Kula Diaries Friends: Beck Littlefield
Finding purpose in life through death.
Dear Kula Diaries,
I met Beck Littlefield on New Years Eve on the side of a very snowy mountain. I had snowshoed to Artist Point with Rose for an impromptu Musical Mountaineers concert, and Beck happened to be there for a snowshoeing trip as well. I can’t be positive, but I think you can see Beck around the 1:25 mark in this video from that day, filmed by our friend Mitch Pittman:
Over the past few years, I’ve had the privilege and honor of watching Beck navigate her own path through life. I’m so proud of the work she is is doing, and I am so honored to be able to share her story here on The Kula Diaries. I hope that you will be as touched by her life experiences as I was.
Kula Diaries Friends: Beck Littlefield
“The tighter we cling to an identity the harder it becomes to grow beyond it. “
-James Clear, “Atomic Habits”
I’ve been a social worker in various roles for over 20 years. It’s become part of my identity to help others. It’s altruistic. It also can be paralyzing. How do you break out of your identity and do something new, something that is hard to explain to people, and something that is a difficult topic for most of us to speak on. No one likes to talk about death, certainly not in a personal way. Let me tell you a little story about how I arrived here. You may want to get a warm cozy drink and settle in. As I tell my story, I am also challenging you to keep an open mind with yours.
Racehorse Falls is 20 minutes away, and I needed to go there today to clear my head before writing about myself, considering I’ve never liked having the spotlight on me. Nature has always been a salve, from mountain tops to lush forests, and all the mushrooms in between. Instead of fearing comparison to others and my strangeness being exposed to the public, I’m going to approach my story with a curiosity. I am genuinely humbled to have this opportunity. I joked with Anastasia that this may be the only time a founder of the greatest pee cloth company in the world, and an end-of-life guide, whose friend dubbed “Celestial Resourceress” get a chance to collaborate, through Kula Diaries Friends. Lucky me!
Water has always been calming in my life. Beyond that it’s a metaphor of movement and change. The snow melt above Racehorse Falls, gathers momentum and with some help from gravity, flows into the river below and eventually out to the ocean. One drop of water continues its life cycle. We are like that drop of water; the more that we go with the flow, the easier the path. I’m going to try to hold on to that truth. I’d like to say that is my default; to go with the flow, but it takes a lot of practice, time and surrender. I’m a person who takes a while to figure out what to do (cue Kacey Musgraves “Slow Burn” song as the theme of my life). My default is to be anxious, overthink, wonder if I could possibly be making the right decision among so many choices and interests, and once having decided, perseverate over the decision, how it could have been handled differently or what could have been said alternately, and the “should have’s” creep in. Loudly!
My careers thus far have been Elementary Educator, Social Worker in the field of intellectual disabilities (ID), Intake Specialist turned Adult Protective Services (APS) investigator at the Department of Social and Health Services (DSHS) for people affected by ID and older adults who live in a licensed facility, Care Navigator at a Continued Care Retirement Community and a licensed caregiver sprinkled in over the years to supplement whatever meager social work income I had at the time. I am now an End-of-Life Educator/Doula in my late 40s, excited to have arrived at this place in my journey. I’ll tell you a bit of how this unfolded in case it can help others find a fulfilling, not necessarily mainstream “job.” How does one decide to become an End-of-Life Doula and what does one ‘dou’? (la- sorry I couldn’t resist!) I know this about myself- I like a challenge. I mean, who decides to be an APS investigator?
While working at APS and greatly burned out I might add, I had my own near-death experience in May of 2018, choking on a sea scallop during a several course dinner my chef-friend had made in Walla Walla at a rental house with friends. We were all seated at an outside table, and I walked away, which is often what someone who is choking will do, to withdraw themselves from “making a scene.” Fortunately, my husband Ken recognized something different about the expression on my face and was about 45-60 seconds behind me. When he caught up to me, I was in the kitchen attempting the Heimlich of which he took over and then I collapsed sending us both to the floor. He called our friends for help. The person who was there for the weekend that I knew the least and had travelled from Chicago as a friend of my friend, was a Physical Therapist, and most up-to-date on her CPR. She immediately started hands only CPR and helped take over the situation. The ambulance was re-routed from another previous caller to me and arrived within 4 minutes. They also had difficulty in clearing my airway and came close to doing a tracheostomy. All in all, it was maybe 8 or 9 minutes my airway was blocked. I was put into an induced coma for them to clear out my lungs fully, and two days later I walked out of the ICU with an over-the-counter acid reflux medication and an antibiotic to prevent pneumonia. I had no broken ribs, and no bruises. I also completely blacked out the situation which left me feeling like I didn’t experience what had happened. I had simply lost two days of my life and history. I relied on my friends and husband to fill in the gaps.
Mentally, it was much harder to recover from the incident than physically. I even questioned if it really was a near death experience, because I didn’t experience anything. It was a confusing time, but one thing became clear- it wasn’t worth it to be an APS Investigator any longer. I had new priorities. In fact, I could not imagine a career that involved doing social work at all. I left APS finally in September of 2018, taking a temporary part-time work from home job, and deciding to start a business. One of my colleagues at APS suggested I could make bank as a bar tender- uh, thanks. I also cashed out my retirement, got out of debt and decided to live on that. The business I started was called GOLD (Getting Outside Living Dreams) and the core of it was guiding hikes and backpack trips for people that were getting older and needing some assistance. I started out by interviewing seniors who were getting outside and what that meant to them. I enjoyed hearing their stories. I also spent time interviewing some of my family members who were deeply affected by suicide in their close circles. I have a family history of five people who had completed suicide (three of whom I never met because they died before I was born), and another focus with GOLD is that I wanted to focus hiking on loss and create a peer-to-peer network, connecting folks who had been there that could reach out to those newly being affected by suicide.
Spoiler alert: the business didn’t take off. I struggled with imposter syndrome and believed things like ‘I’m a terrible businessperson” and “I can’t figure out how to add content to this website” and a myriad of other things that I didn’t know how to do. I believed it all and started looking for a “real” job. I felt terrible though, having sent an email to close friends and family, telling them my mission, my new business and excitement I felt. I just want to insert here that it’s okay to start a business and no longer have it or to have not made money from it, or to feel failure. This was all important groundwork to who I am today. In fact, in my new role of Death Doula I can still do hikes for those with loss, suicide education, and that can even be senior focused. Sometimes you can be on the right track and course correct just a bit finding so much more than you could have first imagined!
I was depressed for a few months at this time in the beginning of 2019, of which self-care is the first to go. Without a set routine and my temporary job ending, I felt worthless. I would say in retrospect it was also the feeling of loss of identity. A friend said if I didn’t call the doctor, then she would call the doctor for me, and that changed things as I got started back on talk therapy and a different medication. In June of 2019, as I had been looking for a job, I came across an ad for Care Navigator at the retirement community. I won’t get into the details, but for the first time in 9 months I felt like I could be a social worker again, and that this job was MADE FOR ME. It was only 2 days a week which seemed like the perfect work-life balance, and opportunity for me to still do side jobs and chase the business dream. We all know what happened in 2020 and I became full-time 40 hours at the retirement community which was never the intention. It was a rocky time, but also in retrospect it was deeply meaningful, and I earned a lot of respect and trust from my colleagues and grew more bonded to some of the residents.
Time passed. In December of 2021 continuing full-time at the retirement place, there was starting to be an “ick” to the work. There were decisions being made by people much higher up, that didn’t sit right with the contract the residents had signed to have access to a full continuum of services. In one of the planning meetings, I remember saying that I would gladly step down if it meant that they needed to hire a nurse instead of my position as a social worker since they couldn’t afford both- if that was the best fit for the residents. I was advocating for this- for me to leave my job! Later, I was a bit shocked I had said that, but it made me start questioning that the job no longer felt authentic to me, and that I was supposed to do something else which I would figure out.
One day I was in a casual conversation with my direct boss Joy who as a side note was the best boss ever and always wanted her staff to succeed and have personal growth, and having “randomly” gotten on the topic of death, I blurted out that years previously I had started the 4-year program at Lake WA Tech in Funeral Director. I wanted to be a part of a changing system that traditionally meant older men in black suits. I didn’t follow through with it realizing my weekends would be full of funerals which didn’t really work with my new relationship that consisted of us hiking in the mountains every weekend. Joy said, have you heard of the author Caitlin Doughty? of which I had not. This led me to discover one of my favorite authors ever, and the first book I read in record time, “From Here to Eternity,” which details death practices around the world challenging the reader in death-care innovation. The two US practices that were highlighted in the book, were 1) body composting and 2) the only open-air pyre located in Crestone, CO. I immediately pictured Vikings, and was drawn in.
I learned that the Crestone End of Life Project (CEOLP) is behind this pyre and the work it took to bring this to their community. I looked up more info on Crestone, CO. It’s a tiny town of less than 200 at the base of the Sangre de Cristo mountains, 4 hours from Denver, contains dozens of spiritual interfaith centers, from Baptist, to Catholic, to Buddhist temples and stupas and ziggurats- oh my! With a forecast low of 5 degrees Fahrenheit but otherwise sunny days, I booked a flight to Denver and spent my long birthday weekend in January, in Crestone, naturally. The lady who ran the Air BnB from the second floor of her home is a Reiki/Ancient dance master and I booked a session with her. She told me about the energetic vortexes in the town and that based on my sign, the rest of January would be hard but in February things would start to change, and I’d find what I was looking for. I also discovered Joyful Journeys Hot Springs for Sunday yoga, brunch and soaking. I visited the pyre. What a lovely setting. It’s only for those who own property in that county, and community members volunteer taking part in the ceremonies based on their talents. A metal smith, for example, makes the plaques that have the names of the 75+ people whose bodies have been released there with DOB, DOD and a symbol that represents that person etched into the plaque. It’s a grassroots community effort. I connected with CEOLP and now “attend” some of their Zoom meetings to this day. I still had not heard of the term Death Doula at this point; I was simply curious and following the feeling. I did a lot of meditation and reading during this time. The day I flew into Denver, there was a quick little blizzard that kicked up, and I was driving a new to me Tacoma truck. I white knuckled it the entire way to Crestone, in the dark, and really was questioning my ‘crazy’ spontaneous decision to solo trip to the middle of nowhere, Colorado, in the middle of winter. It all worked out and was sunny the rest of the trip!
Another reason I was drawn in to end-of-life at this time was that my mom was diagnosed with a rare melanoma behind her eye in spring of 2021. Previously she had lymphoma in her leg but had been cancer free for 13 years. She was so much older now, I thought quietly to myself. I felt really, for the first time faced with losing her and was able to mentally go there feeling unprepared. It made me face my core values and beliefs, turn them inside out, and ultimately come to a place of healing and peace. I had this gut feeling that this cancer was the beginning of her end, and I was right, although she was able to get acute radiation and two more years of life, passing away in April of 2023. In February of 2023, when mom got the final diagnosis of melanoma of the liver, which spread from tiny cancer cells from the eye, she and I admitted to each other that we had both felt that when her eye melanoma was diagnosed, it was the beginning of her end. As we sat in the car after seeing her oncologist, she asked me how she was going to go inside and tell her husband/my father about her terminal diagnosis and limited options as she was in Stage IV. I told her I’d go with her, and I did.
A death doula is primarily about helping people through this critical time with emotional and physical supports and education about the dying process. My mom had up to that point not fully understood my choosing to become a doula, but this day it all made sense to her. I told her that I wasn’t planning on her to be my first client and we both let out a little laugh followed by somber air. There is so much more to say about the final journey with my mom. I will never get over the grief, but I was grateful to walk it with her and to help others, help her. Even though we planned, there were a thousand little things that happened that I learned from or didn’t go to plan which deepens my resolve in the death doula calling on my life. I am now able to love her and know her in ways that I didn’t when she was still here physically.
January 31, 2021 fresh off my whirlwind tour of Crestone, I was scrolling Facebook and an ad appeared for a Death Doula course through International Association of Professions Career College. I then Googled everything I could about this term Death Doula, and immediately signed up for it. It was a self-taught course that had access as soon as you bought it, but it still took me several months to start and then finish it. In the meantime, things got better at the retirement community as I felt more support in coaching our residents in available services. However, I knew that end-of-life work was right for me, and it was just a matter of time. But how? And what services would I offer? And how would I ask people to pay me when they are dying? I kept my curiosity about the topic, learning as much as I could and trying to figure out what this might mean for me. Having been raised in a Christian home and now being out of the church for several years, I also had some loose beliefs that I wanted to settle for me. I believed that the more I looked across religions, the more I found they had in common. Crestone intrigued me being such a small place with many religious belief systems and yet people seemed to dwell together in harmony and mutual respect. What did I believe about what happens when a person dies, and how much should it matter? I needed to discover this for myself before helping others. What I learned is that the journey is extremely personal and only you can walk your path. What you believe is right.
By 2022, I was starting to book some sessions in a private room at the library as a focused time to work my dreams. At my first session reading at the library and then coming home to some yellow tulips and purple iris’ on the table that had been there for a few days, the business name ‘Life’s Fleeting Nature’ was born on March 23, 2022. In future months I would challenge this name and try others on for size, but I kept coming back. Being that nature has always been grounding for me and teaches us repeatedly about life and death cycles, I couldn’t come up with anything more authentic. Life’s Fleeting Nature also reminds me of a favorite quote of my husband’s Uncle Paul. The author, Hunter S. Thompson writes, “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow! What a ride!’”
Three days after discovering the name, I went to an in-person Kula event called “Bold Enough to Begin- Living a Life without Disclaimers.” One of the things that stood out was that Anastasia talked about changing our narrative. Instead of saying “I’m stuck” we could change it to “Other people have been stuck and figured it out, and I can, too.” We were able to go around the room and say why we were there, and I announced to 25 people my new business name, and although I’m not sure what I said, there was a lot of excited energy behind it. The universe also had me ‘randomly’ sit next to a woman whose husband had quickly passed away just 3 months prior. Another woman in the circle had just lost one of her dear friends. I was able to listen to them 1:1 and hold space for their grief. It was an honor and an otherworldly feeling. I had an hour and a half drive home, and laughed and cried all the way, saying out loud to only my ears my journey up to that point.
I would continue to have opportunities to interact with others on the topic of death many times over, and my therapist Mari was quick to remind me that I was doing the work even though I wasn’t getting paid money for it. This notion really helped me when I could come down hard on myself for not figuring this out quickly enough, for not being brave enough to leave my full-time job and dive headfirst into doula work, for not following through. My boss Joy, knowing I had interest in end-of-life work, gave full blessing for me to do the bulk of that work with our residents, counseling families, palliative and hospice resources, and listening to and accommodating their wishes at the end. I was able to creatively use some of my hours for special events. I planned a National Advance Directives Day fair, providing resources to residents and connecting them further with End-of-Life WA representatives in helping get their affairs in order. I met residents who were also interested in end-of-life work, mainly through being previous hospice volunteers or grief peer support. I also had the amazing fortune to connect Recompose (recompose.life) to our community for a presentation in body composting and follow up with organizing tours at the facility. For the most part this was satisfying work. I had some residents that wanted more of it, and I proposed a part-time end of life role to my boss and up the chain. My boss was fully supportive, and her boss was too. I gave my soft notice and continued in Care Navigation with a special interest in End-of-Life work, while we hired someone to replace me. My first replacement quit after a month of training, and we started the process again. In January of 2024 after hiring again, I went back to Crestone, CO for a yoga retreat at Joyful Journeys Hot Springs, and to dive deeper into Crestone. This was an incredible trip that I will write more about at some point! Once back at work, I gave my notice to leave FT Care Navigation and accept their PT offer of End-of-Life Guide. I thought this was really the dream; get guaranteed pay of 10 hours a week and start my own business. It seemed less scary. I had made friendships and had ties in the community which were difficult to leave fully. I couldn’t really imagine leaving after being there for five years.
On a Friday in 2024, I was celebrating with my team at the retirement community that on Monday I was to start the End-of-Life Guide role. I made a small speech about how grateful I was to be able to create a space and go for my dreams and for others to do the same! I basked in the support of my tiny team for supporting my journey. I was given thoughtful gifts and cards. Friday afternoon before I went home, my new skip boss wrote me an email explaining that the End-of-Life role was not funded and therefore I could continue to be a part-time Care Navigator, or they would accept my resignation. I can say that I did not handle this well. In general, I don’t do well with sudden change. I had no answers for my colleagues and residents who were counting on EOL services. I felt betrayed in many ways. I had a visceral gut punch reaction, followed by a panic attack on the drive home. Joy and others stood up for me, but it was a done deal. I swallowed that extremely hard pill and ended up staying as 10 hours a week Care Navigator. I was able to work through the pains of that transition. I felt I owed it to myself to leave on my terms and to be able to have resolution with residents and staff members. Two amazing things resulted: 1) I did leave eventually and start my business. In fact, because I was no longer tethered to physically going in to work, Ken and I were able to make a dream move to Bellingham from the Seattle area to be closer to family! I never was able to see this as a possibility, but I am thrilled to be in a place that feels much more relaxed and open to possibilities, and 2) Before I left, I compiled an End-of-Life Guide for the retirement community’s library and then I presented this guide to our residents leaving them with resources they previously didn’t have. Over 130 residents came to the presentation, and it was standing room only! I was blown away by the interest and support. The best part was that I have always had a major fear of public speaking, but this time I was giddy after initial nerves. I knew the material, I believed in it, and was thrilled to get it to the masses and share part of my history with them. So much so, that now I am duplicating this guide, and it is one of my 4 creative pathways! Steve Jobs said, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.” What a gift it was to be told there was no End-of-Life role for me after all. Sometimes you just need to wait something out. Sometimes you need the literal push out of the bird’s nest to really soar.
One aspect of being a doula is that you can tailor your interests, skills and creativity. My dry erase board looks much different today than two years ago. I had more than a dozen different ideas initially and was more broadly focused. Today I have 4 main pathways of creative expression, but I’m open to the possibilities every day. I appreciate meaningful work that doesn’t have to fit a job description, that is limitless and that I get to direct my steps. We all have this potential. Stay curious!
The misnomer I get the most when people learn that I am an End-of-Life Doula is that they or their loved ones only need my services when near to death. I resonate with the Educator title most of all, and I’m here to tell you the planning is the secret sauce. It’s what helps people to digest the guarantee of dying one day. The questions that can be asked ahead of time, the knowledge of having a health advocate, the resources, the unique ways you can ‘dispose of’ your body to have a more natural, earth friendly last impression and so much more. Knowledge is power! My goal is to help people feel empowered, not afraid. I also find humor to be a helpful tool in end-of-life work.
Please check out my offerings at www.lifesfleetingnature.com and IG:@lifesfleetingnature. In addition to hands-on doula work closer to end-of-life, the 4 creative avenues are of 1) presenting a comprehensive End-of-Life Guide to Retirement communities as already mentioned, 2) leading mindful hikes to help process grief or loss of any kind called “Present Paths”, 3) gathering a community of likeminded individuals who want to connect over resources, trainings, and extra content- plus the added bonus of making natural connections with others where you may just find your future Healthcare advocate! It never worked out for me to have kids, and I know there are folks who may also not have kids, may not have other familial ties and could need to find a trustworthy person to advocate for them, and 4) creating an Advance Healthcare Directive called “Done in 1” for anyone 18 years old and older living in WA state! I realized there wasn’t a perfect one out there, so I created one!
“Done in 1” is an Advance Healthcare Directive that I help you complete in ONE hour. I knew that getting people to complete their Advance Healthcare Directive is a tall order for the following reasons: 1) no one wants to face being in a situation where they cannot speak for themselves and need an advocate, 2) the documents available are often too lax of information or too complicated, 3) you feel overwhelmed with the amount of time and effort it will take to research this on your own, gather documents, and follow through. You imagine it will take hours and a lawyer will definitely need to be involved, and 4) As my younger sister likes to say, “I’m too young for that.” I will add that with my near-death experience at 41 years of age, on paper my parents were my health advocates even though I was newly married. I mentioned being temporarily placed in a coma but had my situation been worse, I fully believe my parents would not have been able to take me off a ventilator and that my situation could have easily been another Terri Schiavo case between my parents and husband (Google her name and 1998). I know that every person over the age of 18 needs this, if they want the opportunity to plan. It can save your family so much guilt when instructions are in writing. I offer 1:1 support, accountability to complete it, follow through with how to implement it, and education of terms. There is also a page where you get to personalize how you’d like to be remembered after death, who to contact, and other details.
Oddly, death work has been one of the gifts to help my life-long depression. When I can focus on the fact that we only have this precious amount of time left, the most important rises to the surface. How and where do I want to spend my time? Who do I want to reach out to? How can I bring more joy and hope to others?
There were many other steps along the way. I suddenly feel like I’m at the point in a book when the author needs to start thanking everyone for making it possible. Anastasia was a part of this journey from the Stuck to Summit class in 2018 after my near-death experience, to the community Dance Experiment she has built, and I’ve been a privilege to be a part of for the past 2 ¾ years. I struggle with early mornings, but having a dance and meditation practice has often changed my perspective, given me a community, and supported me when my dog went missing (he came back!) and my mom died. Mari, my hypnotherapist whom I’ve never met in person, but who has helped guide my inner voice since I started working with her in 2022. I can’t say enough good about her, and she offers one free session, so message me if you want her info; she only does word of mouth referrals! My husband, who grinds away at a tech job, and whose own complicated relationship with death opened a new conversation forward with us, and who has been at my side when he didn’t yet “get” my vision. Honorable mentions: numerous friends and family who listened to me entertain ideas I had even when I was lacking the words. My new clients who see and support the work, who are brave enough to do the work.
I want to give a tremendous thank you to Beck Littlefield for sharing her story with all of us this week! If you want to share your story as a part of The Kula Diaries Friends, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me directly at anastasia@kulacloth.com.
I am so grateful for all of the beautiful humans that have found their way into my life in the past 6 years and I’m truly and deeply grateful for my friendship with Beck. I am sending you all so much love today — and all days.
Such a beautiful telling of your story. It is a true privilege to watch you grow and share your knowledge and compassion with others.