AMA with AMA: Answering YOUR questions!
A tricky work situation... feeling weak... morning routines... and my favorite tree!
Psst. As always, this post is far too long for e-mail format, so click ‘read more’ at the bottom to see the whole thing!
Dear Kula Diaries,
This week on the AMA… I’ve plucked some great questions from the Kula Diaries Vault. When I was a kid, I used to read Ann Landers’ advice column almost every single morning. Did anybody else read that? I fantasized about having my own advice column someday… and whaddya know… the universe has a funny sense of humor, right? That being said, I do think it is important to share insights with all of you. We all have so much to learn from each other (and I learn a lot from reading your questions!). Keep in mind that I’m sharing insights… not facts or truths. I’ll do my best to provide what I think could potentially be helpful advice… but I want you to know that above anything (including my advice)… trust your heart. You are the one creating your path… not me.
So… let’s dive into it. There are some really good questions today, and I’m really looking forward to sharing some conversation around these ideas!
Dear AMA,
I am in a tricky situation where the next step in a long-term project requires feedback from colleagues in another department (they are people I do not directly work with and don’t know well). However, after over a month with several reminders to please fill out a short feedback form (we even ended up giving them their choice of platform to provide feedback after the second try) - there are zero respondents.
I am stuck on knowing how to approach this situation - it sounds like sending more reminders is not the right tactic, and I do not want to use a “shame” approach (e.g. zero of you have filled this out - there will be consequences if this keeps happening!)… I was inspired by the way you responded to the angry email from a Kula non-customer… and I’ve been thinking about how that approach might map onto my situation.
Do you have an idea of how I could think about this puzzle in a different way? Maybe another way of asking this: how do you react when other people’s lack of response is holding your work back?
<note: I did slightly edit this question for brevity, but the complete gist is still there!>
First off, I want to commend you for not taking the tempting route of nagging or shame. I do believe that you are correct in your determination that an approach of that kind would likely have the opposite effect on your mission, which is ultimately to inspire folks to respond to these surveys.
I’m going to start by asking you what the ideal outcome is for this particular job task. I’ll simultaneously go out on a limb here and guess that the ideal outcome is that people willingly, easily and effortlessly complete and return their surveys. Secondly, I’d love for you to ask yourself a follow-up question: what does this feel like? I’m going to surmise a few answers here … but be sure to do this exercise on your own if you want to add more things that I couldn’t possibly know about.
Based on your description, it sounds to me like it would be very rewarding and satisfying to have folks filling out their surveys. It feels like collaboration… and ease… and a job well done. It feels like a sense of accomplishment. It feels like a sense of fulfillment. It feels like a sense of connection to people that you otherwise wouldn’t have met. It feels like a sense of freedom and creativity and fun. I also imagine that there is a sense of ‘smoothness’ — the best way that I can describe that is: it feels like things are clicking into place at right time and that new ideas are blooming as a result of the project you are working on.
Keep in mind - my description is based on very little knowledge of your actual job, so take my description with a grain of salt… and make it your own as needed. I would recommend, if it feels good to you, speaking the ideal outcome and how it feels out loud into your voice recorder on your cell phone… or typing it out and printing it up so that you can read it a few times and really allow yourself to ‘marinate’ in the sensation of the successful completion of this project.
One of my favorite quotes by Abraham Hicks is… and I’m paraphrasing here…, “The problem and the solution are not on the same frequency.” We, the incredible humans that we are with our amazingly beautiful brains, are very good at focusing on problems… and the lack of solutions. When we do that, while we absolutely do not do it intentionally, we continue to hold ourselves in the resonance of the problem. In some cases, we are able to ‘muscle’ our way to a solution — but it often feels forced (i.e. the shame or nagging that you described in your question). Problem focused ‘solutions’ do not come easily, and they never seem to flow organically and naturally.
Solution focused solutions are different. Solution focused solutions start by acknowledging that there is a problem of some kind… but then intentionally and deliberately moving our focus to the ideal outcome that we desire… and allowing the energy of the solution to inspire our creativity. These are the moments in which ‘out of the box’ ideas magically seem to pop into our psyche… these are the moments when we suddenly get a little burst of energy to try something that is totally new and different and exciting feeling… these are the moments when the ‘A-ha!’ arrives… and suddenly everything clicks into place.
The biggest trick (and it’s not really a trick) when it comes to solution-focused-solutions … is that you can’t really look for them… because when you look for them… you’re unintentionally directing your attention to the gaping hole where they should be. Namely, you’re focused on the lack of the solution. So, the first step is recognizing that a solution-based-solution is something that will arrive on its own and/or in a way that you may or may not expect. Think of yourself as more of an ‘allow-er’ than a ‘need-to-figure-it-out-er’.
The first step is to pinpoint the vision of your ideal outcome… and the second step is to ask yourself how that outcome feels. The third step in this process is to let those steps go just a little bit… find a sense of openness in your heart… and then see if there is anything that you can do, from exactly where you are right now, that will allow you to feel a tiny hint of the feelings that you’ve described about your ideal outcome. For instance, if you described the ideal outcome as feeling like: creativity, connection, ease, satisfaction, clicking into place, and fulfillment… ask yourself… What can I do right now, without needing any surveys to be returned to me at all, to experience these feelings?
Write down a few things that feel like a good match to the feelings that you named. These can be work related… but they can also be completely (seemingly) unrelated to work. Some possible ideas include (but are not limited to):
inviting some co-workers for a creative break in your office to paint or share stories
hosting a tea party (virtual or in person)
designing something that feels creative to you and sharing it with a few other people at your job
taking a walk through your office (if it is a physical office), and making an effort to meet new people
virtually introducing yourself to people in a new, fun way
changing the place where you eat your lunch at work (if that applies to you)
working in a different location than normal (if you are able)
changing the background image on your computer
spending 5 minutes at the start of your work day writing down positive attributes about the people who are going to respond to your survey
write a creative, heartfelt letter of appreciation to the people who are going to respond to your survey (don’t need to send it) … include what it means to you that they filled out their response
when you are finished your work for the day, change something about your evening routine to include finding a feeling of deep satisfaction… maybe you go for a walk… look at the sky… drink some hot cocoa… paint a picture… take a warm bath… anything that allows you to feel content
brainstorm some more ideas that match the feelings you’ve described - there are no limits!!
One thing that really stood out to me in your question was that you don’t know these people well. Therefore, it is my gut instinct that the lack of connection that they feel with you is a contributing factor to their lack of excitement to return these surveys. I get a lot of e-mail that comes through my inbox, and most of it, I delete… unless it comes from a company that is owned by a friend of mine. Then, I excitedly open the e-mail (even if it is a marketing/sales e-mail), because I am proud of them and I want to see what they are up to in their business. With that knowledge — and focusing on the feeling of connection — is there anything that you can do that would give you the ability to connect with these people in a more meaningful way? A video message? A personal visit to their office? A handwritten card? A Zoom call that you could host that would be more of a fun ‘event’ that also happens to mention these surveys?
Humor is also a fantastic way to approach people who seem indifferent about being responsive. Is there a funny way that you could put a spin on this job that you’ve been tasked with? Obviously — you’re in a tough spot … because I doubt that a ton of people would jump in line to be the person who is required to collect surveys from people who are very unenthusiastic about the surveys… but is there a way that you could use that to your advantage? Writing a fun, light-hearted newsletter from your perspective… designing yourself a silly logo and putting it on your communication e-mails? Branding yourself a little bit so that people feel like they are a part of something special that hasn’t ever been done before? If you are able to create a fun, positive energy around what you are doing it will attract these people to you, because they will want to be a part of what you are doing.
In some of the most frustrating situations that I’ve ever experienced, I’ve found that responding to e-mails with poetry… or silly logos… or sending people stickers… or writing funny newsletters (obviously in your own words — and only if this wouldn’t get you in trouble in your specific job culture) have worked miracles at building the community and connection that ultimately resulted in a positive interaction. If you find yourself feeling somewhat hopeless about this particular situation… see if you can ‘catch yourself’ going down that rabbit hole of thinking about the things you are frustrated with… and see if you can discover a new little mantra: There is a solution, and I’m open to receiving it. The solution will come to me. I’m doing my best. Everything is going smoothly, and I know I’ll figure it out.
It is my deepest hope for you that this situation will ultimately bloom into something far greater than if it had just yielded the expected results. Who knows where you might end up as you venture down an unknown, more creative and unexpected path? I believe that the brightest moments of radiant light in our lives emerge when we look for them in places where they do not appear to exist. Amidst frustration and a lack of communication… there is great opportunity, and it’s very evident to me that you realize that… because you didn’t do what most people would have done in this situation, so you should be very proud of that. This is such a brilliant opportunity to create something new and different, and I am confident that it will lead to a positive outcome - whatever that might be.
When I was a railroad police officer, I was given the task of being a Safety Leader, which I took very seriously. I had a supervisor during the first part of my employment with BNSF who was very encouraging and uplifting and who saw the value in creating a community and a culture around safety. As a result of that, I was inspired to different ideas and opportunities that really helped to bring our department together in ways that it never had been before. I started writing a Safety Newsletter, which featured personal and professional accomplishments by our officers. I reached out and contacted FitBit in order to purchase discounted step counters… and I organized two department-wide step challenges (something that had never happened in the history of the railroad). I also coordinated video challenges that encouraged folks to film videos of themselves talking about different safety tips. Week after week, a new officer would share a video… and then nominate somebody else to share the next video… and so on and so on. In the history of the BNSF Police Department, this had never happened. Our department, while it was chock full of some pretty incredible humans, was not the type of department that would rally around a step challenge or a ‘pass it along video’. And yet… they did. There were some men that I worked with who can only be described as…. salty. And you know what? Even they participated. Willingly. One of them took me aside one day at a training and said, “I don’t know how you do it Anastasia, but you really can bring people together in a meaningful way.” That compliment has stayed in my heart for a long time now, and while I’m proud that I was able to use my community-building skills at the railroad… I’m even more proud to be able to bring that to a much larger audience now with Kula.
In my time as a community builder… it was never about ‘getting people to participate’… it was about trusting that they would participate, and then allowing the ideas to flow to me… and then sharing them with enthusiasm, love, kindness and a genuine heart. I believed in everything that I did at the railroad… just like I believe in everything I do at Kula Cloth. It sounds like you really believe in the mission of what you are doing too… and when people understand that… when you radiate the energy of gratefulness for them… they will be attracted magnetically into what you are creating and why it is important. You have the opportunity to do something far beyond the survey here. You have the opportunity to connect and create a tiny community around your work. Focus on that… and the answers will come.
I can’t wait to hear how it goes for you — and if there is genuinely any thing that I can do to help… if a letter from a nano-celebrity pee-cloth-entrepreneur will help your cause… or a video plea from a violinist wearing a unicorn mask… ask, and you shall receive. You are loved, friend. Thank you for being here!
And just because I couldn’t help myself…
Dear AMA:
When is the last time you felt weak? What did you do?
I’m going to be completely honest with you… I felt weak this past weekend. I actually felt physically weak, as well as emotionally weak.
Last week, we moved into the new Kula HQ… and it was emotionally exhausting for me on many levels. I made a bunch of mistakes… struggled with some challenging things… and simultaneously tried my best to keep it together for the sake of the people who work for me.
I absolutely do not always have it together. On Sunday of this past weekend, my husband and I were trying to clean our house… since Kula is no longer located in my guest room or shop, we’ve been able to clear out a bunch of space which is very exciting for us. About half way through the cleaning process, I started to feel physically weak… I could barely move, and I felt like I had to lay down. It honestly felt like the weight of the entire week had finally caught up with me. I laid down on our guest bed and proceeded to have a terrible dream about a chimpanzee and a mountain goat attacking my cats. Ugh. It was not fun.
When I feel weak, the first thing that I do is simply notice that I’m feeling that way. In the past, I might have tried to push through it… I might have tried to completely ignore it… or I might have tried to deny it. But now, I try to observe it. Here I am, feeling weak.
Another thing that I would have done in the past is try to work harder to compensate for a feeling of weakness. Namely, I would have tried to push away the weakness using things outside of myself as a substitute or a balm. Now, if I notice that I’m not feeling in alignment with creativity… I stop myself. I decide that it’s time for a nap… or a break… or a cup of tea… or time to dance… or time to take a walk outside. Sometimes, if I’m feeling physically weak, I will sleep a lot. I know that I talked about my lengthy morning routine and my push ups and lunges… but I also want to add that if I am feeling physically tired or weak… I won’t do those things just to force myself to stick to an arbitrary schedule. I listen to my body, above all other things… and if my body is telling me to rest, I trust it.
When I was a kid, the overarching messages that I heard over and over again were things like Put your shoulder to the wheel. Work hard. No skylarking. There was absolutely zero emphasis placed on self-care or rest… because those were things for people who couldn’t handle the truth (or something like that). Needless to say, this type of work ethic also leads to a pretty severe bout of unsustainable burnout that doesn’t allow for the complexities of the ebb and flow of life and all of its experiences and emotions. Over the past few years I’ve gotten very good at cutting myself off from work… and only working when I feel like I’m in a state of mind that is attracting good things back into my work and my environment and my business. For instance — if I’m working from a place of feeling weak and unconfident… I will likely be operating from a place of feeling insecure, and my work product will be imbued with that sense of insecurity. If, however, I take the time to create a little bit of distance between myself and the work…. focus on refreshing my spirit a bit and reestablish a connection with the why of what I’m doing… I am often able to come back to things with fresh eyes that look at the world through a lens of gratitude.
I’ve talked about these things before, but I’ll mention them again. If I’m feeling weak… or lacking… or fearful… there are a few ‘tools’ that I use to re-establish a connection with my heart: gratitude, giving, appreciation, forgiveness, meditation, and movement. This is, perhaps, the most important tool kit that each of us owns… and yet, far too often, we forget that we have these tools available to us. Some of the tools might not be accessible at all times… for instance, if you are feeling particularly hopeless, you might not be able to access the tool of gratitude… but you might be able to do a short meditation. You can use these tools interchangeably and in various succession to help you find a teeny tiny handhold to start pulling yourself away from the grasp of weakness and into a place of strength.
Ultimately, strength comes from within us — not from outside of us. If I look for strength and meaning in the things that I do, they will never provide the satisfaction or fulfillment that I am looking for… because they will never be enough. Once you begin to look within yourself, you begin to see and appreciate the incredible miracle that you are. Gradually, the weak or fearful moments become less common… or, even if they do happen often, they don’t have the same devastating effect. In fact, they almost feel like simply a regular part of the experience. When I felt particularly exhausted and weak over the weekend, it didn’t make me feel like a complete failure or hopeless… it was more of an acknowledgment, “Oh, this is something my consciousness is experiencing right now… this is a little bit of a sign that it’s time for me to rest and restore my connection to myself.” Learning to see a feeling of weakness as neither good nor bad… but rather, as a clue to what is going on within you… is the beginning of allowing it to be an important part of your emotional compass — guiding you on a path to discovering the infinite strength that exists within you at all times.
Dear AMA:
What would happen if you couldn’t follow your morning routine?
Most of you know that I am, essentially, a human robot. I am a person who thrives on having a routine… however, I will also add that I love to mix up my routine on occasion, because I do believe that doing the same thing over and over again yields exactly the same results. So, I guess you could say that I am routinely changing my routine. Ha!
There are many circumstances in which I do not complete my full morning routine (which usually includes 1-2 hours of walking + dancing + meditation). For instance, a few weeks ago, my husband and I left early in the morning for a motorcycle trip… which meant that I wasn’t able to do my normal morning routine. If that’s the case, it never upsets me or bothers me at all. I usually just adjust and pivot and an intentionally find a way to include the important parts of my routine into the day in other ways — trusting that the shift in my normal schedule is an important part of my path.
A few weeks ago, we left really early to go to the airport for our flight to South Dakota. I ended up doing a meditation on the plane, which was really lovely. I also danced that afternoon in the yard at the AirBNB where we were staying. I used to be a person who could not feel peace unless things were a certain way. It took me a lot of dissatisfaction with the present moment to realize that controlling things outside of myself and saying, “Things have to be this way in order for me to experience peace”, was really holding me away from experiencing all that life has to offer. Even things like meditation can be malleable. Show me the person who wants to make an argument that playing with or observing cats isn’t a meditation and I’ll fight them (lovingly).
Recently, I have discovered the joy of getting back into bed in the morning on the weekends. I still wake up really early to walk and dance and meditate… but when I get back to the house, instead of immediately starting my regimented schedule… I’ll jump back into bed. My husband does not have the same affinity for early morning wake ups that I do, and I’ve really enjoyed having my solo morning routine… and then coming back to the house and actually allowing myself to lay down and relax again. Sometimes I’ll fall back asleep… but sometimes I just lie there, watching the dawn through our windows. This morning, I climbed back into bed after my walk, and I watched the mist swirling around the trees and I tried to take the time to appreciate everything that I could see. It was a lovely, peaceful way to enjoy the morning — and it didn’t involve any productivity (in the traditional sense of the word) or trying on my part.
If you are a person who does have a morning routine… or wants to have a morning routine… my best advice is to be gentle with yourself. I rarely do exactly the same thing every single morning — I like to change it up, and I trust my own intuition and feeling about what I need that morning. Be OK with shortening it if you need to… you aren’t going to lose anything. Instead… be open to the possibilities that exist when you do change your routine, and trust that you are always moving in the right direction. If you miss a meditation… or skip your walk… that’s totally fine. The power of a morning routine is in consistency over time… while simultaneously allowing life to happen in a way that feels natural and meaningful.
The purpose of a morning routine is to prepare your energy for the day ahead. Namely, instead of immediately jumping into familiar energies like business and chaos… a morning routine gives each of us the chance to answer the question: How do I want to feel today? A morning routine is an invisible paintbrush that allows us to pre-pave our own path and cultivate what we want to create in our lives. That being said, we cannot be solely dependent on specific external actions in order to create that energy. Ultimately, that energy is always within us. That means that the energy of stillness exists within us if we are driving to an airport at 4 am… or if we are meditating on the side of a mountain at 4 am. It is up to each of us to remember that truth. My morning routine is what revealed to me the existence of that presence… and it is up to me to remember it is there, even if I can’t spend a few hours walking.
The last thing I’ll add about morning routines is that they do not have to be lengthy. I wrote an ironically lengthy post about how short my very first morning routine actually was. I did not start with a 2 hour long morning routine. I started with a 1 minute long morning routine, that is very very easy to include every single day, even if your schedule is a bit tight. If you are in the beginning phases of starting a morning routine, I’d encourage you start with something that will easily and effortlessly fit into your morning… and then watch as that energy of stillness ripples out into your life and creates more space. You will be surprised and delighted at the goodness and peace that you begin to find in unexpected places.
Dear AMA,
What is your favorite tree?
I’m going to end our weekly AMA with a little bit of a ‘lighter’ question than the previous ones. This question delighted my heart when I read it, because I am a tree-climbing child at heart. As a young kid, it was hard to keep me out of trees. In fact, one of my most vivid memories took place at Valley Forge National Historic Site when I was about 12 years old. I was climbing a big, beautiful tree in the park when a Law Enforcement Ranger in a patrol car drove by… slowed down… and stopped. They didn’t exit their vehicle at all… they simply got on their loud speaker and yelled, “GET OUT OF THE TREE!!!” I was devasted and ashamed… and all of the things that a little 12 year old tree-climbing girl would have experienced when she got ‘in trouble’ for doing something wrong, even though she didn’t really understand what she had done.
In retrospect, I understand that tree climbing is dangerous and that when you have lots of people climbing trees… it can damage the trees over time. Of course, hearing that explanation might have helped as a kid. I think that it was the anonymity of the ranger, the lack of understanding, and the public humiliation of being yelled at over a loud speaker that probably triggered my shame as a child.
Many years later, I would also go on to become a park ranger… and like that ranger, I would also have to deal with the great conundrum: how do you protect a place while simultaneously allowing humans to access it for the purpose of appreciating it? The things I’d learn as a park ranger were things that I’d never imagined I’d see: in addition to resource violations, the biggest issue that we were tasked with was the removal of waste… both human waste and garbage. It’s quite a task… and a messy one, at that.
One day, I was patrolling the beach area at Twanoh State Park on the Hood Canal in Union, WA when a visitor approached me with a question. It was a question that I had heard a billion times, and when I responded back to the visitor I experienced the strangest sensation… it was almost as if I was listening to myself respond as an outside observer. I heard myself respond back to this park visitor with a tone in my voice. After they had left, I gasped internally. I felt awful. This person had done nothing to be treated with disrespect, and yet, I had responded in a snippy way. In that moment, I realized something very important: Yes, I had answered a specific question 10,000 times already that summer. But, this specific visitor had not personally asked me the question 10,000 times in a row. This visitor had only asked me the question once. Suddenly, I thought back to that tree in Valley Forge National Park that day… and to the ranger who had yelled at me from their PA system. The tone that they had in their voice said, “I’m sick of this shit from dumb park visitors.” It had made me feel terrible as a kid. Now, as a park ranger, I hoped that the visitor that I had snipped at wouldn’t remember me in the same way… decades later.
I would later take this same knowledge to my job as a BNSF Railway Police Officer. While I can’t say that I was always perfect, and there are some moments where I allowed frustration to get the best of me (I’m human) … I worked my hardest to be professional and compassionate… and to see the humanness in all beings, regardless of why I was speaking with them.
So, my favorite specific tree… is that tree (to be honest, I’m not even sure what kind it was… my best guess is an Oak or Maple) in Valley Forge National Park. Out of every tree in the entire world, it is the tree that has left the biggest impact on my life. I don’t even know if it is still standing… but I’d recognize it if I saw it. Based on its size, it could have been a couple of hundred years old… which means that it would have been a seed or a sapling in the late 1700s, when Valley Forge was used as an encampment. I’d like to think that if somebody else had seen that tree back then… that they would have hoped that one day, it would be climbed by child. I’d like to think that hope is shared… and that the hope of one being can be passed to another. That tree gave me the gift of compassion in an unexpected way — and I am forever grateful for the lessons it offered me.
Friends, thank you so much for being here and for being a part of my Kula Diaries Community. I am so grateful that I get to share these writing pieces with you and I genuinely hope that my words or advice resonates or inspires you in some way that creates a bit of a ripple of good in the world. As always, please feel free to submit a question or comment anonymously to The Kula Diaries Vault — I love reading your questions and comments, so thank you!
Have a beautiful day, friends. You are loved!
Love,
Anastasia
Me too! I loved climbing trees as a kid! My favorite was a willow tree in my backyard. And when I was a little older, I had a treehouse in a chestnut tree. Such great memories for me. It’s where my love of the outdoors was born.