AMA with AMA: Answering YOUR questions!
Dark days... living alone.. facilitating joy... And finding happiness.
Psst. As always, my posts are far too long for e-mail format, so click ‘read more’ at the bottom to see the whole thing!
Dear Kula Diaries,
It’s that time of week for another AMA column! AMA means, ‘Ask Me Anything’. You have the opportunity to submit questions… and then… I do my darndest to answer them to the best of my abilities.
Please keep in mind… I am not a therapist. These are my words, opinions, and advice. Please use curiosity while reading them and take what works for you, and feel free to ditch anything that doesn’t. Above all things — trust yourself more than anybody else (including me).
When I write my posts, I usually try to pick photos or images that specifically accompany my writing… but today, since I like to mix it up a bit, I’m going to share some mini ‘stories’ by way of photographs throughout the post itself. The photos are just a fun way for me to share things I’ve never written about with all of you, so I hope you enjoy them!
Ok… time for the questions!
Dear AMA,
How do your keep your “spirits” up when it’s day after day of grey and/or rainy weather?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that the question asker might also live in the Seattle area - ha! Of course, there are many beautiful winter days in the Pacific Northwest… but we also have seemingly endless stretches of dreariness. This dreariness isn’t just rainy (although sometimes it pours torrentially)… it’s a dank, cold, bone-chilling darkness that sometimes seems like it will never end. In the middle of winter, our days are very short: it gets light after 7 am and dusk settles in around 3pm.
When I first moved to WA, I didn’t realize how quickly that it got dark. When I was in the park ranger academy, a friend and I decided that we were going to climb Mt. Si, which is a popular hike near North Bend, Washington. We got a really late start and made it to the trailhead at 1pm. I grew up on the East Coast, and this wouldn’t have been that unreasonable… but we were in Washington, and we somehow didn’t quite realize that it would be dark in less than 3 hours. We made it to the summit of the peak and the sun started to set… and guess what I didn’t have? A headlamp. And my hiking partner didn’t have one either. Do you know what I did have? A miniature Nokia cell phone that looked like this:
The trail up and down the mountain was almost entirely covered in hard-packed snow… which very quickly turned to ice as the sun went down. Guess what we also didn’t have? Microspikes. So, we were essentially ice-skating down Mt. Si in the dark. If you live in Washington, this will make you cringe in ways that will likely cause physical pain — so I apologize for my hiking sins. My friend and I managed to hover our cell phones over the trail so that we could just barely make out the ground. It was so dark that I was concerned we wouldn’t make it off the trail. Suddenly… we heard voices… “Help! Help!”, echoed from the darkness ahead. A few moments later, we literally stumbled over a father and a son who had also forgotten to bring a light source on the hike. They were planning to call 911 for a rescue. “We can help you!”, my friend said reassuringly, “We’re park rangers!”. I still remember seeing the dumfounded expression on the man’s face reflected in the dim glow of my miniature Nokia phone, “Then why don’t you have headlamps?!”. He had a point.
That story has absolutely nothing to do with the answer (my husband laughed out loud when I read that sentence to him)… but it sets the stage for the darkness that we have to contend with here in WA. We get very little light, which means that getting outside and finding daylight takes some effort and planning. During the weeks when it is raining, it takes even more planning. I walk every single morning — rain or shine. This is a commitment that I have made to myself, and unless I’m ill, I usually don’t break that commitment. Every night before I go to bed, I check the temperature for the next day and I lay out all of the appropriate clothing the night before. This is absolutely critical. If it is raining out and you wake up in your warm, comfortable bed… it is very tempting to stay in bed (and it’s also OK if you do sometimes!). But, I’ve found that staying active is very important to my mental health during the grey season in the winter. If I don’t get out in the morning, it typically doesn’t happen. Good rain gear is a worthwhile investment if you live in this area. This is the gear that I typically have available to me in the morning:
rechargeable headlamp (because it’s dark)
heated gloves
rain gear if needed
boots if it is pouring rain
trail runners if it isn’t raining
warm hat or baseball cap
I also dance every single morning — sometimes it is on my own, and other times I am either leading a Dance Experiment Session… or participating in one. Joining a 30 minute dance party in the morning is like a wake up for my cells — and I always end up feeling amazing afterwards.
The other thing that I’ve noticed about the winter in Seattle is that sometimes I need to learn a bit more from my cats. My cats like to spend a lot of time outside, but during the winter… even on beautiful days… they spend a lot more time inside, resting. I feel like cats (and most animals) are very in tune with the cyclical nature of the universe — they intuitively know when it is time to rest and restore and when it is time to be more active. Humans tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves at all times to be constantly productive and to be ‘doing things’. I’ve been trying to do a lot less… not go as many places… be OK doing nothing… and allow myself to rest if I feel like it.
I’ve never picked a ‘word of the year’ - but this morning, as I was lying on the ground of my beloved cell phone tower platform - a word came to me very strongly. That word was SIMPLIFY. This, of course, is the most ironic word that I could have chosen — because owning and operating a business + writing The Kula Diaries + everything else in life = not simple. And yet, I do feel called to find ways to simplify things. Over the past few months, I’ve started to look at ways that I can release myself from some of the ridiculously demanding expectations that I’ve set. Can I be just as successful… if not more successful… while doing less? Why do we attach more work with success? If the flow of creativity and abundance and love are more about the energy that we radiate from within ourselves… then wouldn’t it hold true that we would be more successful if we took the time to nurture that delicate energy in a more meaningful way… rather than beat ourselves into submission by holding ourselves to an insane standard?
I don’t have the answers to those questions — and they decidedly have nothing to do with it being grey and rainy out. However, as I sit here right now, I’m watching torrents of rain pour off the roof of my house. This morning, I woke up at 4:30 am and slipped into my walking clothes (which I had laid out in my bathroom the night before). I popped on my headlamp, and I headed out into the dark. It was cold, but it wasn’t raining. Now, I’m making pizza dough… finished a batch of granola… and I’m watching my cats sleep as I listen to the rain. Maybe we are the the ones who got it wrong all along — somehow we’ve attached ‘dreariness’ to the rainy days… but maybe, it is the rainy days that give us the chance to become the most alive.
Dear AMA,
When was the last time you lived alone?
When I got divorced, I moved into a studio apartment in Tacoma, Washington. I lived in that tiny 600 sq ft apartment for a few years before I ended up moving in with my (now) husband Aaron. I had ‘moved in’ with my first husband almost immediately after we met — really without thinking about it… it just ‘happened’. There was no conscious decision making about whether or not it was a good idea to move in with somebody else… or whether or not we were even a good match for each other. We just started dating and then started living together. That seems to have been a pretty common pattern for me — doing things very unconsciously, without really considering whether or not it was a good decision.
After my divorce, I decided that I absolutely did not want to move in with anybody else right away. When Aaron and I started dating, we lived about 1 hour away from each other, so we only saw each other a few times per week. By the time we did decide to move in together, it was a very consciously made decision that I felt good about.
I really enjoyed living alone for those two years, and I felt like it was a very good ‘break’ for me after going through a divorce. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was consciously making a decision about being in a relationship with somebody else… rather than allowing the endorphins of the ‘honeymoon phase’ to make those decisions for me. Aaron and I just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt, that I genuinely love living with him. We have a very quiet lifestyle that mostly involves playing with our cats, spending time outside, playing music together, riding motorcycles (when it isn’t raining) and enjoying simple things in life — like pizza and chocolate chip cookies.
Dear AMA,
Can you tell us more about the role of the Joy Facilitators? (note: the question asker is not a facilitator, just a curious human)
My personal Dance Experiment started on January 1st, 2021. I decided that I wanted to see what would happen if I danced every single day. I have never stopped. As of today, I’ve danced over 1,060 consecutive days. On January 9th, 2022, I decided to start a ‘group dance experiment’ for Kula Cloth. I invited people to join me on Zoom for a morning dance party… and almost two years later, we are still going! There are even a few people who have been there for the entire two years. It’s a pretty remarkable experience, and one that I continually feel grateful for.
I led the first month of the group dance experiment by myself … and after leading almost 30 sessions in a row, my feet were destroyed. In fact, I ended up having to be placed on antibiotics because one of my toes got infected from over dancing - ha! The group of dancers was so enthusiastic that I didn’t want to call off the experiment… but I knew I couldn’t continue leading sessions alone. During the second month of The Group Dance Experiment, I had a vacation planned with my husband — so I reached out to the members of the community and asked if anybody wanted to help lead classes. Five amazing humans stepped up: Amanda, Courtney, Bonnie, Molly and Marie. I taught all of them how to work the ‘tech’ side of hosting a dance party on Zoom… and then told them to put their own unique spin on the experience.
Each Joy Facilitator is assigned to a specific day of the week. The day before their session, they send out the recording from that morning’s dance party… and they also include their theme (if they have one) and playlist for the following day and their selected meditation. A lot of the Joy Facilitators will write lengthy e-mails describing the inspiration for their theme. We’ve had playlists built around everything you can imagine: soil, crying, birds, milkshakes, candy, things you shouldn’t dance about, dogs, cats, wolves, strange sounds… and even a playlist about sushi. The playlists are wildly creative and fun and the Joy Facilitators put so much work into crafting a thoughtful experience for each morning’s dance session.
When the session begins at 6:30 AM, the Joy Facilitators start the Zoom call and typically lead about 5-10 minutes of friendly chatting before the session starts. Then, they mute the participants and start the meditation and the dancing. The Joy Facilitators spotlight their own videos for the dance session, so that participants don’t have to worry about being recorded. There is no ‘right’ way for anybody to dance in our sessions, so the Joy Facilitators are not dancing for people to ‘follow their moves’ — they are just dancing to express emotions… ‘energy in motion’.
When I started dancing over two years ago, I never imagined that I’d end up dancing with over 1,000 people over the next two years. I also never imagined that I’d end up becoming friends with such amazing humans. I’ve met two of the Joy Facilitators in person before — and all of them are simply incredible. Over the past two years we’ve been a part of each other’s lives: we’ve watched Bonnie’s daughter learn to walk… we’ve watched Amanda travel in her converted ambulance… we’ve watched Courtney get her first apartment… we’ve watched Marie lead a group of climbers up Mt. Shasta… and we’ve watched Molly adventure on backpacking trips. Perhaps more beautiful than the dancing itself… the friendships that have arisen from the Dance Experiment have been beautiful, real and based on a shared desire to create a little bit of joy every single day.
Dear AMA,
How can I be happy (or even just, not envious) of friends who seem to have “made it” when I feel like I am miles behind? And “miles behind” might not even be the right descriptor - I’ve spent the last year thinking I may not want the traditional adult markers of success (full time 9-5 job, marriage, house, kids) so how can I be behind if that might not be my “finish line”? … and yet, I am still playing the comparison game or sulking. Somewhat related: I have a female friend who cannot have biological children for medical reasons. How can she “be happy” for pregnant friends when it’s something she cannot access herself?
I’m going to answer the second question first… and, since I don’t have children myself, I asked my dear friend Amanda to help with this question. Amanda had a tragically challenging year, that included several miscarriages. I reached out to her for help with this question, and she gave me permission to share her answer with all of you. This is what she said with regards to your friend who is currently struggling with infertility:
I believe she is allowed to feel what she needs to feel: grief, anger, jealousy, feeling like her body let her down. What she is experiencing is a loss, a loss of a dream/life she envisioned for herself. She can acknowledge and give herself permission for her feelings to exist. I know our society doesn't know how to handle grief very well, especially an invisible kind of grief like infertility. I don't know how raw this news is for her, but it may be something she carries for a while and that's okay. I believe she may be more sad for herself than she is not happy for her pregnant friends, both feelings can coexist, because underneath the jealousy and anger is sadness. I know that her heartaches, so she is allowed to create healthy boundaries around pregnant people until she heals more. At some point she will find peace with where she is and acceptance and will hopefully find a rainbow of her own. Her light at the end of the tunnel might be a different route to having a baby but it might be something else entirely too, that's for her to discover. But for now, it's okay if she isn't "happy" for pregnant friends, the sadness she has needs to be loved first, I have found that happiness and joy will shine again after.
And now, here’s my response to the first part of the question:
As somebody who does not have all of the ‘traditional’ markers of success, I can assure you that while there is some discomfort in going ‘against the grain’… there is also great joy in carving out your own path in this world. I believe that a lot of people go through life very much on autopilot … checking off one box after the next, without actually stopping to consider if it is what they want to do. We accept the reality that we are presented with. We are told, from a very young age, that this is the path. And by path, I mean that we are all told that the ‘epitome’ of human existence is to get married… have a specific type of idealistic relationship with your soulmate… live in a specific type of home… work a specific type of job… have a specific number of children… and then, and only then, will our happiness arrive. Unfortunately, we’ve been duped a little bit… because I have yet to meet a single human being who fits into the exact mold as anybody else on this planet. As Alan Watts says, ““If happiness always depends on something expected in the future, we are chasing a will-o’-the-wisp that ever eludes our grasp, until the future, and ourselves vanish into the abyss of death.”
If I could go back in time, I’d tell the youngest version of myself that all of the entrepreneurial ideas I had when I was a kid were worth pursuing… that all I really needed to do was to be present, follow the good feeling thoughts… and see where they went. And that I could create my life into anything that I wanted. I’d tell myself that there were no limits or rules, and that I was free to do and explore anything that I wanted to do — while simultaneously respecting others’ desires and ability to do the same. I’ve always thought it would be such a boring world if we were all exact clones of each other — so why do we so quickly buy into the reality that there is one ‘route’ to follow for all humans?
You are, friend, it sounds like, in a very exciting moment in your life where you have woken up to the fact that you get to choose what your life looks like. This can feel a little scary, because it might not look like the life that other people have chosen, which might open you to judgment based on their insecurities. Keep in mind, this judgement is not about you… it’s about them. Often, I believe that it is deeply rooted in their own realization that they did not take the time to truly listen to their own heart while they were creating their life. Traditional markers of success are only success if they meet your idea of what success for you looks like. If ‘success’ for you does not look like being married and having a house and kids… then try and let go of that standard for you. Maybe success looks like traveling the world and living in unique places … or starting a business… and not having kids.
Personally, I did find it challenging to pivot in the middle of my life. By all accounts, I was checking ‘the boxes’ — I went to college, got a good job, I was married at a young age, had a house… but then the facade that I never really wanted came tumbling down, and I got a divorce… and moved into a studio apartment. I’ve never wanted to have children, which went directly against my father’s deepest wishes for me as a ‘successful human’. I stopped going to the Catholic church that I had grown up in… got remarried, quit my ‘stable’ job and started a business. It definitely has not be easy… and it definitely has not been pretty all the time, but I do feel like I finally have intentionally carved out my own little nook in the world… filled with the things that I felt called to pursue.
Here’s the other thing: you mention that you’ve been sulking and playing the comparison game with other people. It’s easy to say that those ‘other people’ are causing us a feeling of lack… and it is hard to do this, so be easy on yourself… but where is that feeling of lack really coming from? For me, it was not coming from the people in my life who never seemed happy with anything that I had done. It was also not coming from the people who were doing their best to live their own lives. It came from within me. It was a deep wound and a need to receive validation from outside of myself in order to feel good about who I was. It hurts to recognize this, but as we learn to see it and tend to our own inner wounds… we begin to heal and we begin to allow ourselves to grow and bloom in the ways that we were supposed to be flourishing all along. It sounds like this is the phase you are in: slightly attributing your discomfort with where you are in life in comparison to others… but ready to accept the fact that those feelings of discomfort are really originating inside of you. Once you begin to look deeply at this truth, healing becomes possible and you will accept, love and adore all of the beautiful parts of who you are — and success will look exactly like what it is meant to look like for you… not for anybody else.
Finally, I think it’s important to really let go of the idea of success in general. For me, success is showing up every day and doing my best … that’s really it, and that’s a big enough ask most of the time. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to accomplish things? Eckhart Tolle says, “There is nothing you need to become.” Wouldn’t it be wonderful to wake up every single day and to know that you are living your life’s purpose… simply by being a human on this earth? Isn’t being human enough, without having to put so much pressure on ourselves to be something more than human? On the days when I struggle the most… I find a spot to lay down and look at the sky. I remember, even for a moment, how tiny I am in the big scheme of the universe. I remember that my thoughts are like colors, painting the sky of my consciousness… but they are not necessarily real. I let them float by, like clouds — and I try, like a perfectly imperfect human, to get up and do my best for another day.
Friends, thank you all so much for being here. I hope that my answers have done justice to your beautiful questions. If you have a burning question to ask, you can always drop it into the Kula Diaries Vault for me to consider for a future AMA. There are a lot of questions in there right now, so please know that I’m trying to (eventually) get to all of them without completely bombarding your inbox with e-mails - ha!
I hope that all of you have an absolutely beautiful week, wherever you are. I am wishing you ease, peace, wellness and joy. You are loved, friends.
Love,
Anastasia
P.S. Our Monthly Event Schedule has been posted - and we are starting a brand new book this month. If you’d like to join our book club, we’d love to have you! You can find all the info in this post right here.
For my final photo of the post… I decided to find a photo from December 6th of last year, to celebrate the passing of a a full year… and this was the only photo in my photo album:
The question asker lives in England :) Thanks for writing!