AMA with AMA: Answering YOUR questions!
Bronze sculptures and the post trail blues!
Dear Kula Diaries,
I hope that all of you are having a beautiful week so far! This week is very exciting for me, because The Musical Mountaineers will be performing at Benaroya Hall on Friday as a part of a concert to benefit the Washington Trails Association. I’m very very excited to have the opportunity to be a part of something so near and dear to my heart — and I know it’s going to be a really special evening.
My goal for this week is to: relax, be present and enjoy and appreciate everything. I’m having fun at work… enjoying my morning walks (and talking out loud to myself as usual)… and spending some extra time dancing and meditating. I’ve also been writing every single day — and I’ll have something special to share with all of you on Sunday.
However — today is the day that is all about YOUR questions… if you’d like to submit a question to a future AMA, you can do that using this link to the Kula Diaries Vault. I’m so grateful for your interest and for the wonderful comments and questions that all of you submit — they are so enjoyable to read, contemplate and answer.
Ok… time for the questions!
Dear AMA,
What's something you've always wanted to learn or try but haven't had the chance yet?
I got my undergraduate degree from a small liberal arts college in Lancaster, Pennsylvania called Franklin and Marshall College. On the campus, there was a bronze sculpture of Benjamin Franklin — but it wasn’t a sculpture of his entire body. In fact, the sculpture was more of his bust and foot ‘emerging’ from a box — like a partially finished sculpture, that somehow ended up getting cast in bronze. This statue was casually known as, ‘Ben in the Box’. While I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that it was most commonly considered a popular peeing target for drunken college students (which I never participated in, for the record)… it was also a bit of a landmark on campus.
A few years ago, when I started visualizing the Kula Cloth office that would one day find its way into being… I had a very specific vision of something that reminded me of that Ben in the Box sculpture — minus the peeing part… except that I do own a pee cloth company, so maybe it all makes sense in a full-circle way. I had a very specific vision that one day, there would be a bronze Creepy Cat sculpture outside of the Kula Cloth HQ. I’m not talking about a small, cat-sized sculpture. I’m talking about a human-sized sculpture of a Creepy Cat in Victorian Pajamas, holding a small toy mouse in its right paw. I saw this image very clearly in my mind, and I also saw hikers and backpackers arriving at Kula HQ from all over the world to rub the toy mouse (for good luck)… and to pose for photos with the bronze Creepy Cat.
The Creepy Cat became the unofficial/official mascot of Kula Cloth back in 2021, for reasons unknown — except that the universe itself kindly demanded the presence of the Creepy Cat. To be honest, I posted the very first Creepy Cat meme as a silly joke, with absolutely zero intention that it would ever go as far as it did:
After we posted the very first meme, I thought it would be funny if we posted it again… and again… and again… because it felt hilarious to make fun of the unspoken ‘Instagram Rule’ that you can’t post the same thing on your feed more than once. You know… because of ‘aesthetics’. Well, we’ve never really been the type of brand that wanted to follow the rules, so we kept posting it — and it took on a life of its own:
For the past few years, the Creepy Cat has brought me so much unexpected joy, and it has always reminded me that you can trust your wild, whimsical ideas… and that when you follow the things that feel good to you… magical things can happen. Sometime last year, I received a mysterious package in the mail, containing a very personal letter and a hand-carved creepy cat sculpture:
I still have no idea who sent me this beautiful sculpture, but I absolutely cherish it… and I equally cherish the note that arrived with it. I don’t have any clues as to where it came from… as it arrived only with a return address of, ‘The Island of Misfit Toys’. I keep the sculpture on my desk at all times, and I keep the letter in a place where I can read it and appreciate the immense kindness, love and good that exists in the world.
I also find it truly remarkable that amidst my own dreaming and contemplating the existence of a bronze creepy cat sculpture… this small, precious wooden sculpture arrived. While I won’t share all of the words in the letter, one line has stuck with me:
“Man, I wish I could be one of those Phillyantropist, PillAnTriPose, Philoanttropist… Oh hell, A rich person who could see kind acts and hand out wads of hundred-dollar bills. But alas, I am not, so you get this instead. It’s just a small token to say thank you and to acknowledge you are a good person.”
As I sit here at my desk, looking into the precious, googly hand-carved eyes of this one of a kind sculpture — I want to say: there is nothing more special to me than this. No amount of hundred-dollar bills could ever possibly create the amount of love, abundance and goodness that I feel when I glance at this tiny sculpture. It is one of the most special things that has ever come into my life, and the fact that you (whoever you are) made this for me — means more than I could ever write in words.
And so, it is this sculpture that reminds me why I want to, someday, create a larger sculpture. So that people from around the world can also come… and feel the goodness and the silliness and the unique-ness and specialness of who they are. Which leads me to a very roundabout way of answering the original question….
I want to learn how to create and cast a bronze sculpture of the Creepy Cat.
I’ve done some research on this, and it looks like there are several methods of casting bronze… all of which would require me to learn how to make a sculpture of cat… and also have access to a foundry that can melt bronze. I have no idea how to make a bronze sculpture — but I also know that there are people who exist in this world who make sculptures out of bronze, who also did not know how to do it at one point in their lives. I’ll probably have to start small… and just see where it goes. I do know, however, without a shadow of a doubt that there is a way. I don’t know what my role in the creation of this work of art will be, but I feel absolutely elated and excited to be a part of it and to watch it come to life. I have researched the ‘lost wax’ method of bronze casting — and the process is both complicated and fascinating.
I started visualizing the Kula HQ a few years ago — I talk about it all the time, and regularly ask myself this question: How does it feel?
This building is very familiar to me, because I know exactly how it feels. It feels spacious and fun… it feels modern and open… it feels generous and abundant. When I think about the Kula building and what it represents, it feels like love. It feels like a place that is comfortable and welcoming — a place that is inviting and accepting. I have very specific vision of arriving at the office one day … to a flurry of fun humans who are using the community picnic area to stage their backpacks before a hike. I feel buoyant and exhilarated as I watch them — giddy with laughter — posing gleefully with the Creepy Cat sculpture. Then, I pull out my silent sound system… and we have an impromptu dance party, for no reason at all, other than it sounds fun.
Last year, I shared that Kula HQ moved from my personal house into its first office ever — which was a very exciting transition for me. Our new building is quirky and a little rustic — but it feels like home, in a way I can’t describe. It feels like where we were meant to be. I look out of my window sometimes, and I laugh at my ‘Gear Company CEO view’ — which often includes people running heavy equipment and/or an occasional accidental butt crack show from one of the workers that we share the property with. It would be easy to look around at our current location, and wish that we were somewhere different — or wish that we were ‘further along’ in the process of realizing the ultimate home of Kula HQ … but honestly, I don’t want to miss it. I love where we are. I can find the feeling of this new place in my heart at any moment, and so I know that it’s real — and it’s joyful to think about it as it comes to be. I don’t need to know how it will happen — I just need to let myself feel the joy of it, because, really — that’s what I want. Someday, I’ll take my little wooden creepy cat sculpture to meet its much larger, bronze sibling — but I don’t want to lose sight of all that is here right now.
I don’t know when I’ll learn how to sculpt and cast something in bronze.. and I have absolutely zero clue how this whole idea is going to come to life, but I believe and know that it will. I hope it’ll become one of those sculptures that people visit for good luck. I hope people will say… It started with a laugh… it turned into an idea… it became a little wooden sculpture that was whittled with love… and now, it brings infinite abundance and joy to everybody else who laughs in its presence as they remember that all things are possible.
Dear AMA,
Have you experienced “the post-trail blues”?
Yes — so many times! Although, I have to admit that the era of my life where I often experienced the post-trail blues seems to have passed… and I feel like I have enough awareness now to understand why it simply doesn’t happen anymore. The most intense experience of post-trail blues was after my Bhutan Trek. I was at a very low point in my personal life and my (then) marriage… and spending 18 days in the Himalayas was a dream come true. I came home from that trip… found out I was getting laid off from my job as a park ranger, and I sunk into a deep depression. I felt very angry about my life situation, and I was overwhelmed with having to ‘figure out’ my life. I was so apathetic about life, that I even had a hard time hiking — nothing seemed to give me the ‘buzz’ that I needed in order to be happy again.
Now, I want to make it very clear that if you regularly experience the ‘post trail blues’ … I’m not saying that this is the truth for you too — but, for me, I have recognized that I spent so much time hiking because I always needed to ‘get away’ from things. I was always escaping something that wasn’t ‘right’ in my life — and I used the trail as a way to silence my mind. Little did I know that most of the things that I was trying to ‘escape from’ — were actually created in my mind to begin with. Instead, I thought that I needed to ‘leave it all behind’ in order to find a sense of peace. When I was on the trail, nobody could contact me — and pushing myself hard in the mountains, was one of the only ways that I could ‘force’ myself to be present. At that phase of my life, I didn’t have enough conscious awareness to recognize that I was never present… because I was always in my head creating drama about the future or the past — which left me in a constant state of anxiety.
I put so much effort into planning my trips, that when the distraction from planning and going on a trip was over… I felt completely lost. My identity was so wrapped up in being a hiker and a mountaineer… that if I wasn’t hiking… who was I? If I wasn’t having some sort of an epic adventure in the mountains… was there anything redeeming about my life? To be completely honest, I really didn’t feel grateful for much — I spent more of my ‘normal’ life complaining about what was wrong, and needing to get out on the trail so that I could be happy. And, of course, when I was out on the trail — I spent most of the time either complaining about what was wrong in my life… or pushing myself into cardiovascular oblivion.
Needless to say, the presence that I really wanted… the feelings that I really wanted from being outside… I didn’t always find them. Now, don’t get me wrong — I had a great time on my trips… but the reason that I had a great time is because I was giving myself the relief that I did not know how to find on my own. In fact, I did not think that I could find it — until my life changed and things were ‘better’. And so, I associated relief with hiking… which does work — but only temporarily. I mostly used the trail to numb myself and I shared photos of myself on my adventures because I wanted the dopamine hit from the validation I received from others as a result of being so ‘hardcore’. I still cringe when I think about some of the things that I said on my personal Facebook many (many) years ago. I vividly recall a Facebook status of a photograph of me in the Alpine Lakes Wilderness… and the caption was… “This is where I am while you’re at work right now.” Ugh. Can I please go back and smack myself retroactively? And to think that I simultaneously had the audacity to complain about my life?
Now, I’m going to cut myself a little bit of slack — because I know that I did not intend to be a complete a**hole. In fact, I don’t think I had any intention at all, because I was so unconsciously identified with the stories that I was telling in my mind… that ‘overcompensating’ for my own misery by pretending that I was living in a fantasy world was, probably, pretty obvious to anybody who was watching my Facebook feed. It probably didn’t take a genius to look at the fact that I spent every single solitary weekend away from my (now) ex. The amount of mountain summits that I attained was absolutely proportionate to the amount of misery that I was attempting to conceal in my life. As one would expect, when I was off the trail — I was not a happy person. The trail was a place where everything was simple: all I had to do was eat, sleep, poop, pee, drink water and walk. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that I could find that stillness in the wilderness… and also re-discover it at home. I incorrectly believed that the only place it existed was on the trail.
Last week, I taught a backpacking class to a few hundred people — which was, by the way, really remarkable and unbelievably fun. I also want to set the record straight: I love backpacking. I love hiking. I love climbing mountains. And even more than having those adventures on my own anymore — I love helping other people find the confidence to create their own adventures too. But nowadays, I don’t teach the same as I used to — it used to be about getting out and having ‘objectives’ and checking things off and being hardcore and climbing as many things as possible and getting a ton of elevation gain and mileage… and all of those are amazing and fun things, and I’ve done all of them. But, I also try to share the missing piece: the presence that you feel out there is always within you. You don’t have to leave it on the trail. You don’t have to come home and forget that it exists — because it never leaves you. You can discover the feeling of presence in the wilderness, and then you can allow it to ripple into your life in such a way that you can close your eyes, no matter what is going on in your life, and find that sense of vast wholeness within you. When I discovered this truth and when I really started to feel it… I no longer experienced the post trail blues… because I no longer needed the wilderness to feel the thing that I didn’t think I could feel on my own.
That being said — I think it’s also completely normal to love something so much that you can miss it… and I’ve experienced that too. Being in nature is intoxicating, because it connects us to and reminds us of what really matters. It always surprises me that we spend our lives trying to accumulate so many things and reach so many external goals — and yet, so many of us find the most joy in life when we are living in a 5 x 7 ft tent and sleeping on a partially-comfortable sleeping pad with a miniature pillow. And if you miss something because you love it — that’s OK, and maybe finding a way to reconnect with nature, from exactly where you are, will help. When I had the post-trail blues, I often found that writing about my trips was the most helpful — being able to re-immerse myself in the moment seemed to remind me about all of the good that I had experienced… and it helped me remember that the good didn’t simply vanish because I was back at home. It was still with me.
Oddly enough, hiking and climbing many miles in the wilderness never led me where I thought it was going to lead me. While I did get the opportunity to stand on many summits and to see many beautiful things… the most important thing that I discovered was a reconnection with myself. Many people spend most of their lives trying to ‘find something’ that they can’t quite put their finger on — only to ultimately realize that the ‘thing’ they were looking for, was something that they had all along. The wilderness is a revealer of this truth — because the beauty that we see in nature is a reflection of something that we can often feel… but don’t quite know yet. I’d never discourage anybody from going outside, because it is often in those quiet moments where we begin to get glimpses of a peace that exists within us. The most important thing to remember, however, is that the peace doesn’t simply go away when we leave the mountains. It might feel like it does — but it’s still there. My post trail blues were usually a sense of longing for this peace — which I did not know that I could find in every moment. The second that I got off the trail and had to go back to ‘real life’ — I experienced extreme anxiety about all of the things that I had to ‘deal with’ and ‘think about’. The noise flooded back into my mind — and I just wanted it to go away.
Over the years, and through cultivating the practice of meditation and awareness, I’ve learned that the peace we often associate with the wilderness — while it might be more easily found outside — is something that emanates from within us. It is entirely possible to be on a trail and to be absolutely miserable, because we are so ‘in our minds’ that we don’t have the capacity to enjoy where we are. Our potential for discovering peace in our lives begins right now — with the next breath that we take. I no longer need the trail in order to find a sense of well-being or identity … but I love to appreciate it, and, oddly enough, I also love to come home after spending a few days on the trail. The moral of the story is: do what you love and what brings you happiness and joy, but learn to recognize that those feelings are cultivated and created by you.
When I taught my backpacking class the other day, I started the class by reading this quote from René Daumal:
You cannot stay on the summit forever; you have to come down again. So why bother in the first place? Just this: What is above knows what is below, but what is below does not know what is above. One climbs, one sees. One descends, one sees no longer, but one has seen. There is an art of conducting oneself in the lower regions by the memory of what one saw higher up. When one can no longer see, one can at least still know.
A few years ago, I had this ridiculous idea to try a mediation in a garbage dump. I had only ever attached the feeling of ‘peace and serenity and joy’ to the wilderness — namely, it was the only place that I could ‘be happy’. Let me also preface this story by saying that I hate going to the dump — for any reason at all. Usually, my husband and I go to the dump to drop off excessive amounts of cardboard boxes that won’t fit in our recycle bin — but, in general, I really dislike the smell of the sanitation facility and watching the giant bulldozer pushing around massive piles of garbage. But, nevertheless, I decided that my experiment was worthwhile — so, we pulled into the dump facility, and as my husband was disposing of some boxes… I opened my nostrils a little bit, took a deep breath… and closed my eyes. And do you know what? I was overwhelmed with such a beautiful sense of peace, that it was nearly indescribable — I felt a strange sense of beauty, presence and love — and I know for sure that it was probably not coming from the moldy mattress that somebody was pushing over the edge of the dump platform. It was coming from within me. It was an earth-shattering moment that helped me realize that if I could find a feeling of peace in a place that absolutely disgusted me… I could find it anywhere. It was not independent of me — it was a part of who I was.
Luckily, you don’t have to visit a dump to try this (although you could if you feel inspired to do so). The next time you pack up your campsite and hike back to the trailhead… and drive back into town… and go back to life… see if you can intentionally take a moment to close your eyes and find the feeling of the wilderness within you. Think back to your favorite campsite, and allow yourself to feel the feeling of lying on your sleeping pad and waking up in the morning — hearing the birdsong and the symphony of breeze. Imagine that you are getting out of your tent — and that the mountains around you are just waking up… tiny patches of light hitting the rocky or snowy cliffs with a gentle dusting of morning gold. Watch as the sky melts from blue to purple to pink — and feel the sun hitting your face as it casts its first rays across your tiny nook of the world. Breathe in deeply and feel the mountain air rushing into your lungs — filling you with a sense of ease, relaxation and peace. Be here, right now and feel the everything of the universe within your heart.
When you can do this, you’ll remember: you never left, because it’s still a part of you — as you are of it. Through you, the joy of being in nature will ripple into everything you do… all people you encounter… and each beautiful part of your life. As Eckhart Tolle says, “Only when you are still inside do you have access to the realm of stillness that rocks, plants, and animals inhabit. ... Nature can bring you to stillness. That is its gift to you. When you perceive and join with nature in the field of stillness, that field becomes permeated with your awareness. That is your gift to nature. Through you nature becomes aware of itself. Nature has been waiting for you, as it were, for millions of years.”
Friends — thank you all so much for being here! I’m so grateful for all of you, and I hope that you are able to find a sense of stillness and peace in your heart today. I am sending you all so much love.
P.S. This is a meditation written by me and read by Rose — featuring original improvisation from The Musical Mountaineers. I hope you love it, and I hope it helps you re-discover the wilderness within you.
According to my research, you are the second post on the internet to use the term "cardiovascular oblivion."