to see what happens next.

I couldn’t have known this at the time — but looking around me now at the hundreds of thousands of people who are a part of the Kula Community… the thought of how easily I could have walked away from it all, back when it seemed like a ‘silly pipe dream’, breaks my heart. How many of us walk away before we get started? How many of us convince ourselves that we aren’t worthy… or good enough… or talented enough to do the things that we feel inspired and called to do? How many of us quit before we’ve even started? I know that I did all of those things — and more. Which is why I feel so strongly that it is important for you to see me before I was the me that most of you know. When I filmed that YouTube video, I was a very burned out railroad police officer who started a Facebook group while I was on a work trip in a hotel room. I was not an inspiring, positive, dance-happy, cookie-baking, techno-marmot hype girl, creepy cat fan-girling entrepreneur. I was a normal person who had a dream to do something — and who had no clue how that could be possible… but I knew I had to take that one tiny step.

A photo - circa 2017 - from one of the Toward the Mountaintop meet ups. While I ultimately wasn’t able to continue moderating the FB group when I started Kula, I am forever grateful for these amazing humans!

Tonight, I cried while I was cooking onions — and not because of the onions. I was on the phone with my mom, and I was talking about Kula and she reminded me of a moment that I had forgotten. She said that when I first started making prototypes, I emerged from my guest bedroom (the first place I set up my borrowed serger sewing machine) holding the very first Kula Cloth I ever made. “What do you think?”, I said. She told me that she could tell that I was just on the edge of believing that it could possibly ‘be something’ someday… but not quite. She said she could tell in my eyes and in my voice that I didn’t believe in myself. My mom looked at me, and without missing a beat she said, “It looks amazing!”. For the record — it did not look amazing. I’ve shared a photo of it here before, and it looked like a blobular shape of no name. If I were to give it a name, it’d be boubakiki, which would throw a whole bunch of people into absolute turmoil (p.s. I heard about bouba and kiki from Melissa Urban’s substack… highly recommend subscribing to hers as well!).

My mom continued… “I knew you were on the edge of something… and that you just needed to take a step.”

I want to talk for a moment about taking that step - and what it can and might look like for you - and I’m going to share what it actually looked like for me. It is, honestly, a little bit cringey for me at times to look back on this ‘evidence’ now - but I think it’s really important to share that we all start somewhere. I do not have special skills… I did not have an existing audience. Which means that you do not need to know all the answers right now. If you are in the process of wanting to create something new in your life — part of that creation process is creating the YOU that you are becoming.

First steps lead to more steps

Your first steps might feel like ‘nothing’ - and you might not even know you’ve taken them, until you look back and connect the dots. But, once you get started… the path starts to appear. This is important, because most people stop before they take a step… because they want to see the path. What we weren’t taught as kids is that when you keep moving forward, the path comes to you. In fact, it’s more like a collaborative effort — you keep taking steps, and together, with the whole infinite expanse of the universe, you create a path that only you get to walk. The most important thing for you to know is that as you continue to take steps… more steps will appear. One thing will start to lead to another… and then another… and then another. In the beginning, it is easy to stop… but eventually, you start to pick up momentum. Things start ‘clicking’ into place — new and unique opportunities start to appear (seemingly ‘out of the blue’). It starts to feel like your life is becoming a little bit magical.

Just keep taking steps.

Never in a million years could I have known the path that I would take to create Kula Cloth, or where it would lead — but that’s been the most beautiful part of all. Creating the path is what we want. We want to allow something beautiful and special to be born from within our heart, because ultimately, it is the creation and expansion of love in this world that brings us back to the truth of what really matters.

My Toward the Mountaintop Facebook group eventually grew into a few thousand people — and quickly, people began to see me as somebody that I had not been before: they saw me as a person who was inspiring people to get out on backpacking and hiking trips. Eventually, my Facebook group led to me to giving away a book on Instagram (which led me to Rose and The Musical Mountaineers)… and some of those steps led to me starting a small podcast … which led to me becoming a gear tester for Backpacker Magazine… which led to me revisiting the idea of my pee cloth… and on and on. The steps just keep going - and they still are going today. I don’t know all of the steps that I will take to get to where I’m going — and I don’t have a perfect map or a detailed plan. I have a dream in my heart, and a vision to bring more good to a lot of people — and that is what I wake up each day hoping to do: to find a way to bring a little bit more good into every single day.

As I was writing this post, I asked my husband if he had any photos of me from the ‘early Kula days’ - and this is what he sent me. It’s a photo of me looking at various options for customer facing packaging… that he added a reindeer filter to (without me knowing - ha!).

I don’t know what your first step could be. It might be a Facebook group… or an Instagram account… or a booth at a Farmer’s market… or a few pages in a notebook… or hosting a Zoom call… or going for a hike… or making a prototype of something… or starting a meditation practice… or baking a cookie… or calling somebody to ask a question… or buying fabric and trying to teach yourself how to sew… or making a candle… or buying a sublimator… or dancing… or trying something you’ve never tried before. I don’t have a crystal ball… so I can’t tell you what will happen… but doesn’t it sound fun to see what happens if you take that step?

Sweet like honey

Usually, I end my posts with a poem — but this week I’m going to break tradition and include one in the middle… and then I’m going to tell you about the day that I wrote this poem.

SUGARCUBES

I had a dream once
And you told me it wasn’t a dream
It was real
I was doing the thing
That had once only been in my imagination
Like a tea party with empty cups
And plastic food
Until one day I’m boiling water and counting sugar cubes
Into my cup of earl grey.
I could hardly believe it at first
But you were there again
Reminding me
That a dream is only a thought that takes 
A little more time to be real.
Maybe a dream is just like tea
Maybe it just has to steep a little longer
Maybe it’s so sweet I won’t need any sugar

The day I wrote that poem was September 1st, 2017… which was the day that I first carried my violin into the wilderness with my friend Rose. We didn’t know it at that time, but we would soon be called The Musical Mountaineers. Between the time that I released the video I shared above… and between the time I carried my violin up the side of a mountain at sunrise nearly 8 months later… a lot changed.

I quit my job. I started a podcast. My hiking Facebook group grew. I started teaching backpacking classes. I went to a coaching training. The idea for my pee cloth came back to me. The ‘me’ that I wanted to become started to appear - and I started to realize something else… she had always been there. She had been in every mountain summit… in every song I had ever played on my violin… in every poem I had ever written. She was always there … quietly urging me to listen… but I hadn’t been ready yet.

This beautiful illustration is by Amanda McIntyre, from our soon-to-be poetry/art book. You can find Amanda’s work on her website, www.koicat.com (or click this image)

On the hike down the mountain that day, after our sunrise serenade, Rose and I were gleefully chatting as we hauled our stupidly heavy packs down the trail when suddenly I heard somebody exclaim, “ANASTASIA ALLISON!!!!”. I was baffled - I saw a woman that I didn’t recognize. “You’re my hiking HERO,” she exclaimed joyfully. She explained that she was a member of my Facebook group and a huge fan of my podcast and that she recognized me from my voice. I was blown away — somebody knew who I was? How did that happen?! Somebody was inspired by what I was doing? It was the first time I realized that I could make a difference. It was the first time I knew that I could do this. The awkward, uncomfortable version of me who made a video in a weird, outdated hotel room was beginning to fade away — or rather, maybe the person she wasn’t started to fade away… and the person she was, started to shine.

It’s in you too.

It’s funny to create ‘somebody’ from within yourself — because really, you’re always just you. You’ve never been and never will be more you than you are right now. As Eckhart Tolle says, “There is nothing you need to become.” I didn’t become Anastasia, the dancing entrepreneur who started a gear company… I always had that inside of me — I just believed so many untrue thoughts about myself that I had forgotten the infinite part of me that was truly capable of anything.

That infinite part — it isn’t just in me. It’s in you too. Do you want to feel it? Step outside in the grass and feel the earth beneath your feet. Lay down on a granite slab on a hot day and feel the warmth on your skin. Go outside in the dark on a rainy day and lift your face toward the sky and feel the raindrops running down your face. Fall asleep on the beach, listening to the waves. Taste the sweetness of the juiciest blackberry you can find. Kiss somebody you love and press your head against their chest and listen for their heartbeat. Whatever you can do — do something that makes you feel alive — something that makes you feel, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are an important part of something that you can’t describe… only feel… and know.

The moments that remind us of the love within us are not the moments where we invent the thing… or get 10,000 likes on our latest post… or get a wholesale order… or sell a bunch of stuff… they are the quiet moments in between. They are the moments where we can really listen to what the universe around us is saying: You are here. There is nothing you need to do except be you. You are doing your best. You are going to figure it out. Everything is going to be OK. You are loved.

Last week at PCT Days, I had an unexpectedly beautiful moment with somebody from our Kula Community. I don’t exactly remember what she said to me, but I was talking about the Kula journey and I started to get choked up and she said, “I bet you cry a lot.” I laughed — she pretty much summed up the story of my life in six words. I do cry a lot - but not in sadness… I cry from an overabundance of gratitude and joy… juxtaposed with the sometimes exhaustive effort of running a business, that sometimes feels overwhelming and oppressive. That woman, with tears in her eyes, looked at me and said, “You know what? You are enough.” Surrounded by the chaos of PCT days… happy hikers… my employees busily making custom Kulas… my husband working alongside of me… standing underneath our beautifully branded little Kula Cloth booth… I cried too.

Illustration by Amanda McIntyre.

Thank you all so much for being here this week. I hope that this little peek behind the shower curtain has given you all a tiny glimpse into the Kula journey for me — and showed you that, indeed, we all start somewhere. Wherever you are right now - even if it is filming a YouTube video in a hotel room - trust that it is a step. You don’t need to know the other steps yet. Trust me - they will come. Just keep moving… toward the mountaintop, inch by inch.

Much love to all of you today.

Love,

Anastasia

P.S. If you have a question you want me to answer in one of my ‘Ask Me Anything’ posts - you can submit that (or just write me a note!) anonymously using this Google form. If you’d like a specific response, please include your e-mail address so I can write back to you!