This week’s post is meant to be like a little shot of espresso for your ideas and dreams. Feeling stuck or sluggish… and losing hope? This one’s for you. You aren’t alone, friend.
In one of my earlier weekly posts, I shared one of my poems at the very end. This week, I’m going to share the same poem at the start of my post. This is a poem that I wrote based on my experience of bringing an idea to life. I call it, ‘The Glass Seed’:
'Glass Seed' I found it one day Nestled in my heart A glass seed So thin and frail I could barely feel it In the palm of my hand Protect it, I heard And so I hid it away But it was so beautiful So shimmery That I wanted it to be seen What is it, they asked? It’s a glass seed, I explained So they tried to break it Crush it Tell me it wasn’t real Because a glass seed isn’t anything anyways It can’t become something It can’t grow But I didn’t believe them And so I planted it in my heart Watered it with love Sprinkled it with laughter Serenaded it with notes Nourished it with joy And the seed started to grow Each day it grew Until one day I wasn’t afraid it would crumble And I took it out for the world to see This is my glass seed, I said A transparent glimmer Brightly shining in the sun Unbreakable at last As it bloomed into everything I’ve ever hidden away In the garden of my heart
If you’ve ever had an idea about anything in your life, then you know that the new seed of that idea is precious and fragile. You feel so excited about the seed, that you want to show it to everybody… but since the seed is so new and small, it’s more difficult to see that it’s ‘real’. It’s hard to look beyond its size and see the potential within - the massive tree into which it can and will bloom. And that, friends - is your job. As the guardian of the glass seed, it is your job to focus on the vision of what you want that seed to grow into - instead of simply looking at a tiny seed in the palm of your hand and wistfully hoping that maybe someday it’ll grow… while simultaneously telling yourself that you aren’t really good at gardening anyway.
Almost immediately after I had the idea for Kula Cloth, I talked myself out of it. I had mentioned the idea to a few people, and the reaction was pretty consistent across the board:
Very quickly, instead of focusing on the vision of what I wanted to create… I was focusing on all of the reasons why I shouldn’t create it. I was focused on imaginary what-if scenarios of a future reality that had not even happened. I was acting from a place of complete fear… and in my own unconscious fear… I didn’t even try. I quit and walked away from it all.
Ultimately, as I shared last week, I came back to the idea about a year later … and had a renewed sense of vigor after almost dying and realizing that indeed… I really didn’t have anything to fear about starting a pee cloth company. And yet, as soon as I got excited again… the doubters resurfaced. Except this time, I was ready.
I initially started doing most of the research by myself - but as I began to reach out to people to ask questions and share my idea… I got a lot of raised eyebrows and even some eye rolls. “You’re making a…. WHAAAAT?” But… you know what? Other people got it and they could feel and sense the energy and excitement that I had about creating this product. I had absolutely zero experience in the textile industry - and, as it turns out, this was the best case scenario for me… because I didn’t know any ‘rules’ of the textile industry. I was told a few years after starting Kula Cloth that textile mills, ‘don’t take phone calls from small companies with no product.’ After I heard that, I remember thinking to myself, “Thank goodness I didn’t know that two years ago!” In the first month of trying to figure out how to make a Kula Cloth, I had called a textile mill and ended up talking with the owner and CEO of the company for almost an hour and a half. Now, five years later, Kula Cloth is one of their largest customers. When you believe in yourself - other people can sense that - and maybe, just maybe, they will break the ‘rules’ for you too.
How does this apply to you?
When you have an idea… or a dream… or a random inspiration… or feel excited about something… you are going to want to share your excitement with others. And you should share it - because it is really exciting! But, if for any reason you are not met with a reflected enthusiasm… I want to make it very clear that it does not mean your idea is not a good one. Let me repeat:
If somebody cannot see your vision right away and does not share your enthusiasm about your idea or passion… it absolutely does not mean that you should not continue to follow your heart.
Only you can see your vision. Only you can feel the excitement brewing inside of you. Only you can sense the intensity of creation that you will feel when an idea wants to be expressed by you. You are the only person in this cosmos who can know that. It’s easy to be dissuaded by the projected fears of others … believe me, I was dissuaded by the limiting beliefs of others for decades. But, as I have come to understand through my own creation process - you must learn to trust that your heart is leading you in the right direction.
One thing that helped me early on was to listen to the ‘well meaning advice’ of friends and family - and then ask myself, “Is this person living their life how I want to live mine?” If the answer was no (which it often was if they were giving me foreboding advice), then I would silently say to them in my mind, “I appreciate your love and care… but I know myself and I trust myself and I believe in myself and I choose to create a different reality.” And then, I would let their advice go. Most of the time the people who are peppering you with fearful beliefs are living fearfully in their own life - and projecting it onto yours. It usually is coming from a place of love and care - but it absolutely will not be helpful in helping you bring your idea to fruition.
The path back to yourself.
When you were born, you didn’t question your worth or your value - it was inherent through your existence as a human being on this planet. You were worthy simply because you were here. So what happened? Somewhere along the way, you started (as we all do), attributing your ‘worthiness’ to outside affirmations and validations… achievements… arbitrary measures of success. None of these things is bad - but they cannot begin to capture the radiant, brilliant miracle that you are.
There is a video of me as a kid (and this is an old video… it’s on a VHS tape somewhere!) and my neighbor filming the video asks me a question as I sit on a small brick wall, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. I look back at him and with absolute belief in myself I say, “I’m going to be a rock collector, a soccer player, an astronaut, a dancer and an artist.” There was not one shred of doubt in my mind at that moment that I could do all of those things. I could hear my neighbor snickering off camera - his disbelief in my ‘ambitious’ goals was apparent to me as I watched the video back many years later. Over the years, I would continue to have ideas and they would be all but dismissed by well-meaning people who were trying to teach me about, ‘the way the world works’. And, I believed them. I mean - why shouldn’t I have believed them? I didn’t know that I could create anything that I wanted in the world - because nobody ever told me that.
And, so, I did what most (but not all) people on this planet do: I went on autopilot. Checking off all ‘the boxes’ that I was supposed to check off in order to make my parents and my teachers and my friends proud of me. For me personally, in no particular order, these were:
When I finally decided to scrap the medical school idea - I was terrified, because I was really going against the grain. I had decided to be ‘pre-med’ in college because it seemed like what everybody else was doing, and I thought that maybe… just maybe… I’d get the approval and validation that I was seeking. During my senior year of college, I spent the year working 12 hour shifts in a Level 1 Trauma Unit… and I very quickly decided that I did not want to spend the rest of my life working in a hospital. After I told my family that I was going to move to WA to become a Park Ranger, my mom hosted a nice ‘going away’ party for me to celebrate… not one of my friends showed up… and one of the guests at the party scoffed at me when I told them my dream of working outdoors, “Oh… that’s just Anastasia and another one of her adventures.”
Moving to WA to become a Park Ranger was one of many times that I would ultimately go against the grain and do things that felt good to me - rather than things that were done entirely to please others. And do you know what I discovered as I started following my own heart, instead of the wishes of others? I started feeling pretty darn good about who I was on the inside. The lack of worthiness and the feelings of inadequacy started to disappear - because I was no longer seeking them in inconsistent approval from others - I was beginning to discover that I had them within me all along.
When I finally left my job as a railroad police officer to start a pee cloth company - I faced harsh criticism from some of the people that I care about the most. While it was painful to feel like I was letting them down - I knew that their feelings about being disappointed were more about them than they were about me. I resolved to stick to my own intuition and follow my heart - and I was able to release the need for their immediate support with love. Surprisingly, once I started to experience ‘proof of success’ with my business (i.e. once it actually existed and I had a website), the same people who were harshly critical at first… were some of the first folks to express their pride and support. While it felt good to receive positive accolades - I no longer needed it to feel good about myself.
And that’s the thing: the process of letting go of external validation doesn’t mean that you won’t feel good when somebody says something nice or that you won’t feel hurt when somebody says something unkind. You might experience a full range of emotions, given the circumstances … but, your primary source of wellbeing, love, and belonging will come from within your own heart.
You are unduplicatable.
When you first have an idea to do something, in addition to the predictable doubters - you will also have another nemesis - the doubt within your own mind. Common doubts include (but are not limited to):
Unfortunately, our brain likes to look for problems (because we’ve unintentionally trained it to do that) … and it seems to forget one very, very important thing: you are unduplicatable. There is nobody on this planet exactly like you - nobody that can bring exactly what you bring into the world. You are the only human in the cosmos who can bring what you want to bring into the world in the brilliantly unique way that only you can see it. Absolutely nobody else can do it!
As you begin to shift your mind from a place of lack to a place of abundance… you will begin to open your eyes to the infinite-ness that you hold inside of you. Look around you for a moment at the infinite-ness of everything. I sometimes like to call this the, ‘everything-ness of everything’. See if you can even remotely comprehend it. I’m going to use the room I’m sitting in right now as a dramatic example:
I’m currently writing this post while sitting in my kitchen on a bar stool at a counter top. I’m typing on a computer that is the result of an unfathomable amount of knowledge and technology contributed by tens of thousands of humans (or more!) over the history of the world. I am looking at, among other things, a fridge… a sink… a stove… a frying pan… some glass cups… a cell phone charger… a headlamp (random)… my cat Niko, a bottle of olive oil… a jar of spices… a bag of tortilla chips… some handmade pottery…. a dozen apples… a small statue of an alien holding a gnome… an electric tea kettle and a very overpriced blender. Try to comprehend the amount of knowledge… technology… human brain power… human work… material… organic compounds… sunlight… water… energy… well, you get the point. It’s exhausting and infinite - and you can trace every molecule in everything that exists back, probably a bajillion years (ok, don’t quote me on that).
You are a part of that infiniteness. There is enough room for you. Your ideas, desires, dreams, creations and the good that you want to bring into the world is meant to be here. In fact, as you bring more goodness into the world… you give permission for others to do the same. There is no greater gift that you can give than allowing the universe itself to work with you to create something beautiful and special and a unique expression of you.
Every time that you feel that doubt surface, or every time that an ‘outsider’ introduces doubt into your experience - it’s not bad… in fact, it’s normal. But that doesn’t mean that it’s true. The experience of fear and doubt changes and shifts when you become conscious that those thoughts can exist, but you don’t have to believe them. So, the practice becomes noticing that the thoughts are there… acknowledging their presence… thanking them for their service (after all, they are trying to protect you… however a little misguided)… and then let them go. Come back to your breathing. Be here in the moment right now - no story, no what-ifs, just pure awareness of that infinite universe that lives within you. That is the space between… the space where all things are possible.
In my own experience of creating Kula Cloth, I discovered that this doubt/fear process was cyclical:
First, the fear or doubt would arise in my consciousness. Sometimes, I wouldn’t notice it right away and I’d spend some time in the rabbit hole of my mind, which wasn’t a pretty place. Eventually, I’d recognize that I had been unconsciously identified with my thoughts - and I’d become aware of them as thoughts… not as real things. In simpler terms - I would notice the thoughts as a separate thing from me. I am not my thoughts. Finally, I’d find ways to reconnect with that infinite part of myself. For me, this was through music, poetry, spending time outside, dancing, etc…
And here’s the thing: Five years into running Kula Cloth, and I still do this.. but it’s much easier for me now to catch myself when things get a little squirrely.
All of this to say…
Whatever it is that you want to create… you can do it. You don’t need to know how right now. You don’t need to have all of the answers. If your dad or mom or Uncle Frank think that you’re a moron - that sucks, but it also doesn’t mean that you can’t do it. If your neighbor rolls their eyes at you … or if your mom’s friend says, “Oh that’s just another one of your adventures”… well, you just look them all square in the face and proudly say, “YES IT IS! It’s another one of my beautiful, brilliant adventures in this amazing, miraculous, unique life that I’m creating because I’m a part of this wild, infinite cosmos and I came here to do something special and unique that only I can do.”
Once you know that you don’t need to know how to do something - you are free. You are free to know that even if you don’t know how… it doesn’t mean you can’t do it. Being OK with not knowing will set you free from every limitation you’ve ever imposed on yourself. Suddenly, all of the doubts and fears become, “I don’t know how this is possible, but I believe it is - and I’m open to the answers.”
Friends… being open to the ‘everythingness of everything’ is where I will leave you this week - and I hope that it provides a smidgen of hope for wherever you are right now. Over the next few days… I encourage you to watch your mind. Watch the repetitive brain patterns and cycles that come back over and over again trying to ‘tell you things’. Notice them like Sherlock Holmes and see if you can loosen their grip and let go a little bit. See if you can use them as a little clue - not for anything bad at all - but rather, as fuel to create something more beautiful. Each time you notice one, it’s your clue to replace that thought with something that feels more open, hopeful and inviting:
I hope that all of you have a tremendously beautiful week - as always, please never hesitate to reach out. If you have a question that you’d like me to cover in my weekly ‘AMA with AMA’ post, you can submit that anonymously through this Google Form here.
Sending you all a lot of love today!
Love,
Anastasia