The day after gratitude.

What happened immediately after my near death incident.

Dear Kula Diaries readers,

In my last post, I talked about a lot of the ‘heaviness’ that converged to create the ‘perfect storm’ for my own personal awakening. I don’t actually talk about that period in my life much anymore, because I don’t really relate to that version of myself. It’s painful to think of myself as a negative complainer - because I don’t live like that anymore. It’s painful to think of myself as a disappointment, because I don’t feel like a disappointment. I have fully accepted all of the messy parts of my life - and I do believe that they were necessary for me to experience an ‘ego death’ - the detachment from the ‘voice in my head’ that never uplifted me or told me that my dreams were possible.

Isn’t that funny? We are so quick to encourage and cheer others on - but the second we start talking to ourselves, we immediately find ways to argue for our own limitations.

I’m going to give you the nutshell synopsis of what happened immediately after my near death incident:

• I spent nearly 2 weeks crying and I truly felt like the incident had been meant for me. There was a part of my heart that knew it had been necessary. It felt like a message that very specifically said, “Stop living so small, Anastasia.”

• Two weeks after the incident, I started a Facebook Group called, ‘Toward The Mountaintop Inch By Inch’ - I decided that I wanted to take my experience as a Backpacking Instructor and bring it to more people virtually. Quickly, the group gained traction.

• Out of the blue, somebody in the FB group sent me an application for a Backpacker Magazine Seattle Area Trail Scout position. I applied, and I was accepted. I started writing for Backpacker Magazine and started testing gear for Backpacker.

• I started writing again on my personal blog and a woman from Seattle reached out to me with a question and we became friends. Shortly thereafter, she mentioned that one of her friends was a coach/mentor for people who were going through a transition in their life.

• On a complete impulse, I hired my friend’s friend as a personal coach and started spending time meditating and visualizing the future that I wanted to create - without telling myself it wasn’t possible (for the first time).

• I stopped complaining. If I caught myself doing it, I stopped myself in my tracks.

• I decided to start doing little positive habits every single day, just to see what happened (don’t worry - more on those later!).

• I started playing my violin again, for the first time in a few years.

Within a few months of that near death incident, everything in my entire life changed. I went from ‘miserable, grumpy railroad cop’ to, ‘grateful, appreciative woman who wanted to teach others about the outdoors’.

As I began to picture a new future for myself, without any clue at all how I would do it, I felt unbelievably hopeful. Instead of needing to know all the answers - I was free. I spent my time visualizing what I wanted and learning everything that I needed to know about changing my mindset from one of scarcity and lack to one of abundance and gratitude.

On a hike, shortly before leaving my job.

A few years ago, it would have made me cringe to write those words - because I didn’t know what they really meant. And if you experience a little bit of a ‘cringe moment’ reading them - that’s OK too. Keep in mind that I was a steel-toed-boot wearing railroad cop who spent my days wandering around train tracks. If you had told me that I was one day going to be meditating and weeping tears of gratitude, I would probably have laughed at you. I was the most un-woo person that I knew. But as I began to change my life… I couldn’t deny what was happening around me.

I used to think that if I changed my my external conditions, that I would become peaceful and happy. But suddenly, I began to realize that I had learned everything wrong. Trying to change your life situation in order to be happy is like playing a sick game of whack-a-mole. You stomp one thing down, and the next thing you know, something almost identical pops up somewhere else. But here’s the good news: your external environment will shift when you change your internal environment first. Let me repeat that again, because it’s very important: You cannot change your external environment and expect it to make you happy. You must find the feelings that you want to create first and then (and only then) your external situation will change.

Keep in mind that up until this point, I was miserable at work. I spent most of my time complaining about how bad it was and how horrible my schedule was and how I never had any time off… blah blah… if there was something to complain about, I was first in line. But do you know what happened when I stopped focusing on what was ‘wrong’ with my job? Do you know what happened when I spent a little bit of time every single day finding the feeling of gratitude? My job changed. It was like the whole universe did a somersault when I changed the energy within my heart. “Oh look! Anastasia’s no longer radiating the energy of a permanent shitstorm!! Waiitttt… what’s this?! She’s grateful for her life?! Well, let’s show her more stuff to be grateful for!!”

And I swear to you, it got weird. Suddenly, I was encountering the most magical and amazing people at work - I had the best conversations with railroad trespassers and I had fun contacting them and educating them and giving them ‘Junior Special Agent’ stickers. In the evenings, I’d swing by a local coffee stand and randomly buy coffee for the people behind me. I felt giddy with excitement about life and appreciative and grateful for everything. I spent at least a few minutes per shift doing a meditation, and I didn’t complain about anything. Everything suddenly seemed fun again… and what had changed about the job itself? Nothing. The only thing that had changed was me.

As my energy changed, so did the opportunities and ideas that kept flowing to me. My hiking group was growing and expanding and I started having more and more specific ideas about what I wanted to do beyond the railroad. In fact, I started writing it down. One day, I sat down and wrote out a piece of paper that detailed everything I wanted to create. I looked at the list… and gulped. It felt ridiculous to write it down because I didn’t have a tiny clue of how any of it could even be possible. Who was I to start an outdoor gear company? I was ‘just’ a railroad cop who happened to enjoy hiking and backpacking a lot.

It would have been very easy to argue for my limitations and quit, but my near death experience had taught me that all of those ‘beliefs’ in my mind were imaginary and manufactured by me. Sure, I didn’t have a business degree… I didn’t have a funding source… I didn’t know how it was possible… but it didn’t matter.

In the weeks and months after the cataclysmic change in my life, I used to drive around in my police car talking out loud to myself saying, “I don’t know what I’m doing in the outdoor industry yet, but I can feel it coming and I’m so excited,” or “I know that I have a gear company and I can’t wait to see how this all happens!”. I believed it so much that it felt real. When I closed my eyes, I could feel the realness of everything in every single cell of my body. How did it feel? It felt free, and fun and loving and creative and expansive and beautiful and adventurous and infinite. There were days when I felt like my heart was exploding with joy for this ‘thing’ … and I didn’t even know what it was.

I started calling my police car my, ‘rolling university’. I worked 10-12 hour shifts, and I spent excessive amounts of time driving because my territory was so large. For the majority of my shift, I started listening to books that I thought would help me change my mindset. I devoured books like, ‘The Power of Now’ (the first book we’re reading in our book club!), A New Earth, Think and Grow Rich, The Illusion of Money, The Alchemist, The Slight Edge, The Code of the Extraordinary Mind, You Are a Badass… etc… I spent every second when I wasn’t working focusing on what I wanted to create, instead of focusing on what I didn’t want (my job). And honestly, at this point, my job wasn’t even bad - in fact, I felt really grateful that I had so much time to listen to so many books.

As the summer of 2017 approached, I remember walking into my husband’s office at work (we both worked for BNSF Railway) and handing him a piece of paper where I had written down everything that I wanted to create. At the top of the page, it said, “READ THIS EVERYDAY. This is available to you right now, you just have to believe it.”

Among the things that I included on the page were:

As the new reality in my mind began to feel more and more real, I noticed that I felt less and less at home working for the police department. My online hiking and backpacking group was still growing and we were starting to host meet-ups. I was starting to teach backpacking classes online, and working for the police department began to feel like putting on a costume everyday - “What am I even doing here?,” I asked myself. I also had decided that I wanted to attend the same coaching training that my coach had attended - and the dates weren’t going to work out if I was still working for the railroad. Things were lining up and the momentum was flowing easily… it was time to take a step into the unknown.

I will talk about leaving my job more soon, but suffice it to say that I felt very strongly that it was scarier not to leave my job than it was to leave my job. There are a lot of complexities to a decision like this - yes, I was absolutely terrified to do it, but I was also absolutely terrified not to do it. My near death experience had given me the ability to see beyond fear and ‘what-ifs’… and I decided to jump in and just see what happened. I put in my notice at the railroad and told my co-workers that I was going to pursue a career in the, ‘outdoor industry’ - which was code for, “LITERALLY, I HAVE NO F-ING CLUE WHAT I AM ABOUT TO DO… but I think it’s possible.”

On July 20, 2017… I handed over my badge, and walked out of my job at the railroad for the last time. I had jumped into the unknown and I had a vague idea of what I could do. I posted a photograph to my personal social media accounts that day, announcing my departure and my personal vision:

My social media post from July 20, 2017.

My dreams are laughable, Seriously, laughable.

I am going to be the much (much) smaller, female version of Tony Robbins for people who love the mountains and adventure. I am going to write a NY Times best seller about my experiences in the mountains and how they have translated into success in my life. I am going to design a line of technical clothing/gear for hiking, backpacking and mountaineering. With the success of my business, I am going to make an impact in the cause for stewardship education and protecting natural spaces in our country.

I don’t know every little detail of how I’m going to do this, but I can see it so clearly in my mind that when I close my eyes, I know it is real. This isn’t just a dream - it’s my new reality. It is my mission in life, my obsession. I have a hunger for this vision so strong that each day, I wake with an insatiable burning in my heart - an unshakeable desire to climb higher, to a place that I’ve never been, but one that I know exists.

I know it exists, because I’m creating it. I started on this path long before I was born. When the stardust swirled around to create me, this seed was planted in my heart. It lay dormant for many years, hoping to be discovered. Every time it tried to surface, I told it to go away - I was so afraid of failing that I hid it from myself.

But, no more. Every mountain, every trail, every climb, every stumble, every summit, every valley has prepared me for this: a climb to a mountain with no defined path - a path that I will build as I go. Herman Melville wrote, “It’s not down in any map; true places never are.” I often wondered what he meant by that, and now I know. That place you are wanting to find, that place you are looking for - it’s in you.”

So friends - this is where I will leave you this week … with your second assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Without needing to know how it is possible, write down a present-tense statement of a version of your life that really excites you. If you don’t know specifics, that’s OK. If you find yourself feeling frustrated with the activity because you can’t imagine ‘how’ this could be possible - that’s OK too. Just pull back on the details, until it feels good.

Here’s an example of a more specific version of this exercise:

I’m doing something in the outdoor industry and I feel really excited about what I get to do everyday. I’m getting paid to hike and I’m connecting with other, like-minded humans. I start my own company and I make money in fun and easy ways. I feel inspired, free and relaxed. I live in an area surrounded by nature and I spend my mornings hiking and being outside. I am happy, healthy and wealthy and I bring goodness to all who cross my path. I spend a lot of my time travelling and seeing the world and getting paid to do it.

Here’s a more vague example, in case you aren’t sure of the specifics:

I feel creative and inspired everyday and I have a sense of freedom. I’m working on projects that I feel really excited about and I work with people who inspire me. I spend a lot of time outdoors and my job has something to do with being in nature.

If it feels good to you, you can close your eyes and try to visualize this reality for yourself. Remember: you don’t need to know any of the answers or the specifics. Try to focus more on the feeling of what you want to create rather than the, ‘what’ or the ‘how’. This will make a lot more sense later, I promise. Sometimes it helps me to listen to music while I am doing a closed-eye visualization. I have found that this track is really helpful when tuning into my ‘inner world’:

The important thing that you need to know right now is that when you begin to focus forward on what you want to create (rather than on what you don’t want), you begin the process of intentional creation. In other words, you are putting the wheels in motion.

Imagine for a moment that you are a painter - except that you are painting your life with energy. If your energy = focused on what you don’t want… what do you think your painting will look like? You’ll end up painting a reality of exactly the things you don’t want. Conversely - if you are focused on what you do want to create… the magic that emanates from your ‘paintbrush’ will create a beautiful canvas, full of all the things that you want to see.

Keep in mind, in the very early stages of this process, you will waffle back and forth between focusing on what you don’t want and focusing on what you do want. You will also spend time unintentionally focusing on the lack of what you want. This is normal. So, if you find yourself feeling frustrated that, ‘things aren’t happening more quickly’, or , ‘the answers haven’t arrived yet’… that’s perfectly ok. You don’t need to ‘suck’ your thoughts back in - just notice them and bring yourself back to your breathing… take a step back from focusing on what isn’t happening… and go dance for a little bit (if you know me, you know I’m serious about that).

AI tells me this is a dancing cat, but I’m not entirely buying it… ha!

I can’t wait to hear how your homework goes this week - if it feels good to you, I highly recommend that you continue with your daily gratitude meditations, or another form of meditation. I shared a post yesterday with some of my favorite meditations, which I hope will be helpful if you are just getting started with a meditation practice.

I’ll end, as always, with a poem (below) … and please know that I am sending you all so much love. It has been a true joy to be able to write down these words and share them with all of you. I feel like they’ve been bottled up for a long time now - waiting and wanting to be shared, and it feels good to let them go, knowing they are being received.

I hope you all have a beautiful week - and please submit questions for ‘AMA with AMA’ at either anastasia@kulacloth.com or using this Google form.

Love,

Anastasia

'Glass Seed'

I found it one day
Nestled in my heart
A glass seed
So thin and frail
I could barely feel it
In the palm of my hand
Protect it, I heard
And so I hid it away
But it was so beautiful
So shimmery
That I wanted it to be seen
What is it, they asked?
It’s a glass seed, I explained
So they tried to break it
Crush it
Tell me it wasn’t real
Because a glass seed isn’t anything anyways
It can’t become something
It can’t grow
But I didn’t believe them
And so I planted it in my heart
Watered it with love
Sprinkled it with laughter
Serenaded it with notes
Nourished it with joy
And the seed started to grow
Each day it grew
Until one day I wasn’t afraid it would crumble
And I took it out for the world to see
This is my glass seed, I said
A transparent glimmer
Brightly shining in the sun
Unbreakable at last
As it bloomed into everything I’ve ever hidden away
In the garden of my heart