AMA with AMA: Answering YOUR questions... about love...
*and whether or not it even matters.
Dear Kula Diaries,
Welcome to my 36th weekly AMA (‘Ask Me Anything’) column! This is the time every single week devoted to answering your questions… which you have so kindly submitted via the Kula Diaries Vault.
Today is Valentine’s Day… and while I’m not a regular participant in Valentine’s Day ‘festivities’ … I did have a few questions that felt very loving… so, I decided to compile them into one, incredibly loving set of questions and answers.
I don’t have any plans for this Valentine’s Day — and I don’t think that Aaron and I have ever done anything for Valentine’s Day. However, I will admit that this year, I used the holiday as an ‘excuse’ to buy a limited edition box of chocolate bon bons from one of my favorite chocolate makers… Bon Bon Bon. When I buy chocolates… I never buy them just for me. I always buy two boxes… since the fun part of tasting the chocolates is taste-testing them with somebody else! We have been having one Bon Bon per night since they arrived… and they are spectacular. Each Bon Bon feels like a tiny journey in a little chocolate cube — the flavors are really complex and innovative and it always shocks me how much creativity that Bon Bon Bon puts into their chocolates. I’m not paid to say this — by the way… I just genuinely love everything they make!
Some people adore Valentine’s Day… other people hate it… and I think I probably fall somewhere in the middle. I don’t have any strong feelings one way or the other, and, in general, I think people should do what makes them feel happy. I’ll never shame anybody for wanting to celebrate… or not wanting to celebrate a day. There is room on this planet for all of us.
As a quick reminder… I am not a therapist. These are my words, opinions, and advice. Please use curiosity while reading them and take what works for you, and feel free to ditch anything that doesn’t. Above all things — trust yourself more than anybody else (including me).
So, without further adieu… let’s get to the questions!
Dear AMA,
Why do you care for me?
I’ll answer this question by telling you a story about an experience that I had in Mexico in 2017. When I quit my job in July of that year, my plan was attend a life coaching training course in December. This course perfectly aligned with my husband’s pre-selected vacation time… so we both signed up to take the class, and we flew to Mexico for 10 days of intense training.
The training in Mexico used a yoga retreat center for its ‘classroom’ … and so we had the opportunity to do some yoga classes and participate in a variety of ‘other’ types of classes as well. Some of these were very new experiences to me — and many of them were out of my comfort zone. Keep in mind that I had just left a nearly decade and a half career of being in law enforcement… so suddenly being at a training facility where people didn’t speak before breakfast was very… different.
During one of these ‘different’ sessions, we were given a simple instruction: sit across from somebody in the class and look into their eyes. We were instructed that it was easiest to just look into one eye, rather than two, which was hard to focus on. And so, I sat across from a person that I didn’t know very well… and I looked into his left eye as he looked into mine. For the first minute or so, it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable to be staring at somebody else’s eye… but after the giggling in the class died down, a stillness settled over the room. I could feel myself sinking into the floor as I continued to look into the left eye of this ‘other’ human — and at some point, and I’m not sure how long we had been sitting there, time seemed to melt away. In fact, everything felt like it melted away — my own sense of who I was… my body… and who this other person was, as a different being than me. The edges between us were blurred, and the depth that I felt looking into that left eye was something that I had never experienced before. Even thinking about it now — I find it hard to describe without tears welling up in my eyes. It was a moment of seeing beyond another — and into something much, much more special.
After we performed the exercise with one person, we turned to a second person to do the exact same exercise again. Except that this time, I was sitting across from somebody that I knew — I was sitting across from my husband Aaron. During this point in my life, I was still very much identified with the unconscious beliefs in my mind — and I could hold a grudge like it was my job. Aaron and I had been struggling in our relationship during the months leading up to this retreat — mostly because of an untrue story that I had made up in my head, but refused to let go. And now, I was going to stare into his left eye for a lengthy period of time. The second our eyes met, I started sobbing — it was almost uncontrollable for me, and I didn’t know why. I tried to regain my composure, and eventually, I was able to hold it together long enough that I could begin the exercise in earnest. I sat and stared into my husband’s left eye, and I realized that it was — quite possibly — the first time I had ever really seen him before. Sure, we had gone through the motions of being ‘a couple’ for years at this point… but had I ever really seen him? Had I peered beyond the outer shell that is defined by words like ‘husband’?
I’m sharing this story because it was one of the first times, that I can specifically remember, when I felt an overwhelmingly deep sense of love towards another being. Sure, I had felt what I thought was love… the ‘honeymoon’ euphoria that often comes in the beginning of a relationship… but I had never experienced anything like this. And not only was this a deep sense of love for my husband — it was a deep sense of love for him beyond the mental concept of being ‘a husband’. While not romantic by any means, I also felt a deep love when I looked into the eye of somebody that I didn’t really know. What was this feeling? Was it possible that I was seeing and feeling something that was beyond the traditional definition of love?
Thomas Merton describes this feeling more perfectly than I could ever hope to, so I’ll share that with all of you:
Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in God's eyes. If only they could see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time, there would be no more war, no more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed . . . I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other.
And, that, dearest friends — no matter who you are… what our differences are… where we are in our lives right now — that, is why I care for you.
Dear AMA,
If you could write a secret hidden message on Kula Cloths - what would it say?
I’m going to start by telling you a funny story about a Kula Cloth that I once thought had a secret message embedded in it. We work with a variety of artists, and their creativity never ceases to amaze me. The process for getting a Kula Cloth Artist Series produced is a multi-month process that involves numerous rounds of digital and physical proofs… plus an artist agreement… before we actually produce the final product.
A few years ago, we did a really beautiful design with a really talented artist named Annie Riker. Her design, featuring a leaf motif, was called Leaf No Trace:
We were all really excited about this design, so we were shocked when our factory manager sent us a concerned text message stating that they believed that there was some sort of a ‘secret message’ written on the Kula design:
We had already signed the artist agreement with this artist, so when I first saw the words on the printed sample of the Kula — I got nervous. Were we unknowingly producing a Kula Cloth that contained a strange message? Was this an attempt to communicate with an alien life form? Was it something weird or offensive written on a Kula Cloth? I tried my best to stop myself from making up imaginary stories in my head… and we wrote to the artist to ask her what the text said.
As it turns out, this Kula was not an attempt at worldwide pee cloth domination. Instead, Annie had brilliantly added some botanical text to the background of the print as a unique way of adding ‘texture’. Phew! In the final version of the Kula, the text isn’t even visible — but, it was a funny and unexpected moment in our production process… and also a good reminder as to why it is so important to have multi-phased proofing process for designs.
For the record, we do not hide secret messages on Kula Cloths, but I think this is a very fun idea — I’ve always loved the idea of computer programmers or animators hiding little ‘easter eggs’ in their projects. I’m a bit hesitant to do hidden messaging, but I have been working to include intentional, ‘littles’. A ‘little’ is tiny way that we can add something unexpected and kind into a place where you wouldn’t expect it — on a clothing tag, inside a heat transfer, or on the label of a shirt. Over the past few years, as we’ve expanded our product line — I’ve had the most fun adding these ‘little’ messages to our clothing tags… or the interior of our hats… or on the postcards that we send out with each order.
There is one message that I’ve included on all of these items… and it probably won’t surprise you:
I don’t really think that there is anything more important that you could tell another human. To acknowledge their beingness… to acknowledge that they are loved is, truly, the the most important thing I could tell somebody else.
Once, I had somebody write me a nasty message because they said that I wasn’t actually their ‘friend’ and that it was wrong for me to say that I ‘loved’ other people, when I didn’t really know them. While I understand that this individual clearly had some issues beyond my control — I also found it very sad that they couldn’t comprehend the concept of true, unconditional love. Love is something that has no opposite. It isn’t reserved for ‘special’ people… and withheld from others. Love simply is. And it is in recognizing that love within ourselves, that we also can see it in others. It is a way to look beyond the facade… beyond our differences … and to see the part of another being that is real and true.
When I was a kid, I loved searching for ‘hidden’ things. I remember that there was a specific brand of yard gnomes where the creator always embedded a single penny into each gnome. Whenever I saw one of these gnomes, I would excitedly pick it up and search all over it for the hidden penny — it felt like discovering a treasure. Some day, when Pyka has grown into a fully-fledged gear company in its own right with all types of hiking apparel… I hope that it can become a ‘thing’ to search for the hidden message of love that is included on each piece of gear. And I really hope, that in some way, a little bit of that message sinks in. I used to be a person that did not love myself very much — I saw all of my ‘flaws’ and imperfections and felt like a disappointment and a failure. I had spent most of my life looking for love and validation outside of myself. Eventually, I knew there had to be a different way. I had seen so many messages about love and gratitude and appreciation… and, so, I became willing to be open to a new way of being in the world. While loving yourself must come from within you, I like to think that maybe our tiny messages can be a little spark — a miniature reminder from the universe that, no matter what, you are loved.
Dear AMA,
Is it “overkill” to try and forge genuine connection with other humans and with nature, even though we’re all just riding on a spinning rock hurtling through space???
There are two possible answers to this question… and I think that Einstein summed it up perfectly when he said, “There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” In response to Einstein, I’m going to share another one of my favorite quotes from A Course In Miracles:
Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.
Deciding whether or not to see this love is a choice — and it probably won’t surprise you to know that I have chosen to reside in a place where I notice the love that is there. I truly believe that forging genuine connection and love with other humans and nature is the only thing that actually matters as we hurtle through space on a spinning rock. It is, quite honestly, everything else that is overkill. If you deny love — you are missing out on the opportunity to witness the true nature of all beings.
We live in a world and a society that is largely comprised of ‘made up’ rules — and we accept the reality that we are presented with, because that’s just the world that we live in. We wake up every single day… go to work… save money for our ‘retirement’… and we think about things like investments… health insurance… taxes… HOA dues… making sure our vehicle tabs aren’t expired… etc… Now, on one level, I understand why these things are in place — because they help our society function (sort of) as a working unit. But on the other hand, it’s also comical to look at some of the things that we deem so important. Have you ever filled out ‘required paperwork’ … and found yourself in the middle of doing it while simultaneously wondering what in the hell am I actually doing right now? Seriously — I’m curious… it can’t just be me, can it? What I’ve learned is this: Love is the one thing that exists that helps me make sense of the nonsensical.
Recently, I attended an HOA meeting for my neighborhood in which one neighbor started yelling at other members because he hadn’t checked his e-mail and didn’t know about a project that was taking place. Arguably, it was his fault that he didn’t check his own e-mail, but the anger that he was feeling in that moment was real. In fact, as I watched his reaction to the ‘issue’ … I realized that, it was quite possible, he wasn’t angry about not receiving the e-mail at all. In his ego-identified mind, he probably thought he was — but the real problem was that he felt left out… he felt forgotten… he felt unloved. Now, I wasn’t about to bring that up at an HOA meeting — but I was able to look at him with a new level of compassion and understanding. I was able to peer through the facade of what we all thought was happening … and look at the one thing that was real: the love that we can share with another.
As a business owner, I am keenly aware that a lot of the things that I think are important on a day to day basis have absolutely zero cosmic significance. In the grand scheme of the universe — a place where our planet could be sucked into a more stable vacuum at any given moment — the inner workings of a pee cloth company probably don’t make a tremendous difference. And, by that, I mean that the gear itself is not cosmically significant. If Kula Cloth vanished tomorrow, the earth would remain on its axis. However, there is one thing that I do believe is very important: appointing love as the priority of the business. Yes, I participate in all of the traditional activities of our structured society: I drive a car, I buy groceries, I pay my bills, I don’t let my vehicle tabs expire, and I abide by the rules (in general). However, it’s possible to live within that structure and also make how you are doing something more important than what you are doing. The content of what we do each day is largely unimportant — but, each opportunity, presents a moment in which we have a choice: we can choose to see the love in that moment, or choose to look somewhere else.
Why is this important? As we intentionally look for the love in every moment… or as we run a business with a purpose of bringing more good into the world… we change the energy of everything around us. The ripple effect of that love has the power to awaken more humans from their own ego-identified minds, which, ultimately is the goal: the consciousness of the universe waking up to itself as love. In those moments, a cosmic healing takes place. I’m definitely not perfect at this process, and I do get annoyed sometimes — but I try to find ways to make love and connection my true purpose in life. My inner purpose is primary… my ‘outer purpose’ is secondary. With Kula Cloth, I’ve actively looked at our products and our website and all of our marketing material — and I try to find ways to infuse everything we do with a tiny bit of that love too. I believe this is why people show up for a pee cloth… but end up staying, ‘for something else’. The ‘something else’ is the love and connection that they feel — and then share with others. There are many people who have started meditating… dancing… and explored a deeper connection in their own life because of the existence of Kula Cloth, and that is important. When you connect with another human or with nature — you are doing something miraculous: you are witnessing yourself as the universe.
As Eckhart Tolle says, “You are not IN the universe, you ARE the universe, an intrinsic part of it. Ultimately you are not a person, but a focal point where the universe is becoming conscious of itself. What an amazing miracle.”
Humans, in large part, live the majority of their lives very unconscious of this connection. I don’t think that my true ‘awakening’ started until I was in my mid to late thirties. In my twenties, I was entirely identified with my mind and felt angry, confused and distraught a lot of the time about, ‘why things were happening to me’. Each human on this planet has the opportunity to go through this beautiful awakening of their own consciousness — some will be successful, and some will not. Those who do not will live in fear for most of their lives. As a collective unit of beings, I believe that it is our greatest responsibility to participate actively in the sharing of love and the awakening of our fellow humans — that is our gift to each other. Through that awakening, the notion of separateness disappears — to be replaced with a deep sense of still and peace. Can you imagine a world where all humans are aware of the infinite love within their own hearts? Can you imagine a world where they extend that love to others? I don’t know what will happen on the day when we all sense that deep connection to each other and nature — but I know that will have cosmic significance far beyond anything I can imagine.
Every single morning for the past 127 days, I’ve been reading one lesson from A Course in Miracles out loud at our table before breakfast. This serves a twofold purpose: first, I’ve been a student of ‘the course’ for a few years now, and I wanted to read the lessons with Aaron… and second, reading the lesson gives our breakfast sandwiches time to cool down so that we don’t scald the roof of our mouths on them - ha! This morning, the lesson was all about love — and as I started writing the answer to this question, I couldn’t help but thinking about one particular passage in today’s lesson that said:
Love cannot judge. As it is one itself, it looks on all as one. Its meaning lies in oneness. And it must elude the mind that thinks of it as partial or in part. Love is a law without an opposite. Its wholeness is the power holding everything as one.
No course whose purpose is to teach you to remember what you really are could fail to emphasize that there can never be a difference in what you really are and what love is.
Love is everything. Love is nature… love is you… love is all of us. At the level of sub atomic unexplainables — it is the only thing that remains… a thing that can be without being anything at all. And yet, on some level, we can all sense and feel that it is there. As we continue to hurtle through space at 66,000 miles per hour… I hope we can use our precious time on this planet to remember the one thing that matters very much.
Friends, thank you all so much for being here. I mean this just as much today as I do every time I say it… YOU. ARE. LOVED. Thank you for your support, kindness and for taking time out of your day to read The Kula Diaries … it means a lot.
Damn woman, did the universe send you to reinforce the lessons I’ve been learning lately? Other than the “teachers” I’ve been learning from (Eckhart Tolle, Michael Singer, Rupert Spira, and Byron Katie) you are the only one I know who thinks like that. It’s kind of spooky how closely our “theologies” match…
Spot on!! 💝