'Til death do us part?
...Or 'til I tell my partner that I'm leaving my job to create something that doesn't exist yet?
Dear AMA,
I’m wondering about your spouse’s perspective on your changing attitude? I’m assuming he was very supportive .
This is such a fun question for this week’s AMA - and it’s one that I have been asked a lot. When people first started asking this question, it was often phrased very differently - and with a very subtle twinge of pity. For instance:
“What does Aaron think about what you’re doing?” (accompanied by a raised eyebrow)
“This must be so tough on him.” (said in a sad tone while shaking a head with crossed arms)
“Wow, he’s a saint.” (said while giving me the hairy eyeball)
And, truthfully, he is a little bit of a saint. I read him those statements as I was writing this, and he looked at me with a deadpan expression and said, “Well, to their point… I am pretty amazing.” Ha! But, really, he is - and having his support through this process has been a really incredible experience. This was not easy for both of us - but I’ll try to share a bit about how it unfolded, so that it gives some insight into the love and care that was taken during each step of the process.
Aaron, my husband, was in the vehicle as well when we had our near-death incident, but it didn’t affect him in a similar way. He felt more of a sense of relief about being OK - he didn’t cry for weeks, and while he was very supportive, he didn’t entirely understand why I was having a complete breakdown. Namely, we both experienced the exact same moment in completely different ways.
Aaron knew that I was unhappy at my job (remember, I complained all the time), and so that wasn’t a surprise to him. However, when I told him that I wanted to leave my job and pursue ‘something else’ - he was gripped (very understandably) by a deep fear of the unknown: How would we pay for our mortgage? Would we go broke? Would this even work? What does Anastasia even want to do anyways? Is my life going to fall apart? What does this mean for anything and everything?
Imagine that you are in a very comfortable routine at home, and then your spouse walks in one day and says that they are going to change literally everything about their life - and that there is no guarantee it’ll work, no definitive answer of what it might look like, and absolutely no proof that any of it is possible. It probably felt like one of those magic tricks where somebody attempts to pull a tablecloth out from underneath a fine China place setting. Needless to say: it’s scary. And that’s what Aaron felt like at first.
Since I was in the process of radically changing my own life from within, the lens through which I saw the world was now very different. Where I saw infinite possibilities, Aaron still saw limits. Where I saw abundance, Aaron felt worry and lack. None of these were wrong at all - we just weren’t in complete alignment at first. It was tempting at times to try to ‘force’ him to see things my way and I did try my hardest to ‘make him’ want to improve his life too, but ultimately I realized that the only person you can change is yourself.
That’s important: The only person that you can change is yourself.
And so, I decided that instead of trying to waste my time getting Aaron 100% on board with all of my ideas (which he couldn’t ‘see’ in my mind in the beginning anyway), I decided that if I focused on changing my energy - that the proof would eventually start to reveal itself and that he would ultimately be able to watch and witness as things started to shift.
My unscientific hypothesis was correct: As I continued to do my ‘6 tiny habits’ every day… as I continued to spend time visualizing what I wanted to create for myself and my life… things started to change in my life and Aaron became a happy participant in that change. In fact, it was really exciting. Instead of being on autopilot in our daily jobs, we were excitedly talking about planning activities with my hiking group and Aaron started helping me film videos teaching about backpacking and hiking.
To my surprise, Aaron started a meditation practice and began to investigate the idea that there was something to this whole ‘internal change’ thing after all. I learned that change is only lasting and meaningful when you aren’t forcing somebody else to change.
Prior to writing this AMA, I asked Aaron to tell me a little bit about what he was ‘going through’ during those early days of 2017, after I had announced that I wanted to leave my job. He told me that initially, the idea was pretty scary - particularly, because I had absolutely no plan whatsoever. The idea of me leaving my job with nothing to jump into didn’t make sense… and while I was super enthusiastic at the time about what was possible… I knew that it was really important to have Aaron’s support through this process, and I never would have made such a big decision without discussing it with him first. He also said that in the very beginning, when I had absolutely no plan whatsoever, it didn’t feel good to him at all for me to completely jump into ‘nothing’. He said that once he saw me start taking small steps… and once he started watching things fall into place… it became much easier to see the vision of what I wanted to do as a possible reality.
As I continued to visualize what I wanted to create, I also continued to share that vision with Aaron. I mentioned in one of my earlier posts about walking into his office with a sheet of paper that detailed everything that we were going to create together on it. I read it out loud to him, and I was really proud of this list - even though I had no idea how anything on it was possible. I think he might have gotten a bit of a glassy-eyed stare when I read it, because I’m sure that his brain was thinking, “How. in. the. actual. f. does. she. think. she’s. going. to. be. able. to. pull. this. off?!” But, instead of asking me for every detail of how it was possible… he cheered me on.
Sidenote: I’ll cover this in a different AMA or weekly post… but please keep in mind that we are each on our own journey through life - which means that Aaron was also on his own journey of self-discovery. As he watched me change my own life, he was very excited for me - but also extremely doubtful that, ‘there was anything out there’ for him. He thought that I had ‘special abilities and talents’ that made me particularly skilled at being successful - and he truly believed that he was going to be ‘stuck’ at the railroad for most of his life. However, as he began his own path… little magical synchronicities started to happen for him too. Now, nearly 5 years later - he’s not the same person that he used to be. He’s a ukulele playing, sometimes sasquatch-costume wearing, stained glass artist who helps me with Kula, is starting a motorcycle gear company with me, and is thrilled with the life that he created. I am really proud of him and can’t wait to share more of his own unique story too!
Truthfully, I cannot possibly express my gratitude for Aaron’s support during that time. Other friends and family were not as supportive - some expressed their very strong distaste for my decision making, their sympathy for Aaron since I was being so ‘selfish’ and putting so much pressure on him, and a sudden need for a specific and detailed plan of exactly how I was going to make this happen. I remember somebody asking me, “Well, what’s your business plan? How are you going to make money? What’s your contingency plan? What are you going to do if you end up failing? What will happen if nobody buys what you want to sell? What’s your 5 year plan?”.
To be honest, I didn’t know. Because there was no way that I could know. What I did know is that I was going to do my best. I was going to put 100% of my heart into everything that I did, and I truly believed that if I focused on what I wanted to create, that somehow it would happen. Maybe this sounds a bit ‘loosey-goosey’ for some folks… but I believed it enough that I was about to take a step into the unknown to prove to myself that it was true.
The decision is made.
While I initially approached Aaron with my idea of leaving my job in very early of 2017 after our near death experience… I didn’t actually leave my job until July of 2017. In between those two points in time, I did a lot of work, and by early summer it became very apparent that I could no longer manage the amount of work that it was taking to run my online backpacking/hiking group as well as working full time night shift for the railroad. Simply put, my full time job was preventing my ‘other’ ideas from having the opportunity to be successful. I also had decided that I wanted to attend the coach training in December of 2017, and to my surprise, Aaron decided that he wanted to attend as well. I started planning two dates for teaching paid backpacking skills workshops, I hired somebody to build my own personal website for my ‘adventure coaching’ business (which was starting to take shape in my mind)… and, last but not least, I got my Wilderness First Responder Certification.
It was during my WFR certification class that I sent my boss the e-mail giving my 2 weeks notice. I was physically ill and shaking as I sent the e-mail, but that moment lives in my mind as one of the most powerful memories of my life. Not because of what happened… but because of what I didn’t know in that moment. To this day, I wish that I could go back in time and give that version of me a tiny glimpse into the goodness that was about to flow into her life.
At that moment, I was absolutely terrified. I mean, I was scared absolutely shitless. I was worried I had made a mistake - but deep in my heart, I knew that I had to do this. Once it was done, I jumped in and never looked back. The past 5 years have been the richest, most delicious 5 years of my life. They have been challenging in ways I never expected, but they have been beautiful and magical in so many ways and I’ve discovered a sense of peace and fulfillment that I didn’t know was possible. Most importantly, I learned to trust my heart - even when there wasn’t any proof.
Now, 5 years later, Aaron just celebrated his own 1 year anniversary of leaving his job at BNSF Railway. Together, as he was preparing to leave his job, we went through some of the same, familiar fears together again - except this time, they felt like ‘old friends’ showing up to say hello. We both knew enough going into the process that we could acknowledge their presence, but not necessarily let them prevent us from continuing to move forward - trusting that things would ultimately work out. And, here we are - 5 years later - living in our little cabin on a lake and riding motorcycles and working for our own company and re-connecting in ways that I had only ever dreamed were possible.
I know that to have a supportive partner like Aaron is a rarity - and I’m so grateful for his kindness, patience and support - especially through the low moments, because there have been a lot of those. If your partner is not supportive right away, or at all, that’s also OK. Focus your attention on what you want to create and on continuing to change your own internal energy.
In future posts, I’ll talk more at length about what happened after I left my job… and how that affected our relationship. Aaron continued working for BNSF railway for about 4 more years after I left, and those years were indeed a challenge on many levels. I am happy to say that we surmounted those obstacles (although it wasn’t easy)… we practiced forgiveness, compassion and patience … and ultimately made a fully committed decision to make our marriage the priority (above Kula Cloth and anything else). The renewed strength of our relationship has been the biggest and most unexpected gift I’ve ever received through this adventure. It redefined love for me in a way that I had never experienced it before - not a love based on ‘needing’ another in order to be complete … but rather a love in which two complete beings are recognizing a connected essence in each other. This is a bond that I feel very grateful to experience with Aaron and it has ultimately made all of the challenges worth it.
I am happy to say that almost 6 years after I left my job, our relationship has never been stronger. We work together every single day and spend our evenings and time off riding motorcycles and eating excessive amounts of burritos. We are even in the process of starting a new business together (a small motorcycle gear company!). I’m so proud of all of the internal work that we’ve both done individually - and the effort that we’ve put in as a couple. It hasn’t been even remotely close to perfect, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Me and Aaron performing together in the Cascades a few years ago.
As always - thanks for asking me anything! If you want to submit a question to AMA with AMA… you can e-mail me at anastasia@kulacloth. com, or submit it anonymously to this Google Form. Absolutely anything goes. Looking forward to hearing your questions!
Sending you all so much love this week, exactly where you are. Thank you for being here, friends!
Love,
Anastasia