AMA with AMA: Answering YOUR questions!
Wildlife encounters.... when to stay and when to go... and the perfect bite of food.
Dearest Kula Diaries friends - it’s time for another AMA (Ask Me Anything). This week I’m back with more of your questions… and I hope that I can bring a little bit of humor, magic, perspective and love into your life through my answers. I appreciate all of you so much - thank you for being here!
Dear AMA,
Have you ever had an encounter with wildlife larger than a rabbit or deer while out on your morning walk in the dark?
As most of you know, I walk… a lot. My morning walks usually consist of around 5-7 miles of walking, and this time of year… it’s dark. To save batteries, I have a special rechargeable headlamp that I use for my walks. Every morning, before I head out the door, I strap it to my hat.
I live in a very rural area, and my home is surrounded by hundreds of acres of forest. The other homes in my ‘neighborhood’ (if you could even call it that) are not visible from where I live… and some of my neighbors don’t even have a physical home on their property, as they have only used their property for recreational or camping purposes.
So, as you can imagine, the hustle and bustle of ‘traffic’ in the morning… is just me… walking alone in the dark. When I leave my house, I head onto a dirt road and I climb about 500’ gain to the top of a small mountain that sits behind my house. Then, I walk this road all the way back down my house… and I repeat… many times. My husband and I, and several of our neighbors, have installed game cameras and security cameras on our property — and we are well aware of the wildlife that also lives here. We have seen opossums, foxes, coyotes, racoons, bobcats, bears, deer and even an occasional cougar on the game cameras.
With all of this wildlife actively sharing the neighborhood… have I seen all of it in person? The answer is, sadly, no. Although… if I’m being honest, I don’t think I’d be super excited to bump into a cougar, if I had a choice in the matter. On my morning walks, I will most often see deer. This scared the absolute crap out of me the first few times that it happened in the dark, because their eyes glow brightly with the light of the headlamp. So, I’d be wandering along and minding my own business… when suddenly… GLOWING EYES. It was terrifying. This was even worse during the height of my social media addiction, because I would be playing with my phone on my morning walks instead of actually enjoying the morning walk… and then I’d look up and see a pair of eyes staring right back at me… and I’d nearly pass out from the adrenaline rush of fear.
Now, having shared my walks with many deer… I can easily tell (from a distance) when I’m looking at deer eyes… or when I’m looking at something else. I’ve ‘gotten to know’ the deer in my neighborhood, and there are a few deer that are very skittish… but there are other deer that are much more tolerant of my presence. Currently, there is a doe and her fawn that are very comfortable with my walking habits, and they usually watch me amicably as I stroll by them in the morning.
While I have never seen any bear or cougars on my walks, I have encountered several coyotes and a few bobcats. These carnivorous critters are usually pretty terrified of me and they will quicky scurry away and/or watch me cautiously before sprinting into the weeds. One of the most fascinating creatures I’ve ever seen on my walks was a Mountain Beaver. This odd creature looked like the offspring of a rodent who had somehow mated with a Pit Bull - it was scurrying across the road in the dark and I think I audibly yelled, “What the %&$#@! is that?!”
Bobcat footage from one of my walks:
I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that plenty of bears and cougars have seen me on my walks. A few months ago, I did a quick estimation of the numbers of miles that I’ve walked here at my house… and my best guess is that I’ve walked the length of the PCT… back and forth. That’s over 5,000 miles… and that’s a very conservative estimate. My neighborhood is so wild and forested that there is just absolutely no way that a cougar or bear hasn’t been in close vicinity to me on one of my walks.
This might not be actual footage from one of my walks…
Over the many years of my life, I’ve had numerous incredible occasions to see bears in the wild — the majority of them being Black Bears, although I have seen a few Grizzlies in Yellowstone. While I’m not complacent to the dangers of human-bear interactions, it has been my experience that most bears I’ve encountered were incredibly fearful of my existence. When I hike in bear country, I intentionally make noise so that I can ‘warn’ bears of my approach and not startle them. When I have encountered bears on the trail, I will often bushwhack around the area where they are grazing for berries with a very wide berth so that they don’t feel encroached upon. I also use good practices while backpacking to keep my food safe and less-enticing for them. When I hike in Grizzly country, I always carry bear spray with me… and I’m even more conscientious about making noise.
When I was a kid, my parents took us to Glacier National Park on a trip (I’ve previously written about this trip — it’s the one where I tied myself to a tree). On that trip, we hiked the Iceberg Lake Trail, which is a really spectacular trail to a lake that has chunks of ice floating in it. We were hiking with a ranger-led group and as we were hiking, we came across a very ashen-faced family who informed us that they were turning around: they had just encountered a female Grizzly bear and her two cubs. The ranger leading our hike decided that we would continue, cautiously, while making a large amount of noise as a group. We all talked very loudly and make a commotion… and, sure enough… we never saw the bear. A day later, we were surprised to hear a flurry of sirens and a helicopter landing near our campground. The incident? A 67 year old man had been attacked by the same Grizzly bear when he was hiking alone… not making any noise… and unintentionally surprised her with her two cubs. The Grizzly attacked the man, biting him on his arm and head and torso. Shockingly, he lived — and I remembered seeing his interview on the news at some point where he accepted full responsibility for the ‘careless’ way that he had been hiking in known Grizzly country.
That night, I couldn’t sleep. To add horror to my stuffed quiver of bear-terror, we went to a ranger led program that night about bears… and the ranger leading the event told me about a book called Night of the Grizzlies. I went home, read the book, and decided that I would never go anywhere with bears ever again. If you’ve never read the book - it’s actually pretty fantastic… and it is a shocking look at the way that the National Park Service used to tolerate park restaurants dumping their garbage as a way to provide ‘entertainment’ for visitors in form of trash-eating bears. This behavior, unfortunately led to the totally preventable and very untimely death of a few backpackers who had unknowingly camped in the path that the bears followed to access their daily garbage meal. The book talks about the ways in which NPS reevaluated their own wild animal management plans as a result of this incident, and it’s pretty fascinating.
Over the years, and particularly as I started backpacking and hiking more when I moved to WA, I developed a new relationship with wildlife that was not based on terror, but rather, a relationship based on mutual respect. I am prepared for an encounter with a wild animal — but I also don’t live in fear worrying about one. I know what to do… but I don’t prevent myself from doing the things I love based on fear. My neighbors think it’s nuts that I walk alone in the dark, but I feel safe and happy when I do it. If I’m ever concerned, I do carry bear spray.
A few weeks ago, I came across a giant pile of bear poop on the road. Our local bear is named PHRITTER (pronounced ‘Fritter’ - like apple fritter). As a side note, all of the animals in our neighborhood have names that start with a ‘P’… I’ve included a little name guide below for entertainment purposes - ha! We caught Phritter on our game camera a couple of years ago… climbing up our apple tree, engorging on apples. When we walked through our yard the next day… there were piles upon piles of applesauce poop and claw marks on our apple tree. A reminder that we co-exist with beautiful, powerful creatures… and that unlike me, they certainly won’t let a single apple go to waste.
2. How do you know when it’s time to end or leave a relationship?
Note: my answer is not going to include situations where abuse (either physical or emotional) is present. If you are currently in an abusive relationship, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional or look for a domestic abuse resource center in your area that will be able to provide qualified and professional help to remove you from a dangerous situation. I am absolutely not a trained therapist and my relationship advice should absolutely not be a substitute for working with a professional provider.
I’m going to answer this question not as a relationship expert… because I would hardly consider myself a relationship expert. For context, I have been divorced once… and almost destroyed my current marriage, before deliberately and intentionally choosing to re-commit myself to it completely. As a result of these two experiences in my life, I have thrown myself into learning about and understanding the mistakes that I made in my past… and how my unconscious behavior and repeating patterns of seeking validation have contributed to actions that I take full responsibility for.
I’m also going to approach this question from a more broad perspective — since a relationship certainly does not have to be a romantic relationship in order to consider cutting ties with a person.
For some additional context, let me tell you about a repeating pattern that has occurred many (many) times in my life: a friend does something that, for some reason, triggers a feeling of abandonment or being left out within me. I am unaware that this trigger is coming from a deeply seated wound. I blame the friend for how I am feeling. I instantly cut the friend out of my life forever and move on — stating that they are ‘toxic’. Ugh. I am sorry to say that I left a path of destruction through my life… a trail of discarded friends and other humans who ‘hurt’ me, and (in my opinion), needed to be cut out of my life.
It took me many years to look introspectively at myself and to swallow the bitter pill that my own, deeply embedded wounds were the source of my pain… not my friends. In fact, upon recollection at most of these incidents of ‘cutting people out of my life’, I cannot recall one specific thing that anybody intentionally did to me in order to try and hurt me. The things that were ‘done to me’ were usually benign — being unable to attend my going away party… forgetting my birthday… getting a sense that they weren’t putting enough into our friendship, etc… In all cases, there was no intent to hurt my feelings — these were good people who were just busy in their own lives, and I was unable to offer them the grace of being human. Blinded by my own hurt, I blamed them, and cut them out of my life. It was unsustainable, and I found myself very quickly living in a world with no friends… because everybody eventually screwed up, in my skewed lens.
Many years ago, as I began a meditation practice, I started to discover a gap between who I was… and the thoughts that I think. As I began to realize that the thoughts that came into my mind were real… but not necessarily true, I started to wake up to the truth about life. I started to realize that some of the things that I told myself were keeping me imprisoned in a hell of my own creation. After a lot of therapy and learning and reading, I learned about the reasons why I had emotional wounds that shaped the way that I reacted and coped in my adult relationships. I learned to identify them when they surfaced… and I learned to handle them myself or with a therapist so that I was not blaming an innocent person for the pain that I felt inside. I took full accountability for managing my own feelings… and, gradually, my hair trigger faded to an occasional dull ache. Now, I can still feel it sometimes as a nagging pull… but instead of lashing out at somebody who did nothing wrong… I know to look inward for a sense of comfort.
This was a long way to say… that when I begin to have trouble in a relationship, I don’t immediately assume that it is the other person who is at fault. My first step is to look inward and to ask myself (honestly) if there is something going on within me that could be contributing to the difficulty that I’m feeling in the relationship. Specifically, I will usually ask myself: Is this a feeling I’ve felt before? Did I feel this feeling as a child? What was happening? If I can recognize the feeling almost instantly, it is a good clue that it is potentially the result of an emotional wound. For instance, and I’m embarrassed to share this horribly stupid example… a few years ago my husband and I were walking to the grocery store near our old house in Everett, WA. We were crossing at a crosswalk, and he started walking quickly and pulled ahead of me slightly by a few feet. Something inside of me almost instantly erupted in a rage that I could not explain — I felt furious and angry at him, and I started acting cold and distant from him and when he asked what was wrong, I snapped back. Even in the moment, I knew that my behavior was absolutely childish and ridiculous… but the truth of the matter was… I did feel angry and hurt. I just didn’t know why. I had no idea that it had nothing to do with him, even though logically I knew that a fully grown adult woman getting mad about her husband walking 2 feet in front of her was quite possibly the stupidest reason that I had ever gotten mad at somebody.
Since I was in the midst of therapy for examining these types of reactions, I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down. I began to take myself through the process of trying to identify the actual feelings that I was experiencing. As I felt more closely into the situation, I realized that I wasn’t feeling angry… I was feeling abandoned and forgotten and left behind. I felt unloved. Hmmmm. The more I thought about it… the more it seemed that this had very little to do with walking across the street to Winco. I was taking a marriage counselling class at the time, and the instructor encouraged me to reach out to my mom to ask her if I had ever had any experiences as a child that would have caused the same feelings of abandonment or loss. I called my mom, and she told me that when I was a kid she was finishing her master’s degree program… and that she would drop me off at a small daycare center called La Petit. According to my mom, I did not take this very well… and she regularly received reports that I spent my entire time at the daycare center screaming. Eventually, my grandparents (who lived nearby) would arrive to pick me up, where they would take me to their house and feed me ice cream for breakfast. No wonder I screamed about being there — I was a smart kid! I’m going to have to use my best baby voice to write this next sentence… but, my grandmother often told the story of driving past this daycare center with me as a child. Apparently, I’d point out the window with tears welling up in my eyes and I’d mournfully whimper the words, “Dat where I go!’.
Now, I’m not excusing my behavior as an adult — because it was, indeed, my behavior. But armed with this knowledge about a few years of my life when I struggled with severe separation anxiety and abandonment fear provided insight into my coping mechanisms as an adult. Namely, it started to make sense why my entire body had a physical reaction to my husband walking away from me. It had nothing to do with him — it was an automated, computer response programmed into my brain from the age of two that I didn’t even know was still installed. Luckily, once you know the program is there — you can work to uninstall it and to create a healthy, emotionally mature coping processes.
If you are considering leaving a relationship - the first place to begin is with yourself. Look at how you are feeling, and investigate whether or not your feelings are coming from your interactions with that other human… or from a previously installed program. Secondly, it’s also important not to gaslight yourself into thinking that your feelings are not valid. Your feelings, even those that are coming from deeply embedded triggers, are absolutely valid. Something that has helped me recently is imagining that I was the one who was doing the behavior that I am finding troubling in another person. For instance, if you are currently in a relationship where a friend or a partner is acting in a way that you find undesirable… perform a ‘mental swap’ in your mind where you are now the ‘doer’ of those behaviors. If you were doing those behaviors… what type of a reaction would you expect from your friends or partner? If you would honestly expect that somebody would have an issue with your behavior… then it is also completely reasonable for you to struggle with that behavior too.
An example of this nuance is really helpful. For instance, using the example of me getting angry with my husband for walking slightly ahead of me during a crosswalk… if I were to swap spots with him, would I expect him to react to me performing that behavior in the same manner? Or, more clearly stated… if I walked slightly ahead of my husband, would it be reasonable for me to expect him to suddenly snap at me and treat me poorly while giving me the silent treatment? The answer to that question is obvious: no, it would absolutely not be a reasonable expectation for him to respond in that manner.
Let’s take another, similar example: If I have a friend who forgets my birthday or isn’t able to come to my going away party… if I swapped places with them… would I reasonably expect them to cut me off as a friend forever? Absolutely not. I would hope that they would be able to see me with compassion as a human who is sometimes busy and distracted and/or dealing with any number of things in my life — and that it, most likely, was just a mistake. I would hope that they would be emotionally mature enough to continue a relationship after a small oversight like that.
Now let’s take a different example: Let’s say that you have a person in your life who gives you the silent treatment a lot… or maybe a person who acts or feels disconnected all the time. Maybe this person sulks and/or makes unreasonable demands. Maybe this person has stopped spending time with you and/or flat out refuses to contribute to your relationship. Perhaps this person ignores you, in favor of their cell phone… or perhaps they have a pattern of talking poorly about you in front of others. Now, swap places and imagine that you were performing that behavior to people that are important in your life. How would they react? Would it be reasonable for you to expect them to be hurt? Absolutely! Which means that it is also very valid that you are struggling with that current status of your relationship.
In either scenario - whether your feelings come from an internal trigger or whether your feelings are a result of somebody else’s hurtful behavior — they are all completely valid. And in all scenarios, you are ultimately responsible for your own emotions. The only difference is that in the scenario where my husband walked too far in front of me… after some internal reflection, I was able to identify the cause of my pain and move on. To this day, it has never affected me again. In the case of the friend who is being downright rude and/or stonewalling — I’m still responsible for my own emotions… but, knowing that the emotions are a result of some manipulative behavior might steer you towards either a difficult conversation with that friend and/or a decision to allow that relationship to move out of your life. As Eckhart Tolle says, you can give somebody a quality no.
In our Kula Diaries Book Club, we just finished Chapter 8 of ‘The Power of Now’, which talks about Enlightened Relationships. When I first read this book, I misunderstood Eckhart’s view on relationships. I believed that in order to be spiritual, you had to tolerate anything and everybody… and that you were obviously not present if you didn’t. I could not have been more wrong. Having a relationship with another person is absolutely not about accepting anything they do, even if it is hurtful or unpleasant. Being in a relationship with another person is not about needing them … or needing them to be a certain way in order for you to be happy. Being in a relationship is about prioritizing the relationship with yourself… being present with life itself… and then bringing that presence in union with others. Eckhart writes, “If you continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again. If you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world.”
Once you determine whether or not your issues within a relationship are coming from within you or from an unhealthy dynamic or behavior with another person… it’s time to sit for a bit with how you are. If you’ve been here a little while, you’ve read about the difference between ‘problem focused solutions’ and ‘solution focused solutions’. A problem focused solution is a solution that arises from wanting to ‘fix a problem’. A solution focused solution is one that arises from focusing on how you want to feel when you think about the ideal outcome for this situation. Ask yourself: How do I want to feel in this relationship? Then, spend some time really identifying those specific feelings. Take some time to re-center yourself and to do things that match the energy of those feelings… meditate, hike, go for a walk or a jog, be creative, spend time with yourself, spend time with other friends, do something new or fun, dance by yourself… really tap into the feeling of the solution for this particular situation in this particular relationship. I also want to point out that clarity is probably one of these feelings. Feeling unclear about what to do in a relationship is a difficult place to be… and the more that you focus on being unclear about what to do… guess what happens? You remain unclear. What does make you feel like you have a sense of clarity? When is a time in your life when you have felt absolute clarity… and what can you do from where you are right now to let yourself soak in that feeling?
Once you have isolated the feelings, spend some time focusing on them and allow them to permeate all the cells of your being, as much as possible. Then, from a place where you are in alignment with the feeling of the solution… see what happens. You will be surprised and delighted when answers begin to come clear… or your life starts to adjust in a way that more clearly shows you the path that you should follow in order to reveal the answers that you are looking for. If you find yourself questioning your own decisions, or your own heart, close your eyes and imagine yourself in the situation that you are going to take action on… really feel it as if it were completely real… and ask yourself, honestly, how it makes you feel. If it helps, you can speak your feelings (in the present tense) out loud into the voice recorder on your phone… or journal them, etc… Ultimately, this decision needs to come from a place of knowing in your heart… not a place of overthinking in your mind. As soon as you shift your decision making to one of being heart-centered… I am certain you will know exactly what you need to do. And once you do it - trust yourself. Ultimately, we each have to make difficult decisions in our own lives that we will second guess and wonder about … but trust your heart. Ultimately, we are all trying our best and sometimes letting go is an unexpected gift for somebody else, as much as it is for you.
Sometimes, a relationship has served its purpose in your life for both people involved. There doesn’t even need to be a ‘major reason’ or a dispute or horrible behavior. Life is meant to ebb and flow… and sometimes people ebb and flow in our lives too. Our job is to bring compassion to those relationships and honor them for the important lessons that they taught us about ourselves, or the way in which they helped us heal or grow or learn. Trust yourself to make a decision and know that you will figure it out no matter what.
I am wishing you so much peace, ease, clarity and love on your journey, friend. You aren’t alone - and you are loved!
3. Do you ever try to eat a meal so the final bite is the yummiest? (inspired by reading about burritos, cookies, and yogurt + granola)
I had to end with this question, since it’s lighthearted and fun… and about one of my favorite topics… food - ha!
Most of you know that I am on a ‘breakfast sandwich kick’ right now. I tend to be the type of person that goes on a series of ‘kicks’ throughout the year where I will eat the same thing over and over again for different meals. Right now, I am on a breakfast sandwich kick in the mornings… and a salad kick for lunch. Dinner is currently unpredictable… and desert is granola and berries and yogurt… unless it’s cookie night, ha!
I absolutely always make sure that the final bite is the most delicious. At breakfast, I eat a circle around my breakfast sandwich so that the last bite that I take in the morning is the saltiest, butteriest, eggiest, and cheesiest bite of the entire sandwich. I try to slowly eat the last bite so that I can savor all of the terrific textures. When I go on a scramble ‘kick’, I will eat around the entire scramble so that the last bite of all contains the most eggs, vegetables and the gloppiest blop of cheese possible.
I used to make my own trail mix years ago - which was a combination of various types of trail mix… some of them I bought at Trader Joes, but I also loved the B’s Fine Foods trail mix and their seasoned banana chips. I would specifically purchase the trail mix at Trader Joe’s that had both the M&Ms in it and the trail mix with the mini peanut butter cups. My husband and I would then spend our snack time assembling the ‘perfect bite’ of trail mix… which included a pecan, a seasoned banana chip, an M&M, a cashew, and a peanut butter cup. We would do this over and over again… and it was always just as delicious.
I’ve talked many times about my favorite night of the week - ‘pizza and cookie night’ - which is usually on Sunday or Monday, depending on our schedule. The past few weeks have been very emotionally and professionally challenging for me for a lot of reasons… but this week, cookie night still arrived on schedule. I eat my cookies with a tiny golden knife so that I can cut around the edge first and eat little ‘slivers’ of cookie. I am not a person who takes giant bites of the cookie… this is a process that absolutely must be savored at all costs. In fact, I’d rather not eat a cookie at all than eat it the ‘wrong’ way (according to me at least). I usually work my way towards the center of the cookie, which is the gooiest, most delicious part of the entire cookie. My final bite is the most scrumptious, thickest part of the cookie. It never gets old!
As this week’s AMA comes to an end, it is my greatest wish for each of you who is reading this message today… that you too may find the perfect bite … whatever that looks like for you. Maybe it’s your favorite warm and gooey chocolate chip cookie… maybe it’s the perfect bite of pizza… or maybe it’s the last sip of a warm mug of hot cocoa or a cup of tea. Either way — enjoy it like you’ve never enjoyed a sip or a bite ever before. Isn’t it a gift that we get to live on this amazing planet… and isn’t it a gift that we get to taste and see and hear and smell and feel? Take the time today to really savor the moment and delight in the experience of life itself. So often we miss these moments (myself included) … and maybe the magical tastes of life are there to remind us that amidst the unpredictability and chaos of existence … we can nibble on the last little, perfect bite of cookie and remember that the sweetness of life is still there.
Friends, you are very much loved. Thank you so much for being here. It’s hard for me to believe that this is my 22nd ‘Ask me Anything’ column - I am only one month away from writing in The Kula Diaries for a full 6 months, and I’m so grateful for your presence and for your interest in my writing — it really means a lot. I hope that, wherever you are today, that you find ease, peace and joy in your heart and that you have a beautiful day.
Love,
Anastasia
P.S. If you’d like to submit a question or comment for our next AMA you can do so in the Kula Diaries Vault anonymously. Thank you so much for your support. You are loved, friends!
I LOVE all the videos/pictures/and artwork included in this post! I know it takes a lot of time for you to put them together. So entertaining and fun!
Thank you for the pose! While touring Canada, I saw many bears and moose in the wilderness. In Malaysia, I saw a python and a crocodile. My most surprising encounter happened when I was in Yellowstone National Park, and I got out of my car to look at one of the guys in it. Fortunately, I didn’t let my dogs out of the car. Anyway, what I thought was a big giant boulder next to the geyser turned out to be a sleeping buffalo. 😬