AMA with AMA: How do I handle negative feedback?
What to do when the good thing you created doesn't feel 'good'.
Dear AMA:
I’m about to release a project I’ve been working on, but I’m really nervous about receiving negative feedback about it. How did/do you handle negative feedback about your product? Any advice for somebody who is anxious about what others might think?
Note: this post is probably too long to be read in e-mail format… so if you want to read the whole thing, just listen to the voiceover and/or make sure to click ‘read more’ at the bottom!
First off - CONGRATULATIONS if you are thinking about… in the process of… or about to release one of your creations into the world. As somebody who has brought a creation from its conception as an idea to a real, tangible ‘thing’ that people can hold and see… I know what you have been through at every step of the process. When I was in the creation process for Kula Cloth it was… in a word… intense. There were many nights when I lost sleep… many days that I spent lying on the ground crying… and a few times where I actually hid in a closet to cry because I felt so wracked with guilt that I had left my job to create a product that was designed to absorb urine. The mind is absolutely fantastic at telling us all of the things that we need to be really worried about at all times.
When I look at a creation (this doesn’t have to be a product - it could be a book, a song, art, a new job, etc…), I don’t just see the physical outcome anymore. As somebody who has walked that path - I see the path. I know the struggle, the joy, the defeat, the exhilaration, the confusion and the battle that you had to pick (with yourself) in order to circumvent all of the seemingly impossible challenges to make something come to life.
When you are somebody like me, who has put everything into the creation of a product… it’s pretty understandable that you take that creation personally. And so, putting something out there for the first time feels like a lot more than just saying, “Hey folks, check out this thing I’ve been working on.” In fact, it feels more like, “Hey folks, I’m pretty sure I sliced out a piece of my heart in order to create this thing… in fact, I actually feel like this thing I made is a piece of who I am… I know it’s for urine… so maybe that’s weird… but it’s more than that - it represents me finally saying yes to myself after decades of saying no. It represents me believing in myself and loving myself. It represents me discovering what truly matters. It represents me throwing out the rules and deciding to live my life without boundaries.” So, yah… when you open social media on day 2 of launch day, and somebody has commented, “This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Nobody will ever buy this. Gross.”… it hurts.
On the day that I launched Kula Cloth, I was physically ill. I still remember sitting in my guest bedroom when I made my website ‘live’. Of course, the funny thing (in retrospect) is that I had a very small audience and literally nobody knew that the website was live. It was not there… and suddenly it was. That was it - no fanfare, nothing. I posted about it on my personal Facebook page - and pre-orders for the product started trickling in and I felt really validated: Wow! People totally get it! Everybody is going to love my product!
Well, that is until somebody shared my website into a very large hiking Facebook group… and the trolls appeared. I remember scrolling through that post in tears… sobbing to myself that I had made a huge mistake. Comments like, “This is dumb”, or “What an idiot”, or “Stupidest thing ever”, or “Gross,” or “Anybody who uses this is a moron”, sunk deep into my heart like little knives - piercing the excitement of watching something come to life. I started to question whether or not I had just wasted the last 6 months of my life trying to create a product that, apparently, nobody wanted. The first few times that this happened, my initial thought was, “DON’T THEY KNOW HOW MUCH WENT INTO THIS PRODUCT? DON’T THEY KNOW THAT I HAVE PUT EVERYTHING ON THE LINE TO MAKE THIS?” And guess what? They don’t know - how could they? At first, I became defensive when people told me that they hated the product - but eventually, I realized a couple of things:
They are allowed to dislike my product.
What they are saying about my specific product/creation has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the lens that they are looking through.
Amidst all the haters, the feeling in my heart told me to continue - because there were glimmers of goodness. It was really easy to look at the naysayers, because when they talk, it always seems like it’s really loud. It’s a familiar voice that we can probably all pinpoint from some period in our lives: You’re a disappointment. You didn’t do a good enough job. You need to work harder. That won’t work.
Friends, that voice is not true. It is a real voice, but it is not true. As I continued with the launch of Kula Cloth - I decided to implement a few ‘rules’ for myself within the first few weeks:
Suddenly, I felt a sense of freedom in what I was doing. It didn’t matter if people didn’t like Kula Cloth - because if I didn’t even know that they didn’t like it… how could that possibly affect me? Let me see if I can illustrate this clearly:
Imagine that you are having a beautiful day and you are feeling on top of the world - you are watching your product come to life and things are fantastic and you’re in the creative flow. Now imagine that you decide to check in on social media and you happen to see a post entitled, “The dumbest thing I’ve ever seen”… and — gasp — it’s about your creation. You read the post, against your better judgement, and you instantly feel like crap. You start winding yourself into a spiral of thoughts about everything you put into the creation of your ‘thing’ - while simultaneously creating imaginary arguments with ‘these people’ that you don’t even know - in fact, ‘these people’ aren’t even sitting in front of you… they are just, ‘some people on the internet’ who you’ve literally never met.
Now, let’s ask this question: In the minute before you saw that social media post… and in the minute afterwards… what changed about you? What changed about your creation? Has anything been actually, significantly and/or physically altered in this specific moment of your life? The answer to that, my friends is: no. What is your current life situation and how has it changed from one minute ago? Well… one minute ago, you were sitting at a computer desk, breathing and observing something. Now… you’re still in the exact same place… still breathing… and still sitting. Except… you feel terrible. Did somebody jump out from underneath the couch and hit you on the head? Did somebody teleport into your office and start screaming at you? Nope. The only thing that has changed are your thoughts about something you read, which resulted in the creation of an imaginary argument and/or defensiveness against people who are not even in the room. This is the bitter part of this pill to swallow: The pain that you feel is not coming from the people who gave you criticism. The pain is coming from your thoughts about the situation. Nothing has intrinsically changed in that moment about you, your creation/product, or anything of value. The only thing that changed was your thoughts.
When we can swallow the bitter pill of the suffering that we create in our own minds - we set ourselves free. This is not about letting people walk all over us. This is about taking back our power as a creator to shine brightly in this world as a force to be reckoned with. This isn’t about saying, “It’s OK for you to call me an idiot”… it’s about saying, “I’m so far beyond the tiny things that you say that I’m going to share my heart with the world because that is so much more important than trying to prove to some rando that I’m right.”
Keep in mind: the words might hurt at first - and sometimes they still hurt me. The first few times I got ‘hater mail’, I felt pretty ill. I still remember my heart pounding when I read my first ‘hater e-mail’. I was in an AirBNB in Idaho about to go backpacking, and this e-mail popped into my inbox and the pit in my stomach made it nearly impossible for me to eat dinner:
As I read that e-mail, my initial gut reaction was to respond back with something like this:
To be honest, sending that response would have felt so good. It would have felt like verbal junk food: a big, gooey cinnamon bun of a message, slathered with popcorn butter and served with a gallon of ice cream. I wanted to send him a shitty message back for how shitty he made made me feel. But I didn’t. What did I do? Honestly, I laid on the bed in my AirBNB in a ‘snow angel’ pose and closed my eyes. I breathed deeply and allowed myself to feel really shitty… and physically ill… and upset. And as I laid there trying to think about what to say back to this man so that the could understand why my product wasn’t a terrible invention, a little thought crept into my brain… He doesn’t have to like it. Wait… what?! You mean, I don’t have to explain anything to him? It was like the cosmos itself opened up and I suddenly felt a strange sense of love and compassion for this random human who had written to me: I could see and sense something beyond his (downright mean) words: something that existed underneath his frail, outer shell that was apparently so frail that it had been cracked by the existence of a pee cloth. I knew exactly what to say, so I wrote back to him:
I pressed ‘send’ on the e-mail - and I felt my heart lighten: It was OK that this person hated my product. It had absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with the lens through which he was looking at the world. In that moment, I was able to see beyond the ego - and into the heart of who was really there. It didn’t mean that I was ‘OK’ with his mean words - it meant that I went beyond his mean words - to a place where forgiveness and love were possible… not for him, but for me. Marian Williamson writes a lot about forgiveness in her profound book A Return to Love, and one of my favorite lines from that book is, “Would you rather be happy or right?” Forgiveness is not about letting people, ‘do mean things to you’. Forgiveness is about you. It is about prioritizing the energy in your own heart to radiate love and to feel peace - it is the process of looking through the veil of the story and seeing something much deeper.
Side note: George wrote back to me and apologized.
The egg metaphor.
As you begin to release your creations into the world - start to think of every other human on this planet as an egg. I use the metaphor of the egg for two reasons - first, it makes sense because eggs have a tangible outer shell … and secondly, the word ‘egg’ is a subtle hint at what I’m really talking about… which is the word, ‘ego’. This ‘ego’ that I’m referring to is not the ego that says that you should really attempt to jump your mountain bike over two length-wise stationary trucks while blindfolded (seriously, don’t do that). This is the ego - or the false self - that each of us has created since we learned the word, ‘mine’ as babies. It is the sense of self that says, “I am here and you are there… and we are different.” It is the false self that feels threatened when somebody else thinks differently than you do. It is the ‘little me’ who needs to be right and make sure that I show why everybody else is ‘wrong’. It is the ideology-based self that is identified with all of the ‘things’ that make us who we are. And, in its desperate grasp to hold onto a sense of self - the ego actually denies us a glimpse into who we truly are.
As you look at your own behavior and as you observe the behavior of others, think of each human like this:
Each of us has a different lens through which we look at the world… our lens is our ‘experiential fingerprint’, so to speak and how we react to situations, circumstances and experiences depends on the specific shell that we’ve (unconsciously) constructed throughout our lives. The biggest gift that you can give another human is to look through their shell and see beyond it. The biggest gift you can give yourself is to let go of your shell.
Focusing forward on what you want
We will talk about this more specifically in a couple of weeks, and I’ve already mentioned it before… but the more that we focus on what we don’t want… the more we find and create it. Which means: if you focus on the haters… guess what? You had better be prepared for a lot more haters to arrive. It’s not your fault that they are there… because they are probably going to be there regardless of what you do… but the more and more you notice them, the more that your very strong signal is saying, “Show me more of them!”. And, the universe, in its infinite abundance says, “Here ya go!”
This is very, very cool - because it means that while we can easily create our own personal hoard of haters… we can also create a gaggle of supporters and uplifters too. When I started Kula, I did notice the haters… and guess what? I still do. They are hard not to notice. But you know what I really try to do? I try to slather myself in the uplifters. If somebody shares a kind testimonial, a supportive word of encouragement, or a compliment - I intentionally notice it and take time to be fully present to experience that feeling. I allow myself to enjoy the feeling of it - while simultaneously recognizing that the feeling I’m enjoying is not actually coming from somewhere outside of me. Similar to the negative feelings that were generated when I read a mean-spirited internet post… these positive and cozy feelings are also coming from within me. I am the source of how I feel - and while it’s helpful to receive a kind word or a compliment in order to feel good - above all things, we must know that the source of our love comes from a very deep place that is not attached to comments about how much somebody likes the pee cloth you made. While I love and hold those comments near and dear to my heart - I have to expand beyond the point where I need them in order to feel good about who I am and what I’m creating.
As you approach the creation of your product, similarly to the way that I’ve encouraged you to create a vision for what you want to create in life…. you can create a vision for how you want your product launch to go! Write out your vision and make it as detailed as possible. How does it feel? How do you feel? What does it look like to see your art/book/product/blog/new career coming to life? Cut out photographs that represent all of the really amazing stuff that is going to happen in your life. If you are launching a product - take your product to the stores that you want to see it in - and photograph it there (I did this with REI, by the way!). If you’re writing a book or creating art - envision your first book signing event, filled with supportive people… or your first gallery show. See it in your mind and make it feel as real as possible. Here are a few prompts:
describe your ideal outcome and the apex of your success with your product, creation or idea
how do you feel as you experience this moment?
describe all of the people who love and uplift what you are doing - can you see them looking at your art… or reading your book… or using your product? How do they feel and act?
Get creative and make this process as fun and as real as possible!
It’s different when you know them
We’ve already talked a little bit about handling close family and friends, but this does warrant another mention. It is often easier to handle ‘negative’ feedback from strangers than it is from family and friends - because it’s just more personal. Now, this isn’t always the case - but typically, an unsupportive close friend or family member is going to be more of a stinger than an unsupportive random internet troll. Imagine if a random stranger walked up to you on the street right now and said, “I don’t like you!” Well, you’d probably be a bit weirded out - but would you really care if that person didn’t like you? Probably not. Now, if somebody that you really cared about showed up and said, “I hate this thing you did,”… ouch. It sometimes hurts a bit more.
Just remember - whether you know a person well or don’t know them at all - the same principals hold true: how they see the world is more about their lens than it is about you. They are allowed to dislike or disagree with what you are doing, and that is not your responsibility. You don’t need to change what you are doing in order to please them.
When I was a kid, somebody once asked me what my greatest fear was, and I am embarrassed to admit that I said, “Disappointing my father.” Wow. Imagine living under that burden for your entire life! I did almost everything to try and make my dad happy and proud of me - and you know what? It never worked. I never got the approval that I was looking for, because trying to find approval from others is inconsistent, at best. My dad was unsupportive when I left my job - but I had enough awareness at that time to know (and soothe myself) that his disapproval was about his fears, not about mine. In fact, they were more about his love for me than anything else. The funny thing is… he’s now ‘mostly proud’ (his words, not mine lol) of me… but it doesn’t even matter. What matters is that I’m able to look beyond the shell of the experiences that have created his lens - and see what lies deep within: I know and can feel the love that connects us, and if I am present to that, then I can cultivate a meaningful relationship with him that isn’t based on needing anything at all. ‘Namaste’, as they say at the end of many meditations, means, quite simply, ‘The light in me honors the light in you.’
The rollercoaster
As you start to vulnerably share your heart with others through whatever you are bringing into the world - it might be messy at first - and that’s OK. It might be a mix of bad reviews… amazing reviews… and you might feel like you are on a roller coaster at times. This is when having a solid foundation becomes important. It’s easy to want to try to change everybody’s opinion - but you can’t, and you won’t. And, really, it would be very, VERY boring if every person on this earth thought exactly the same way. As people share their thoughts and feelings with you — through their unique lens — try to look through the shell of the egg to see something deeper within them. Acknowledge that what they are feeling has everything to do with them and not much to do with you. Come back to your ‘tool kit’ as you navigate your path: meditation, gratitude, appreciation, dancing, being creative, spending time outside… these things will remind you of your eternal connection to what is important to you. As you come back to this foundation, over and over again, you will be able to experience the absolute freedom that comes with being able to hear something difficult, and simultaneously being able to let it go.
Here are a few phrases that have been really helpful to me when I’ve had to respond back to people who have (loudly) criticized or commented on my work or my product:
If it serves you to continue hating XYZ, then I would never encourage you to stop.
I would never try to convince you to like XYZ. I completely respect your decision to not like it and I wish you nothing but peace, happiness and ease in your life.
I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I wish you peace, ease and wellness.
And, finally, you don’t have to respond. Your creation comes from you - and that’s it. It is your gift to the world. You don’t owe anybody else an explanation. How somebody else reacts to your work or your product is their responsibility, not yours.
There is a beautiful quote in the Zen tradition that says, “Put aside the intellectual practice of investigating words and chasing phrases, and learn to take the backward step that turns the light and shines it inward.”
I would love to reframe the idea that feedback on what you are doing is either negative or positive - because even that opinion is shaped by the lens of the recipient of that feedback. For one person, being told, ‘This is the dumbest thing ever’ might actually be really good feedback that helps them to recognize an obvious oversight in their idea. For another person, it might be deeply wounding and triggering on a profound level. Feedback is just feedback… and when we hear things that hurt us in some way - those things are often revealing to us some of the more tender places in our own heart: places where we have unhealed wounds… places where we feel slightly less than whole inside. As I have walked into the ‘fire’ of criticism and internet trolls, I’ve learned that my attention does not need to be on changing them… my attention simply must be placed on healing my own heart. Each time I am met with somebody who doesn’t understand or like what I’m doing - it’s an opportunity for me to look deep within and see what’s hurting… and to gently hold a place that has needed it for a long time.
A final word…
I am not immune from feeling hurt. I don’t want to give the impression that I am sitting over here in Kula land with some sort of light saber that magically swats away ‘negative vibes’. I am a very real, very sensitive human with very real feelings and sometimes I do still take things personally… after all, I’m human - not a bot.
In closing, a few weeks ago, I posted a story to my Instagram about how I ‘accidentally’ moved to Washington State to become a Park Ranger. What I thought was an endearing story was seen by many, MANY other people who called me everything from ‘idiot’ to being responsible for, ‘the decline in Seattle’. I wrote this little poem to share with the internet trolls, and I hope that it helps anybody who is experiencing feedback that is hard to hear:
Oh internet trolls I beseech thee, o' friends Please listen to this poem From beginning to end You watched a video Where I admitted a mistake I didn't know Mount Vernon Was a town in Washington State Instead, I thought it Was George Washington's home you see So I thought Mt. Vernon Was near Washington DC But I was wrong It was an easy oversight I thought others would laugh And relate to my plight But some folks decided That it would be fun Instead to tell me That I was quite dumb She's a product of the 'American education system' Her ignorance is a disgrace She didn't pay attention in geography What a sorry waste of space I won't stoop to name calling because I know this to be true Whatever you say to another You also say back to you We're all simply out here Trying our best to survive We're muddling through life Just hoping to thrive And somewhere along the way We're all going to fail It's a part of the process Of walking this trail And so isn't it rather Our job to uplift? To cheer each other on To remember the gift? That we have each new day Another chance to find A way to be loving A way to be kind So next time before You write that next snark Ask yourself if That's the type of remark You'd want to receive From another human today It doesn't matter if you know them Is it what you should say? Or maybe simply whisper With a voice as light as a feather I see you my friend And we're better together.
Friends, wherever you are right now - please know that you are loved very much. We probably don’t agree on everything - and I think that’s great - but there is something beyond words that connects us, and when we can focus on that, we create something greater. In fact, our creations become more filled with life when we make the point of them not to, ‘get everybody on our side’ - but rather, to use our creations to bridge the gap of our differences and to acknowledge the beingness of everybody, whether they like what we are doing or not. It is only through cultivating love in all moments that we truly create what matters.
I am sending you all a wish for infinite peace, ease and wellness. If you’d like to submit a comment or question for our next AMA - you may do so anonymously at this link or e-mail me directly at anastasia@kulacloth.com.
Until next time - be well, friends!
Love,
Anastasia