The helpful jello of the universe

... and other strange things I write about.

Dear Kula Diaries,

I had this strange vision last week, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about it at first. Why? Well, it’s a little weird. But then, I realized that I don’t really care if it’s weird — it was a cool experience, and I wanted to share it with all of you, because whatever it was that I saw and felt… has actually helped me.

Now, when I say things like the word ‘vision’ — it probably conjures a bunch of ideas in your mind. For the record, it’s worth mentioning I don’t use any drugs. I’ve never tried psychedelics of any kind in my entire life. I have many friends who have used them, so I have zero judgement about them … it’s just not personally something I’ve felt called to do. I did try very poor quality cannabis when I was in college (back when it was legitimately illegal)… and when I left my job in law enforcement, I ate a few nibbles of a cannabis gummy because it made me feel like a rebel. I ended up not liking it, because it made me feel too sleepy. So, there you have it — my true life confession of the entire history of my personal drug use.

When I say that I had a ‘vision’ — it wasn’t induced by any particular substance… it was just something that… well… happened. This has happened to me a few times in my life, and it usually takes place while I’m meditating. I can’t explain these experiences, other than to say that they feel different than just ‘thinking about the thing’ that I’m seeing in my mind: they feel real in a very tangible and visceral way. Each time it’s happened, it’s been a powerful and beautiful experience, and while I can’t necessarily explain them — it always feels like I’m getting a tiny sneak peak behind the veil of my own consciousness. And, also for the record, how cool is that?

Another day, another walk in the dark!

Human consciousness is this wildly weird thing — because what is it? Nobody really knows. And yet, we all instinctively know that if you cut me open right now, you couldn’t point to the place where I am — because who I am (and who you are) is something that exists beyond and yet within the body. It’s wild to comprehend, and such a cool experience to be human, when you really sit down to attempt to contemplate the un-contemplatable.

So, this brings me back to my vision. I was sick this past week, so I wasn’t sleeping very well — and I’ve also been doing some longer meditations than normal. A few days ago, I did about 1.5 hours of meditating during the day - one meditation in the morning, and an hour-long meditation in the evening. I was lying in my bed, trying to fall asleep, and I was not having much success… so, eventually, I stopped trying. Suddenly, I found myself in this strange state — a place that felt like it was between sleeping and wakefulness — and I was walking around outside… but the world was very different. Instead of there being ‘empty space’ between everything in existence, it was if I could see a clear, gelatinous blob that everything existed within. When I walked in this strange reality, the gelatinous blob moved, expanded and adjusted to allow for my existence in each place and in each moment. I had a keen sense that the strange blob was supporting me and gently guiding me on my path — always shifting in response to how I felt. The blob’s natural state was goodness and love, and it naturally assisted me in moving in that direction. When I felt things like shame, anger, fear or lack… I noticed that I was pushing against the natural movement of the blob, and that it didn’t feel good… it felt like effort, because I was moving in opposition to love. It felt like trying. It felt exhausting. But, if I simply paused myself amidst any struggle or anguish and took a deep breath — the blob would naturally bounce back and shift into a place of love.

Me and Captain Joe from last weekend!

It was a very strange vision, and as it happened — I felt like I had been given a very odd glimpse into the inner workings of the universe. I had a feeling of deep connectedness to all things, and a sense of peace and love that, even if I did stumble and fall… I would always been caught and could always be redirected. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that by simply being present, I could allow the blob to nudge me back onto my path… and that there was no wrong way for me to go. I could, without needing to see any evidence of anything at all, trust my path.

The next morning, I forgot about the vision… until I was at the top of the hill, part of the way through my walk. Suddenly, the entire vision came flashing back into my awareness, and I experienced a realization that I could feel for the sensation of love and support that this connected energy provided endlessly. Many years ago, when I was in the very early stages of starting to ‘figure out my life’, I read a book called The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace Wattles … and one passage from that book has always stuck with me:

There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, and fills the inter spaces of the universe.

A thought in this substance, Produces the thing that is imaged by the thought.

Man can form things in his thought, and by impressing his thought upon formless substance, can cause the thing he thinks about to be created.

Now, I’m not about to make claims of some wild scientific discovery… but what Wallace Wattles described in his book… was the feeling that I got from my strange vision of blobular goo. The following morning, I told Aaron about it.

“This is going to sound really weird,” I issued as a preamble. But, luckily, he’s used to me by now.

“I can’t really describe what it was or what I felt. The best description that I can come up with is that it was… well… kinda like… really helpful jello.”

Me and Aaron after our motorcycle ride to Vashon Island!

I’ve thought about this helpful jello over the past week or so, and I’ve used it as a mental exercise many times. When I feel myself starting to go down a path that doesn’t feel great or helpful to me, I’ll stop myself. I close my eyes. I imagine myself being hugged by this helpful, loving jello of the universe itself… and then I’ll ask a simple question: What feels good next? And then, I’ll do that — without questioning it. In some weird way — the jello nudges me in the right direction. My ‘right’ thinking mind is often living in a place of trying to ‘fix’ the things that it believes are ‘wrong’ or wanting things to change or be different than how they are — but I also know that my ‘right thinking’ mind does not have the full picture… because it cannot possibly see how things are lining up for me in ways that I cannot understand or comprehend.

I often find myself in a place of not knowing what to do next — which is the strange feeling that I should be doing something… while simultaneously not knowing exactly what that is. The closest analogy that we have in colloquial terms to this feeling is what some people might refer to as, ‘spinning your wheels’. The part of me that has been trained to work hard… to do more… to check more boxes… that part of me is very uncomfortable with the ‘not knowing’ — because that part of me believes that I’m not doing enough. That part of me also forgets that there is a difference between doing enough and being enough. You can never do enough — because your thinking mind will always tell you that there is something more that you need to do… one last thing you need to check of your list… before you add about a million more things to the list. But being enough? Well, all of us can do that — because we do it naturally by existing exactly as we are. We are enough — right here, and right now in this very moment.

Many years ago, it was hard for me to accept that being enough was my greatest work in the world — that I could allow the love of the universe to guide me to the truth of who I was, simply by feeling my way on a path that I couldn’t see. When I heard people say cliche things such as, “The answers are inside of you”, I’d scoff at them. But, I’ve been learning to trust it more. I’ve been learning to lean into the helpful jello of the universe itself and to feel that it is, in some way that I can’t possibly articulate or understand, nudging me along. I don’t know where I’m going at all times — which, maybe is a strange thing to admit as an entrepreneur. Sometimes I talk to other business owners, and they rattle off their 5, 10, and 15 year plans for their business… with number projections and metrics and a lot of other things that I don’t usually sit around thinking about. Meanwhile — I’m over here contemplating myself moving as a human being through a clear, gelatinous blob. It makes me wonder sometimes — but then I stop to ask myself an important question: Am I happy?

I am happy. I look around me and I feel a lot of love, and I notice a lot of love in all situations. Most of the time, I can feel the wholeness of who I am. I think about the things that I want to create in my life — and I’m very excited for them. I can feel them, even if I can’t see them. I don’t need to see them, because it’s the feeling of them that I want anyways. I try to see the goodness in everybody and everything. I’ve turned chaos into some of the most beautiful moments of my life. I dance everyday and I spend time meditating. I’m mostly peaceful. I feel connected to the world around me. I believe and trust that the ‘work’ of this whole human experience is to feel and radiate love to others. I have learned to place my focus more on being than on doing — and I trust that the helpful jello is nudging me, even when I can’t see what’s happening. In fact, it is the moments of not seeing anything at all, where trust is paramount. Those are the moments in which it becomes the most tempting to spin my wheels — those are the moments when it becomes the most tempting to try and swim upstream and to push against the flow of love that is steadily arriving. And yet, it is in those moments, when it is the most important to let go of the things that we hold the most tightly too — so that the universe, in its infinite wisdom, can flow naturally.

Another month, another shower curtain to design!

The content of my life used to be a means to an end: I’d eat breakfast, just so I could hurry and get to work. I’d finish a task, so that I could get to the next one. I’d rush through things, because I needed to do the next thing… and the next thing… and the next thing. I’m trying to slow down. I’m trying to allow the gelatinous blob of goodness to guide my path … instead of trying to fight my way to a future that always feels out of reach. I’m trying to savor each thing for what it is — a moment of life. A few days ago, I contemplated the beauty of a breakfast sandwich … and cried about it. Sure, maybe that’s not practical on an everyday basis — but isn’t it a nice way to live… in awe and reverence about the beauty of the ordinary things that we so often take for granted. I might not remember this feeling all the time — but I do believe that, in some strange way, it’s always there. I don’t know what it is. I can’t describe it in scientific terms. I know that it is, in some way, the particulate form of love — but if you asked me to do research on it, I’d tell you to go outside and lay down on the ground and see if you could feel it for yourself. I’d ask you to watch a sunrise or a sunset — and see if you can notice it then. I’d tell you to watch a bird fly… or listen to your friends laugh… or dance alone in the rain. I’d tell you to close your eyes and to feel deeply into who you know you are — at the center of it all. Sometimes things don’t need to be able to be explained in order for me to know and feel that in some unexplainable way… they are real.

This past week, I’ve been trying to find the sweet spot of feeling this gelatinous energy (for lack of a better term) around me. In moments where I feel like I’m not sure what to do… or in moments where I feel like I’m starting to dip into a place of unhelpful lack or busy-ness… I try and stop myself and ask one question: what would feel a tiny bit better right now? It’s led me to do some slightly unorthodox things this week:

• Made up a random paid holiday for my fulfillment employees so we could all have an extra day off to have fun

• I dressed up in a garbage bag

• We had a huge production blooper at the Kula Factory… and I felt… oddly happy about the whole situation and the possibilities that it could bring

• I laid down on the ground… as per usual

• I meditated… more.

• I danced… more.

Wan’’t kidding about the garbage bag - ha!

I trust this process — I trust that when I feel good, good things will flow into my life. I also trust that when I feel good and when I can look at the world through the lens of love — that sometimes I’ll also experience difficult things, but that I will be able to see them from a different perspective. I’m seeing more and more that, in every single moment, we have a choice to push against the unseen current of the universe… or to allow the flow of love to show us the beauty of what exists when we learn to let go.

Friends — thank you all so much for being here this week, I truly appreciate you and the loving energy that each of you bring into the world. I’m so grateful for the chance to have a place where I can write about odd things… like invisible jello… and feel like it’s OK to share the experiences, no matter how silly they might seem.

I’m wishing infinite ease, peace, wellness and love to all of you.