AMA with AMA: Answering YOUR questions!

How do I feel abundant if I can't hike? + Just Horsin' Around!

Dear Kula Diaries,

Welcome to the day of the week when I answer your questions! If you have a question you’d like to submit for a future AMA, you can do that anonymously right here. By the way — there are some REALLY fun and amazing questions in the Kula Diaries Vault right now, and if I could completely ignore all of my ‘normal’ responsibilities and just sit and answer questions all day… I would. Please know that I read everything that comes in, and I’m slowly ‘chipping away’ at answering questions… so thank you for submitting them!

Today I have two questions that were seemingly unrelated to each other — one about finding the feeling of abundance when you are facing the possibility of losing the thing that makes you feel abundant… and a second question about horses. And yet, as I wrote the answers — it gave me the chance to reflect back on a time in my life when riding horses was very important to me… and it reminded me that if somebody had taken away my ability to ride back then… I would have been devastated.

Life can be challenging… a topsy turvy experience of floating through a cosmic sea of confusing situations… and the things that we love to do — like hiking or horseback riding — are little touchstones… reminding us that there is something beyond who we think we are. I know that’s why we get called back to these things over and over again… and I also know that they are teaching us something much more important than how to pack a backpack or how to saddle a horse. Ultimately, the things that we love the most are reflecting back the love that already exists within each of us — and hopefully, once we get a glimpse of that love, we can bring it to others.

As always, please remember that I am not a therapist. These are my words, opinions, and advice. Please use curiosity while reading them and take what works for you, and feel free to ditch anything that doesn’t. Above all things — trust yourself more than anybody else (including me).

Ok, let’s get to the questions!

Dear AMA,

What if the kind of abundance I want to attract feels like it might no longer be possible due to chronic health issues? I worry about getting my hopes up (re: hiking and other activities) only to have a crushing realization later.

-Sitting and waiting

Dear Sitting and Waiting,

First off - I want to extend my love and compassion to you as you navigate your health issues. While I don’t have chronic illness — I have had health-related incidents that have ‘threatened’ my ability to hike and climb… so I can understand that you might be experiencing a myriad of emotions about this subject.

Secondly — I wouldn’t ask you to simply, ‘feel abundant’ from where you are right now — because that might not be a feeling that is accessible to you from a place of worrying about something that is serious. Based on your question — it seems like you are already struggling with fear about the potential of losing the ability to hike — so trying to force yourself to ‘think differently’ about that subject is going to likely cause more stress.

When you think about hiking — why is it that you enjoy hiking? What feeling do you get when you hike? My best guess is that you probably experience a sense of freedom… belongness… and wholeness when you are spending time outside in nature. Keep in mind that these feelings — and the feeling of abundance — are completely independent of hiking. I know that it can be challenging to detach an activity from a feeling — but, for the purpose of helping you make this shift… it’s important to realize that hiking does not create abundance. When you hike… it is not the hike itself that you are after… it is the feeling that the hiking generates that you are seeking. So, it’s very important for you to identify what this feeling is — because it is entirely possible to attract this feeling without attaching it to a specific activity… and that is the best place to start.

When I hiked in order to ‘get’ happy… guess what? I was never happy. I was hiking all the time and I was the most miserable that I have ever been in my life. Now, I ‘tricked myself’ into thinking that I was happy when I was hiking… but the truth was that I temporarily dulled my thoughts while I was hiking… and as soon as I wasn’t hiking… I was back to being miserable. Hiking became an unhealthy form of escapism, and if I wasn’t able to hike — I had severe anxiety and panic attacks because I thought I ‘needed’ it in order to feel the things that I wanted to feel. I had no idea that I could feel the things I wanted to feel… anytime that I wanted to feel them.

It sounds like you have specifically connected abundance with hiking — which means that you are energetically stating, “The abundance that I want is in the form of hiking, and if I don’t get it, I won’t feel abundant.” Now, obviously this is a very crude paraphrasing of your words that I’m stating a bit more dramatically — but I’m doing that out of love… because I want you to very clearly see that you have a bit of a ‘tug of war’ going on within yourself. This tug of war is causing you to feel a bit of turmoil — it’s uncomfortable and scary and decidedly not abundant. It would be like me saying, “I want a bunch of money and I won’t feel abundant if I don’t get it.” The ‘not getting it’ fear within my own focus and energy is actually holding me back from allowing more abundance to flow to me in surprising and delightful ways.

So, how can you feel abundant right now? And how can you feel abundant without hiking?

Don’t worry — this is going to be simple and it’s going to be fun and it’s going to bring a sense of newness and hope and levity into your life.

First — I just want you to do a meditation. That’s it. Every single day — meditate and allow your brain to settle and allow yourself a feeling of relief from the thoughts that you are thinking about your current situation. This isn’t ignoring something… this is intentionally allowing your body and mind to come into the present moment — no past and no future — just right now. Here’s a good meditation to start with (click on the image!):

Secondly, I am going to (politely) ask you to let go of needing to know what your future is going to be with respect to hiking. Trust that things are going to work themselves out — and see if you can let go of those future scenarios that like to play out in your head for a moment. Then, I want you to ask yourself: What does hiking feel like to you? Jot down your notes and see what you come up with. My guess is that your list will look something like this:

• joy

• fun

• adventure

• confidence

• wellbeing

• strength

• relief

• freedom

• ease

Then, I want you to imagine that you are detaching those feelings from hiking for a moment. You want to hike because you generate those feelings when you hike… but I want you to know that hiking is not the source of those feelings. You are the source of those feelings - and it is the feelings that you want. Don’t give your power away to something outside of you (like hiking) — you are an infinite being and the vastness of what you can summon within yourself is indescribable. I want you to imagine that those feelings are little glowing orbs of goodness that have all taken up residence in your heart — they are pulsing and shining within every cell of your entire body. What can you do from exactly where you are right now to allow yourself to feel some of those feelings? Keep in mind that you might not be able to feel those exact feelings quite yet — if joy is out of reach for you… start with relief. Imagine that you are climbing a little energetic ladder… and you’re not trying to leap across the chasm from fear to exalted bliss… you’re just trying to climb to the next rung.

As you begin this process, your brain might want to insert some programmed negativity, which won’t feel good. Instead, you can choose to shift your focus in a slightly better feeling direction. A few helpful phrases that you can use to soothe yourself are:

I’m not sure how this is going to work out, but I’ll figure it out.

I’m doing the best I can and I’ll just see what happens.

Other people have discovered amazing ways to enjoy nature in fun and surprising ways, and I’m open to the possibilities of what this looks like for me.

I don’t need to know all the answers right now… I just need to take this next breath.

Once you feel like you’ve got your balance a bit… If you want to try and cultivate some additional feelings… I’m going to pose a few questions to you — and I think it would be a fun exercise for you to answer them OUT LOUD (you can even record your answers or write them down if you want to!):

1. Tell me about a time when you felt really strong and empowered!

2. Tell me a story about the most relaxed you’ve ever been in your entire life — what did it feel like? Make the story come alive for me so that I can feel relaxed along with you.

3. Tell me about a time when you felt completely free — like you didn’t have to be anywhere or do anything… you were just 100% yourself and completely in the moment. What was your favorite part about the feeling? Can you describe how you looked in that moment?

4. What’s the most satisfying feeling that you can describe? Or the most satisfying experience you’ve ever had? See if you can melt into the feeling of satisfaction and describe it in as much detail as possible — close your eyes and see if you can savor it!

After you answer the questions — do yourself a favor and lie down on the ground and allow your body to just sink into the floor or earth beneath you. Become heavy and let every single muscle and cell in your body relax. Feel your breathing coming in and out of your body. Feel the life within you. Let go of everything except for this exact moment in time.

You might think to yourself, “Well, this is easy for you to write, Anastasia — because you can go hiking anytime ”, and you would be correct - I can go hiking anytime. However, there was a time in my life when I needed to go hiking in order to feel abundant and happy. Needing is not a good place to be — because needing says, “If I don’t have this, I can’t be happy.” There was a time in my life when I did not think that I could be happy if I wasn’t hiking all the time. But, if I’m being honest, I wasn’t happy — I was just numbing myself into avoiding the difficult task of looking deeply at the places where I believed that I was not enough… and not worthy. I’m not suggesting that you are doing the same — but I will share that I quit hiking for 6 months because I realized that I was unable to be happy without it… and I wanted to discover a sense of worthiness within myself… a sense of belonging that was not attached to anything outside of me. I didn’t find it right away… but, gradually, I started to see what had been there all along. Do I still love to hike? Yes, I do — but I don’t hike with the same insatiable intensity anymore. A day spent at home simply finding things to appreciate is just as joyful for me… because I know that I can always discover a sense of peace, no matter where I am. It’s odd — as the owner of an outdoor gear company… I’ve never spent less time at a trailhead in my entire life… and I’ve also never felt more fulfilled and happy. About a decade ago, I never would have believed that would be possible — but I am here to say that the joy is within me… and it’s within you too. If you don’t quite believe that yet — you can borrow my belief for a little while.

Abundance is not something that you get from anything else — because it is something that you already are. Hiking might help you feel and notice abundance more clearly — but it is not the source of abundance… because the source of abundance is you. As you think about your own life and what you want to create for yourself — please know that everything we experience is always, in some way, leading us back to ourselves. We roam around the earth and we look for things that will make us happy… and every single time… we are led back home. This can be hard to understand at first — but ultimately, it represents the freedom that is the basis for the greatest expression of who we are. It is in this freedom, acceptance and sense of abundance that our eyes are opened to new ideas… perspectives… and a different lens through which to see the world. As you focus on and find the feeling of abundance within yourself … you will begin to have new and beautiful realizations and experiences that will match the feeling of abundance that you are radiating out into the world around you. I don’t know what these experiences will be — but I do know that they will surprise and delight you in ways that you can’t possibly imagine or describe right now. It will be adventurous… joyful… freeing and beautiful beyond your wildest dreams.

Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this process… be kind… and, most importantly, love yourself exactly how you are. You have not been forgotten or left behind — and the abundance in your heart is calling to you in each and every moment… reminding you that it is there and knowing that as you begin to see and feel it again… you will remember how truly special, wonderful and loved you really are.

Friend, I’m wishing you peace, healing and wellness on your journey — you are very much loved in every single way!

Dear AMA,

Have you ever ridden a horse?

Yes, I have! I was a very horse obsessed child who collected Breyer horses… and even competed in ‘photo competitions’ that involved posing my Breyer horses in a variety of natural scenes. At the risk of traumatizing all of you with the untamed nature of my bangs at a young age… I’ll share a photo of myself wearing a shirt that was one of my most prized possessions: a shirt that featured a Leonardo DaVinci sketch of a horse:

I started taking horseback riding lessons when I was in 8th grade — my first riding instructor was a woman named Joan Palmer who owned a quarter horse farm in Pennsylvania. I originally started riding in a western saddle — learning the basics about how to walk, trot and canter on a horse. I was homeschooled in high school, so I had a very flexible schedule — and I decided to take a volunteer position at a farm called Sheeder Mill Farm. As a volunteer at the farm, I spent my days shoveling manure and cleaning stalls… feeding horses… and helping the paid employees lead trail rides for customers. I loved it. I still remember one day in particular when my supervisor let me take one of the horses out in the field in the snow — we galloped across the field together and I had never experienced such a feeling of wild exhilaration in my entire life. Horses are big and powerful and beautiful — and having the experience of being in their presence is such a gift!

Me in a riding lesson, circa 1994-ish!

After working at Sheeder Mill Farm, I started taking lessons again at another farm — except this time, I decided that I wanted to try riding with an English saddle so that I could learn how to do some ‘jumping’. My favorite horse to ride was an ex-racehorse named Sid… he was strong-headed and stubborn and he would get so excited to jump that he’d fly over the jumps and it would take almost everything in me to slow him down.

Circa 2000… me and Sid, the Thoroughbred former racehorse!

In college, I joined the equestrian team — which meant that I could take discounted horseback riding lessons at a local boarding school for girls called Linden Hall. Once per week, I’d drive to the school and I’d get to have an hour of horseback riding lessons… which was really fun, but not my favorite part of the day. My favorite part of the lesson was always the cool down… my instructor would let me ride the horse around the expansive grounds at the school… and it would just be me and the horse, peacefully walking and trotting through seemingly endless grass fields.

The last time that I rode a horse was in 2011 on my trek in Bhutan. We had to cross a deep river during the trek, and we were guided across this section on horseback. As I slipped my left foot into the stirrup and swung my leg up and over the horse — I felt a returning sense of familiarity that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. For many years — horses loaned me their sense of innate confidence and belonging. Just like the time that I spent outside — I felt a sense of acceptance when I was riding that I had a hard time finding with my human peers. When I was on a horse — I was able to be present, since I wasn’t yet capable of finding that sense of calm and stillness on my own. Horses are majestic creatures — stronger than words can describe and over my many years of being around them I developed a deep respect for their strength and resiliency. No matter how I was feeling, they always seemed to sense it — on challenging days, I remember being nudged by a massive Belgian stallion named Beau… as if to say, “You’re going to be Ok!”. I’d lean up against his massive body and I’d feel his chest breathe in and out… and, against all odds, I’d believe him.

Riding a pony in Bhutan.

Friends, thank you all so much for being here and for asking such fun questions to answer — I feel like it’s such a treat to be able to share ideas and stories with all of you — like a virtual campfire almost every single week (at least it feels like that for me!). I hope that you all have a beautiful week, and if you’d like to submit a question for a future AMA you can do that right here.

I’m sending you all a lot of love and a wish for peace, ease and abundance in your life.