Open to the possibilities of life

A new way to live

Dear Kula Diaries,

This morning I went on my normal 4am walk, and on the way down the hill… I stopped. I laid down on the ground for awhile and I just looked up at the stars. Then, I sat up and stared at the moon for awhile… and noticed the gentle clouds that gave the darkness a wavy texture. I turned off my headlamp and I closed my eyes, and I just sat there — allowing myself to feel a sense of completion, exactly where I was. There was nothing on my ‘to-do’ list that would make me feel more complete. There was nothing outside of myself that was going to make me ‘better’.

My brain would usually beg to differ. My brain wants to tell me about all the things that I need to think about right now. My brain wants to have conversations with the imaginary ‘people in my head’ who sometimes irk me. My brain wants me to figure out how I’m going to get from where I am to where I want to go. My brain needs all the answers… right now.

And, today, sitting on the dirt in the dark, I said out loud: I don’t need the answers.

I don’t need to keep looking for something that I can’t possibly know how it might end up happening. In fact, as I try to figure out ‘how’ something can happen… I limit myself to the few ideas that I can ponder… while simultaneously cutting myself off from the infinite ways in which anything and something and everything can happen at any point in time. I have to remind myself of this often: you don’t need to know how to do it, you just need to know that it’s possible.

When I sit on the ground and I look at the stars, it feels like everything is possible. I don’t need anything fancy to sit on the ground and look at the stars. I’m wearing oversized multi-colored sweatpants… my hair is a mess… I’m feeling a little lethargic… my sneaker has a hole in it. And yet, in that moment, nothing needs to be added to anything. I can just be there — and it feels like the everythingness of the universe is sitting there with me too. In those moments of quiet, I know that everything is possible and I can feel the realness of the things that I want to create in my life — without having any clue how to do any of them.

My husband took this photo of me the other night on our walk, and I think it’s my new favorite!

That was always scary for me — not knowing how to do something. I was stuck in not-knowing for most of my life. I’d have an idea about something that felt interesting, but I wouldn’t know how it would all work out — so I’d quit. After I went to Bhutan in 2011, I had the opportunity to go back to Bhutan as an ex-patriate to teach violin lessons. My dad asked me, “How are you going to make your car payment?”. I didn’t know how I would do it — so I decided not to go. Looking back on it now — there were infinite ways in which I could have figured that situation out, but in my state of lack and not-knowing… I couldn’t see past the reality of what existed in front of me. I was so worried about doing the wrong thing… and about, ‘what could happen’… that I denied myself the opportunity of a lifetime because of a $200 car payment. I wanted, more than anything to be responsible — and so I told myself that having dreams was reckless and ridiculous… a fantastical notion that I didn’t get to have.

I’ve been trying to practice the feeling of wholeness a lot lately — simply finding that feeling in my heart, exactly where I am… not needing anything to be different, and not needing to know how things are going to happen or change. It’s an odd sense of surrender and trust that I’ve practiced over the years — but, I often find, that it requires me to re-commit to it every so often when I notice that I’ve been swept up in ‘doing’ . It’s easy to get caught up in doing — because it’s always right in front of your face. It shows up in the work you do… the responsibilities you have… the people that are ‘doing’ things to you… the tasks you need to accomplish. Somewhere along the way, we get so swept up in doing that we deprioritize our ability to remember what it is to simply be. We are always looking for the next thing… or person… or accomplishment… or whatever… to complete who we are. It’s endless and exhausting.

As a compulsive ‘hard worker’ for most of my life — I’ve sought validation in external sources to a fault. This need for external validation is a hunger that can never be satisfied… because even the things that we think will fill the void…don’t. Sure, maybe they will at first… but, eventually, that dull ache comes back again and we are left… alone… and seeking out another source of that feeling. There is nothing wrong with seeking or wanting — because expansion and creation are important parts of our experience here on earth. However, seeking and wanting from a place of needing something in order to feel better will always leave you empty handed — grasping for a sense of meaning outside of ourselves.

I took this photo while lying down on the ground on my walk a few days ago!

I want to apologize to the version of myself that I was so hard on. I did not give her much grace. I expected her to be strong, no matter what. I expected her to work, tirelessly — towards some future point when ‘success’ would allow her to finally relax for a little bit. And, in doing that, I pushed her too far. And for what? So that I could send a few extra e-mails? No amount of frantic working will ever allow the goodness of the universe to flow into your life. It is only when we open our hearts that we truly have access to the infiniteness of our true nature. Our neediness shuts the door… and our generosity and gratitude and love opens the floodgates.

A few nights ago, I set an alarm on my phone for 7:06 PM. The alarm simply said, “DANCE EXPERIMENT”. It was my 1,188th day of dancing… and I hadn’t attended our normal morning session… so I always set an alarm for myself so that I don’t forget to include a little bit of dancing every single day. Somehow, my Spotify app found the song that I needed to hear:

I slipped on my sound cancelling headphones, and I looked up at the sky — the clouds were grey, billowy pillows, and I felt a deep sense of love for the whole world around me… a deep knowing that was, in some unexplainable way, a part of it too. The ‘lyrics’ of this song are actually a recording from Alan Watts, and I’ll share that with all of you — because the words gave me such a feeling of inner peace:

All this universe
Is like water
It is fluid; It is transient; It is changing
You are something the whole universe is doing in the same way that a wave is something that the whole ocean is doing
The way to become one with the universe is to... Trust it
That is to say to be able to...
Drift like a cloud and flow like water
Seeing that all life is a magnificent illusion and there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of

What you do is what the whole universe is doing
At the place you call hеre and now

In some way, the greatest relief does not arrive by getting anything or achieving anything. The greatest relief is simply knowing that there is nothing that we have to become at all. We are extensions of an unfathomable current of love, and when we allow ourselves to see and know this… there is, indeed, nothing to fear.

Friends, I’m sending you all so much love today — wherever you are on this spinning orb in a vast cosmos. I hope that you feel loved and appreciated today and that you find some time to simply allow yourself to soak in the goodness of who you truly are.

I’m so grateful for all of you!

P.S……..

This is just for fun! I’ll use a random number generator and select 4 winners on Monday… you’ll be notified by e-mail if you win!