It's been one year...
Reflections on a full year of writing The Kula Diaries.
Dear Kula Diaries,
One year ago on May 28th, I published my first post in this space — with absolutely no clue how it was going to work out.
This is how it started…
Hello! I’m Anastasia. I’m the founder of a company called Kula Cloth, and a few other things that involve motorcycles and dancing. But it wasn’t always that way. Less than a decade ago, you wouldn’t haven’t known me - because I was a miserable, complaining Railroad Police officer who felt very, VERY stuck.
A little over 6 years ago now, I had a near death experience that changed my life forever. In a split second, I saw the everythingness of everything - and realized that every fear I ever had about what I wanted to create with my life had been manufactured by…. ME. I decided to change that. On July 28th of 2017, I left my job as a Railroad Police officer and I told everybody that I was starting a career in the, ‘outdoor industry’. This was code for, “I don’t have an F#*ING CLUE what I’m about to do.”
When I left my job, I took a giant step into a place that feels horrifying to most people - a place called ‘The Great Unknown’. I had no solid plan, and leaving my job went against absolutely everything that I had been ever taught about needing to have a ‘stable job’ and paycheck. I still remember sending the e-mail to my boss on the day that I gave my notice… every single cell in my body was screaming ‘NOOOOOO!!!’… but my heart was very clearly saying, ‘YES’.
On that day, I sidestepped every what-if that I had ever allowed to get in my way, and I walked into the unknown, which is a magical place where anything and everything is possible. The day that you stop pressing the ‘repeat’ button on where you are … is the day that you begin to create the things that you want to create. I believed this very much on that day, and I believe it now - and I hope that my story can be proof of this process for you.
Ok, so back to some new words for today…
I’m going to start by sharing a short video that I recorded this week for all of you — because I genuinely felt like it was important to express my gratitude in a way that you could see and feel. Note: anybody who knows me, will know that I cry when I talk sometimes. It’s not from sadness… it’s just an overabundance of joy and gratitude.
Last weekend, on a flight to Texas to visit a friend… and with handwriting so horrendous that I could barely decipher it, I decided to try and reflect on what this last year of writing has meant to me. This is what I wrote:
One year ago, I started writing the Kula Diaries with no particular expectation. I just wanted to see what happened. Over the last 52 weeks, I have written 2 posts per week: one main, ‘weekly’ post on Sundays and an AMA (ask me anything) on Wednesdays. I cannot begin to quantify the amount of time I have spent writing — or the fun I have had doing it.
Last year presented me with some interesting experiences and challenges for Kula and I never waivered in my commitment to sitting down each week and writing. In fact, I believe that some weeks, it was the act of writing that reaffirmed my commitment to ‘all of this’ — the process of creating and my unshakeable belief that things were happening for me and were working out for me, even if I couldn’t see it at all times.
I had no idea what to expect when I started writing. I think I envisioned a place where my creativity could flourish alongside my deep desire to uplift others. I never imagined that I’d be writing fiction… or solving mysteries… or breaking up with my cell phone and writing about it.
This past year has felt all over the place for me. Sometimes, it feels like I’m moving at the speed of light. At other times, I’ve felt like I was getting sucked into quicksand. There were also a few moments where I felt like I was living in the twilight zone. We moved Kula Cloth out of my home office and into a real building of its own… and my husband started working for Kula too. I launched my very tiny motorcycle apparel company called Milk Run Moto, and I recently started upcycling watches into art for a long-term project that I’ve confusingly called POM Pizza. There have been moments when I have felt like I’m not doing ‘enough’ — and then there are moments when I feel like I’m barely able to keep my head above water. And, somewhere in the middle, I find time to go on a Lighthouse Quest and bake excessive amounts of blondies and make pizza and cookies every week. I have re-dedicated myself to my meditation practice, and I recently decided to stop trying so hard, which is sometimes easier said than done (for a recovering try-harder).
The Kula Diaries exist because I realized one year ago that I was pushing off who I wanted to be — or rather, who I am. Enveloped in a sense of busy-ness, I told myself that I didn’t have time for the things that I loved to do — and that if I wasn’t working hard or trying hard all the time, that I’d probably fail. On some level, I knew that the very act of pushing my life off into an imagined future where things were ‘perfect’ was unintentionally holding me back from ever realizing it. I looked deeply at myself, and knew that I was the only one who held the key to the door that already contained everything. I decided to unlock it. I decided to try less and dance more. I decided to write about things I love. I decided to have more fun. I decided to feel good and make that my marker of success — not random numbers that ultimately meant nothing.
Opening that door was scary at first, because letting go feels like you aren’t ‘doing anything’ and that in some way, you’ll fall behind. There were moments of anxiety and fear as I stopped trying… but in the moments where I could allow myself to relax… there was peace. Every single week — no matter how challenging or chaotic things felt to me — I sat down to write. And each week, I had the absolute privilege of being able to share those words and thoughts with you. Sometimes they were scattered ideas… other times, I knew exactly what to say. I never really had a ‘plan’ for The Kula Diaries — but, in some way, I felt like it was important for me to do.
What started as the wish of a somewhat burned out entrepreneur … has morphed into a new way of being in the world that sometimes feels contrary to what I ‘think’ I should do, but always feels like how I know in my heart I should be. I’m still standing in the doorway holding the key, because life is forever evolving into something more and something new. The best version of me is relaxed and at ease and lives in full trust that the only thing she needs to do is focus on how she feels. And so, I walk. I dance. I meditate. I write. I lay down on the earth and look at the sky. I allow the universe to nudge me on a loving path — back towards myself.
Over the past year I have also hosted monthly events — three or four each month — for subscribers of the Kula Diaries. The time that I have been able to spend with all of you… the moments that we’ve shared in laughter or in tears are moments that I genuinely cherish. I know that the folks who come to our small, virtual events will (hopefully) agree: we have supported and uplifted each other through the ups and downs of life over this past year. While I might be the facilitator for these events — I know and feel that I receive just as much from participating in them, because they are a true collaboration of the people that arrive. Each and every single person has something important to bring and contribute, and it is not me, but the combination of us that makes these events so special. They always feel like a great reminder — a coming back to what I know, even if I sometimes find myself getting ‘distracted’ from the truth that I feel about the world.
Most importantly, I wanted to write the Kula Diaries for you. I was once a very lost person — and maybe, sometimes, I still am. But, I’ve gotten better at finding my way and I have a deeply profound belief that there is nothing more important than sharing that knowing and that story with others. We are all in ‘this’ (whatever it is) together. We are all so much a part of the story of the universe that we can’t possibly fathom our role in the unfolding of life — and sometimes it feels like we get so lost in the minutia of what we are told is important, that we lose sight of what really matters. About 7 years ago, I had a glimpse into a place that most people don’t get to return from. I was given the gift of seeing the miracle that I often took for granted — the miracle of my life… and of all life. I was given the gift of seeing the way in which so many absolutely meaningless distractions threaten to pull us away from experiencing the greatest gift that this universe has to offer: unconditional love. Most humans are so lost in their minds that they have no idea that something exists beyond the scary world that they have created. They don’t know that there is so much more than the tired stories that they have told themselves over and over… and that, truly, all things are possible.
I have tried to be honest and vulnerable with all of you over the past year. Prior to writing The Kula Diaries, I had never once shared about the experience of my divorce many years ago — I had kept it hidden in the closet, like a guarded secret — deeply fearful that knowing the ‘truth’ about me would, in some way, tarnish the lacquer that I had so carefully applied to my perpetually upbeat life. I have shared things about my relationship with my husband Aaron… and the struggles that I’ve faced as a business owner, who is still very much in the process of, ‘figuring it all out’. From the outside looking in, I probably appear to have it ‘all together’, but I can assure you that I do not… and that I am walking this trail not in front of any of you… but rather, right beside you.
When I was in the early stages of Kula, I had another one of my strange visions during a meditation. I saw a swirling vortex of people and energy — and I saw people reaching down to help pull me up when I was struggling… and then I saw myself doing the same… reaching down and helping others. This cycle repeated endlessly — each of us stepping in and stepping up and uplifting each other again and again. Sometimes people would stumble, but others would jump in and lift them up… and then they would also extend a hand to the next… and the next… and the next. We are all the uplifters. We are all the stumblers. We are all the multitude of everything — but I do absolutely believe that, together, we have the ability to create and cultivate something powerful and important. Amidst the constant ebb and flow of life, I saw that even in the moments where it didn’t feel like it… it was always moving forward. It was always expanding. It was always reaching out a hand.
The Kula Diaries, for me, is a way to reach out a hand. If you’ve been here for the past year … or even just for the past day … I hope that in some small way, it’s given you a tiny bit of hope when you’ve needed it… or made you laugh on a tough day… or helped you see a brighter glimmer of how truly miraculous you are. I want to deeply and genuinely thank all of you for being here and for reading the things that I write about and for also extending a hand to me when I’ve needed it — whether you know that you’ve done that or not. In some of my most challenging moments this past year, it was the promise of you and your openness to listen that reached out to me and encouraged me to keep going. So, I want to thank you — from the bottom of my heart — for that.
I’m not planning to stop writing The Kula Diaries anytime soon. When I close my eyes and when I think about the best version of who I want to be — it includes this. It includes sharing words and ideas and being a tiny beacon of love. It includes dancing with you… and talking about things that matter… and sharing recipes and anything else that feels good. I hope that you will choose to come along for another year — I have no idea what to expect, but do you know what I’ve learned? I don’t need to know.
Let’s just see what happens.
Friends — thank you so much for being here for the past year. What started as a tiny little newsletter has grown organically into a few thousand subscribers. I will continue to show up each week and share words from my heart, and I’m deeply grateful that you are choosing to be here with me.
I am wishing you all so much ease, peace and joy. You are loved, friends.
It took me by surprise that it’s been a year! That may have more to do with my perception of time, as it seems to be slipping by very quickly, as opposed to the reality of all the love and thoughtfulness you put into every post. It has been a joy for me to read every single one. That isn’t completely due to our shared biology either! My joy originates from watching another human grow and evolve into who they always were-and recognize it-it really does make life joyful. I can’t wait for another year…but let’s slow it down a bit.
[Face Holding Back Tears Emoji]
Glad to hear you plan to write into next year - I’ll be reading!! I’m commemorating a bit of a strange anniversary this week (more on that in my Out There episode) so it was nice to read your reflections from a year of writing.
I’m thinking about my favorite response to questions I’ve submitted… might it be Shroud of Urine?!