Little miracles and strong beams.
... and a bunch of stuff that happened.
Dear Kula Diaries,
Today I’m going to share something that I wrote on February 9th of this year… and never posted. To be honest, I’m not sure why… but here it is….
Each week I sit down to try and determine what I want to share in my weekly post — and each week, predictably, I feel called to do something new or different. In the past 36+ weeks I’ve shared everything from entrepreneurial tips… to fiction… to cookie recipes and gear reviews. It’s different every week, because each week is a snapshot into a new moment in life. I’ve never been the type of person who likes to get ‘stuck’ in one place.
Before I left my job about 6 years ago, I went to a life coach in the early stages of figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. As a part of that process, my coach gave me an exercise to draw or write down how I felt in my then life situation… and how I wanted to feel in my new life situation. I drew an image of myself standing inside of a glass orb — in the picture, I could see the things that I wanted to create for myself, but they were always out of reach. I felt limited by an ‘invisible’ dome that seemed to prevent me from truly expanding and continually evolving. I’d get excited about an idea… and then, I’d lose momentum and stop. Or, I’d get started on a project that seemed fun… and my boss would tell me that I needed to stop and do something else. The thing I wanted the most was to be able to constantly grow and expand in every direction.
When I sat down to complete the second half of the exercise, I drew something completely different… I drew myself, holding a key… which was the key to the door of the glass dome that I had been ‘trapped’ by. Instinctively — I knew that I was the one who had been keeping myself stuck in place, and I also knew that I had the key. The colors in the 2nd image were vibrant and bright and I had written words like, ‘expansive’ and ‘infinite’ and ‘growth’ and ‘fun’ in big letters all around me. I remember sitting at my kitchen table looking at the image, and wondering how it could be possible.
Walking into the unknown is a weird thing to do, when you’ve only ever lived in familiar places. For most of my life I did the things that I was ‘supposed’ to do: I followed the path … and accepted the nature of the reality that I was presented with. I checked all the boxes. If I let myself have a fleeting moment of dreaming about something different… I quickly told myself that it wasn’t possible or that it was a reckless idea to pursue. I repeated this cycle… ad nauseum… until I started to wonder if, perhaps, I was the one who had created the problem to begin with. In fact, maybe there wasn’t a problem at all — maybe, I just needed to see things differently.
I still remember the day that I quit my job — I was in the middle of a Wilderness First Responder Certification course and, with my hand shaking, I pressed ‘send’ on the e-mail to my boss. I felt sick to my stomach. I had no idea what was going to happen… no proof that anything was possible… but I really believed that it was. I had done the same thing… over and over again… for most of my life, and it had led me to a place where I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I knew that if I wanted to create something new… I couldn’t keep doing the same things over and over.
When you do something ‘drastic’ like leave your job, people often call it a leap — but I don’t think that it is. By the time you reach that point, you’ve navigated turbulent waters of fear and doubt… and you’ve confronted long-standing beliefs that have guided your path in life for a long time. The courage comes not in that one, very visible moment of pressing ‘send’… but in the unseen moments that have led up to that singular point in time. When I think about my own journey, it was the battle against myself that was the hardest to win: stepping around the naysayers with love… continuing to move forward, even without proof… walking past the beliefs that had previously shaped the course of my life… doing things that others did not understand or approve of… deciding to put my trust, for the first time, in myself. There were many, many quiet moments where I cried alone — wondering if I was doing the wrong thing — and hoping that, maybe some day, I’d figure this all out.
This past week, I was featured on the Papa Bear Hikes Podcast… and this morning on my walk, I listened to my episode. Sometimes, in the midst of an interview, I lose track of everything I’ve said… and it’s nice to listen back and reflect on the conversation.
When I listen to myself now… nearly 6 years into the Kula Cloth journey, I don’t hear much of a hint of the version of me who was afraid to try something new. And yet, I promise you: she’s still there sometimes. Kula Cloth has become my ‘new familiar’ … and so, the adventure becomes constantly evolving and growing so that even something that was once new… doesn’t slip into the same 'illusion’ of stuck-ness.
When I write The Kula Diaries each week sometimes an obvious ‘theme’ comes to me easily and effortlessly… this was one of those weeks where it didn’t. As we were hiking down the hill on our morning walk, I asked my husband, “What should I write about this week?” He looked at me and laughed, “Write about a bunch of stuff that happened.” He explained to me that there was an episode of The Simpsons where the characters were attempting to find the ‘moral of the story’ … and nobody could agree on it. At the end of the episode, Homer proclaims, “Maybe it’s just a bunch of stuff that happened!”
When I think about my life… and about life in general… that’s really all it is: a bunch of stuff that happened. We are the ones who create the meaning around those things that happen, and it is up to us to determine how we respond. This past week has included a wild assortment of randomness in the world of being an outdoor company founder:
I moved forward with (finally) upgrading the Kula Cloth website (coming soon!)
I finalized fabric choices and pattern choices for the summer version of the Rapunzel Gaiter
I discovered a double pickle in a jar and filmed a video about it
I danced to a playlist about dreaming
I taught people about how to poop and pee in the woods
I walked and danced, excessively
I baked a batch of caramelized banana blondies
I spent time watching Jasper Sprinkles, our adopted ‘stray’ cat
And that was it. I just ended it there. On February 9th, 2024… I wrote that much… and then just stopped.
I don’t know why I didn’t finish it… or what exactly prompted me to bounce to something else… maybe it was because somehow, I was supposed to come back to it today. And, for the record … the double pickle that I mentioned is still in its jar in my fridge… I just couldn’t bring myself to throw it away yet (or eat it). And, I think I did end up using that Homer Simpson quote in another one of my weekly posts (it’s profound). Our new website has been active now for a few weeks… our summer Rapunzel gaiters are in production… and Jasper the cat is still visiting my house every single evening (along with an occasional opportunistic possum). Last night, I made a batch of oatmeal butterscotch blondies — and they were like eating a small square of heaven.
Life is rolling on. And I’m doing my best to drift like a cloud and float like water. Sometimes I hit a few snags along the way… but the current is always there. And I can always choose to let go.
February wasn’t that long ago — but it seems like so much has changed since then. For one thing, I stopped trying really hard. I started talking out loud to myself every single day… and I made my state of being the number one priority… over my habitual impulse to focus more on ‘getting things done’ through action. I let go of trying to make things happen, and I started allowing things to happen. And, guess what? They’ve been happening. Little miracles started sprouting up — everywhere. It’s so strange for me to look back at my own life and piece together all of the little pieces… and it’s nearly miraculous for me to see how they always work out in such a perfect way. We are so quick to judge where we are based on an arbitrary yardstick of progress that gets longer and longer, no matter how hard we try or no matter how many feathers we put in our cap. Isn’t it funny that it takes us so long to realize this? We are so lost in the doing that we somehow lose sight of what really matters along the way. We spend our lives running in circles to get… nowhere. Everything is always leading us back to ourselves — and guess what? We’re with ourselves right now… so we can cut ourselves some slack and just learn to enjoy and appreciate everything about who we are — without spending most of our time wishing we were somewhere different.
Little miracles aren’t hard to spot, if you know where to look for them. They could be as small as seeing a smiley face… or seeing a picture of an octopus. A few weeks ago, I came home from work and saw an e-mail from a woman at REI telling me that they were publishing an article about Kula Cloth on their blog. I sat at the workbench in our tiny garage studio (which used to be the Kula HQ)… and I cried. Why? I didn’t cry because I was sad… or because I felt a sense of superiority… I cried because I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that the universe — in some way — had created that moment for me. In all of my walking… in all of my appreciating… in all of my lying down on the ground and not trying to make anything at all happen… it felt like the universe itself was giving me a little reminder: “We’ve got this. You can trust us. Just let go a little bit more.”
Letting go isn’t always easy — especially in a world that tells you that you need to work harder and ‘hustle’. Our society — particularly among entrepreneurs — tends to perpetuate the idea that if you aren’t devoting 23.75 hours per day to ‘income producing activity’ … that you’re doing it wrong. Well, I’ve got news for you: if that’s the type of life that you want to live… and if that gives you a sense of fulfillment… go for it. But, if you try it — and find that it leaves you feeling stressed and empty and constantly trying to fill the void — then, I’d suggest lying on the ground for 20 minutes and looking at the stars… and seeing how you feel. What can you discover when you close your eyes? What can you see and feel in the depths of your soul? What were you really meant to bring into this world? When you can let go of what everybody tells you that you should be doing… what is it that you feel called to do?
A few years ago, I read Marianne Williamson’s book, Return to Love. In the ‘Work’ section of the book she describes the difference between a person with a weak beam and a person with a high beam. The person with the weak beam is the type of person who is only out to serve their own interests. A person with a high beam is somebody who is motivated and driven by serving others with love. When I read that book, I looked honestly at my own beam… and I realized that it was dimmer than it needed to be. I was focused on what I didn’t have… I complained a lot about where I was (and where I wasn’t)… and I needed things to be different. I was spending a lot of time trying to force things to happen. I wasn’t willing to let go, because I was — quite honestly — afraid. If I let go, would things fall apart? Would I get behind? Would I stop making progress? Would I fail and disappoint people? Would I disappoint myself?
The universe responds to weak beams… in weak ways. I can personally attest to this truth. If you complain a lot… you’ll find more things to complain about. If you are angry about where you are in life…you’ll probably stay stuck for a little while longer. I know somebody who told everybody about how he was ALWAYS the victim of scams. And guess what? I have never met anybody who was scammed more in my life. This guy got scammed constantly. Isn’t it strange that we tell ourselves the story about the things that we don’t want… and then get ‘surprised’ when the story that we tell comes true? But — there is hope… in fact, there is a lot of hope… because you can change your beam. You can change your story. And the beam of love is the brightest beam of all. When you send out a powerful beam to the universe — it responds in powerful ways. In my most profound moments of gratitude and appreciation — I can feel that love that connects all of us, and it reminds me that I’m OK. Love is this big, gentle cushion that is meant to catch us — and it’s not something we can lose, because it is simply who we are.
This boulder is one of my favorite meditation spots, and my phone (propped up on a rock) was nice enough to capture the moment to share with all of you.
Reading my words from February showed me something important: it showed me that the expansion and growth that I had wanted is happening. It showed me that I am not in a glass orb — I am not trapped or stuck. I am flowing with the current of life and I am following the little ideas and impulses… and she just seeing what happened. It doesn’t matter if it’s a double pickle or a new type of morning practice… or a different flavor of blondie: it’s all important and it all is a part of the interconnected web of everything.
When I started writing The Kula Diaries in May of 2023, I didn’t know what to expect. Honestly, I was just hoping that I’d be able to carve out enough time in my week to dedicate to this writing practice. I had ‘seen’ a version of myself that was spending a lot of her time doing the creative things that she loved — and I knew that I had to become that version of me, in order for it to exist. I had spent far too much time pushing it off. In 2017, in the very early days of trying to ‘figure my life out’, I read a book called The Code of the Extraordinary Mind. In it, the author made a comment about growth being a perpetual evolution. I’m paraphrasing this… but he said something to the effect of, “You wouldn’t run Windows 95 on a brand new computer!”. Our own minds are the same way — we are constantly evolving and growing and changing… and as we continually visualize a newer version of who we are, we shift and change to allow for the expansion. It’s OK to let go of some habits… and try new ones. In a few months, I don’t even know if I’ll be talking to myself out loud anymore — or, if I am, maybe it will be in a new way… so that I can allow the momentum of life to continue to carry me forward.
What I do know is this: I might do different things and go different places… new ideas might arrive… and other ideas might fade. In a few months, I might be baking an entirely new type of blondie (although I have to admit — my oatmeal butterscotch blondies are my new favorite!). I can’t say what the future will bring — but I do know this… the beam that I am sending out right now is creating the world that I want to live in, and I do have the choice and the ability to focus that beam. I can look around me at the little miracles. I can lie on the ground and look up at the stars. I can sense and feel the goodness of everything that exists — and I can send that strong beam out into the universe… and trust that it will be received.
Friends, thank you all so much for being here — this week, I’m giving away a BUNCH of Kulas (for fun - see the image below!)… all you have to do is be a subscriber… and check your e-mail sometime on Monday or Tuesday, as I will be e-mailing the winners directly. I’m so truly grateful for your support and interest and for allowing me to continue to share my words each week — it means a lot.
I hope that you all have a beautiful week — I am wishing you all infinite peace, ease and wellness.
As a fellow (social) entrepreneur, female founder of a seriously random outdoors organisation (https://outdoorpeople.org.uk/) I LOVE your posts. I keep unsubscribing from all sorts of other stuff but never yours. Quirky, honest, committed and funny, I love them.
I’m on my own journey to try to break out of the 23/7 work pressure, and your posts are an inspiration. I love that work, life, self development and cats are all part of your journey.
And I give all my female team members, volunteers and of course friends your Kulas!
Thanks!