To Quit or Not to Quit? That is the question...
How do you know when it's time to pull the plug?
Dear AMA:
Right now I’m trying to figure if I want to quit something because of fear/overwhelm - like I’m just not believing in myself enough that I can do it - or if those feelings are a signal that I’m pursuing something that I just don’t want to and my heart isn’t in it (like finding excuses for something you really don’t want to do), or if it’s both of those things. Have you pursued paths that you ultimately decided weren’t right for you? How have you figured out when your thoughts or feelings were holding you back, versus when your heart wasn’t in it?
First off - this is a great question - and I can assure you that ‘the answer’ is out there. The fun part is going to be allowing the answer to arrive - not looking for it.
When we spend time looking for an answer or needing to have clarity around a situation, we are unintentionally focused on the lack of the answer. Can you see how that is a very very tiny distinction? Let me give you an example:
You feel like you want to quit something, and you don’t know if it’s the right thing to do or not, so you spend a lot of time weighing the pros and cons… wondering and worrying about what you should do… playing out imaginary ‘what-if’ scenarios in your mind… hypothesizing worst case scenarios, etc… While all of these mind activities are done with good intentions… they are unintentionally focused on a lack of clarity about what you actually should do in that situation.
The problem and the solution are not on the same frequency. You cannot be focused on a problem and have access to the solution.
This is very good news for you - because once you realize, “Oh, I’ve been trying to fix the problem by staring at the problem!”… you can begin to shift your attention to the solution.
Now, let’s start with a simple question: What does the solution feel like?
While I don’t know your specific life situation, I’m going to go out on a limb and write a little bit about what any person might say about the feeling of a solution:
The solution feels relaxed and easy - like everything just falls into place. I have a clear mind and I just know that I’m on the right path. I love feeling like I’m walking in the right direction and I love knowing and trusting that everything is going to work out. I love the feeling of knowing that in every single moment, I can trust myself to know what to do. I feel confident and happy and I feel a lot of peace and ease as I move forward and take intentional action. As I move forward, things just ‘magically’ seem to work out - and I really feel like I can trust my heart.
This is the essence of the solution - which is the only place where the real solution will ‘reveal’ itself to you. Unfortunately, we were taught to ‘dig in’ to problems in order to fix them - which usually seems to make the problem worse before it gets better. I used to live this way, and while I would usually muddle my way through each situation - the mental anguish was sometimes oppressive and I felt ‘obsessed’ with needing to know the answers and mulling over millions of different scenarios in my mind. It was exhausting.
Now, as I approach difficult situations and challenges - or as I look at my personal life or job situation and ask myself whether or not I want to continue with something, I take a look deeply within myself and I begin by getting out of my ‘thinking brain’ and into my heart. Most humans will discover that when they are pondering a difficult decision or a challenging situation, they will default to ‘overthinking’ in an effort to ‘figure it out’. Sadly, we were not taught to use this opportunity to connect with our heart more deeply and to allow an answer, or at least a sense of peace and acceptance, to arise first.
A technique that has been helpful for me is a technique that I like to casually call, ‘the magical piece of paper’. Here’s how it works:
Take as many pieces of paper as you need and write in big letters on each of them different possibilities for your future reality. For instance, if you are deciding whether or not to ‘quit’ something - you might have one piece of paper that says ‘I QUIT _______’ and you’d have another piece of paper that says, ‘I DON’T QUIT _______’. You might also have another piece of paper that gives unique, alternate solutions - brainstorm some other options and get creative - nothing is off the table.
Lay one piece of paper on the ground and turn on the voice recorder on your cellphone. This might feel a little weird it first, but trust me. Take a physical step onto the paper and close your eyes. The second you step foot onto the paper, this is your reality. So, if the piece of paper said, ‘I QUIT XYZ’, that means that the second you step onto the paper, it’s done. No waffling or decision making or weighing pros and cons - the decision has been made and you’ve quit doing whatever you were thinking about quitting.
Now, with your eyes closed, speak out loud about how you feel in that moment. You’ve quit doing the thing. What does it feel like? What do you see? How does your body feel? What emotions are you experiencing? If you find yourself ‘needing to know answers’ - take a step back and remember that you’ve already done it - you’re just exploring this reality in your imagination.
Once you’ve finished allowing anything/everything to come up, take a step off the paper and take a little break.
Take the next piece of paper, place it on the ground and do the exact same thing - although this time, the reality is different. This time, you haven’t quit doing ‘the thing’. How do you feel this time? What is your heart telling you? Imagine the best case scenario where you continue following this path. What emotions and physical sensations do you feel? Speak it ALL OUT LOUD!
Do this for as many alternatives as you’ve written down on the paper.
When you’re done the exercise, take a break and then listen to your recordings. Can you hear anything different in your voice in one of the options? Did one of them just feel right to you? Do you already know what you need to do… but maybe have been afraid to do it? How did it feel to actually just do it… and trust that you’re going to make it work out, no matter what?
A personal story: I did this exercise when I was considering leaving my job at BNSF Railway to pursue my career in the outdoor industry. I was absolutely terrified to leave my job because I had a very real fear of leaving a ‘stable’ job… I was petrified that I’d end up completely broke and that I’d fail and look like a total idiot. When I did this exercise and saw myself already having left my job, I felt expansive, free and open to the infinite possibilities in every direction. It felt exciting. Staying at my job felt exhausting and like I was at a ‘dead end’ - I knew that it wasn’t where I wanted to be.
You don’t need to rush off and immediately make a decision about what to do after this exercise, but it will help to give you some clarity about where your heart is guiding you. The biggest takeaway is that in order to find clarity, you must make a decision from a deeper, more connected place than in your mind. Your thinking mind will muddle you with what-ifs and fear-based decision making. Your heart will be more in alignment with a path that will feel less ‘known’ - but will ultimately lead you towards an infinite amount of abundance.
And since we’re on the abundance topic (which I’ll talk a lot more about later on), I want to give a bit of a ‘teaser’ that where energy goes, abundance flows. What does this mean? Is it just a woo-woo statement? Nope… what it simply means is that high energy = high abundance. This means that when you follow the path that feels the most fun… the most exciting… the most exhilarating… it will lead to an abundance flow, even if you do not know how that could possibly happen yet. Most people will stop before they open the faucet to let that flow in, because they need to see it first in order to believe it. But sadly, this is something we’ve also learned incorrectly. You need to believe it first… and then you’ll see it.
Have you pursued paths that you ultimately decided weren’t right for you?
You asked this question specifically, and I have a pretty specific answer for you. Yes, I have followed paths that I ultimately didn’t follow through with - however, I 100% believe that each path that we take is leading us somewhere. So, instead of thinking about ‘letting go’ of something or ‘quitting’ - perhaps getting to where you are right now was the point. Maybe you needed to be exactly where you are right now so that you can move in a new, unexpected direction.
Another note on quitting: when I was in the early stages of building Kula Cloth, it was really hard. If I’m being honest, it still is really hard. But there was one really low-feeling day in the beginning, where I pretty much collapsed on the ground and started sobbing. I felt guilt at leaving my job… I had negative money in the bank… and I thought I had made a huge mistake… and I had literally nothing to show for it, except for a few horribly sewn prototypes of a product that I didn’t even know if anybody would want. I sobbed to my husband, and he asked me something that really ‘clicked’ with me, “If this doesn’t work out, then what happens next?” Through my tears, I looked up at him from my spot on the floor, “I’ll have to trust it was leading me somewhere else.”
Finally, I want to add that I would never recommend making a decision from a place of fear due to overthinking and worrying - because you are unintentionally creating a reality in which fear and doubt and worry are your dominant energies. Note: I’m not talking about healthy survival fear here - which would be fear-based decision making that helps you survive a dangerous situation. I’m talking about ‘imaginary fear based decision making that is primarily involved with thinking about future scenarios that have not happened yet.” If you find yourself in this particular situation, take time to do something that gets you out of your mind for at least a few days before you make a decision, if you can safely wait to do so.
As you perform these activities, see if you can find a way to stay present with your breathing and out of your head. If you notice yourself ruminating or thinking, come back to your breathing over and over again. Be. Here. Now. The more that you can connect to the present moment, the more that you will allow the clarity and answers to arrive in a natural, organic and free way.
Trust yourself.
One last word - you can’t mess this up. You are always on your path, and you can and will always handle everything in the moment. Think back on your entire life - has there ever been a time when you didn’t actually handle something in the moment? Sure, maybe hindsight is 20/20, but in each and every moment… you figured it out. Two of my favorite self-soothing statements are, “I’ll figure it out”, and, “I’m trying my best.” You will figure it out and you are trying your best. Trust yourself that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, and that no matter what you end up doing… it is always leading you to where you are supposed to go.
I’ll end by sharing one of my favorite meditations from Sarah Blondin about Learning to Surrender. I used this meditation almost daily when I was in the very awkward phases of trying to figure out whether or not I should quit my job. They were difficult, scary times - and it’s hard to let go of control and to trust that the universe is taking us to beautiful places. What I’ve found through my own experience is that the current of the universe is kind - and it is always taking us to someplace where beautiful things are possible. Show up each day with kindness and love and your life, no matter where you are, will reflect that back to you.
Sending you so much love on your journey, friend.
Love,
Anastasia
P.S. If you want to submit a question for AMA with AMA, you can e-mail me directly at anastasia@kulacloth.com or submit a question anonymously via this Google Form.
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I just reread this post after making a decision I wrestled with for the last week. I made the decision yesterday and have been feeling filled with regret today. I also have been so focused on deciding between those two choices that I forgot that there are so many other options out there too. This post really helped with those feelings -- I can’t go back on the decision at this point, but I can at least trust that it’s going to lead me somewhere even if I don’t know how. That gives me peace. Thank you!