AMA with AMA: Answering some DEEP questions.

Holiday challenges and burning bridges + a little song from me to you.

Psst. As always, my posts are far too long for e-mail format… so click ‘read more’ at the bottom to see the whole thing!

Dear Kula Diaries,

Do you want to hear something amusing? When I sat down to write my AMA this week, I actually thought to myself, “I’m going to pick some really easy and light-hearted questions to answer this week.” Ha! And yet, as I perused the Kula Diaries Vault for questions that felt relevant… there were so many that really struck me as being important. So, I opted for two deeper questions this week… and then added my own little touch at the end… plus a reminder of The Question Game for any upcoming holiday meals that might be in dire need of some wholesome conversation.

Ok… let’s dive (deeply) right into the questions!

Dear AMA,

It feels incongruent (or even disrespectful) to celebrate holidays when there’s so much going on in the world that makes my heart ache. How can I make sense of this? I haven’t really been able to ‘celebrate’ anything since pre-2020. I realize that no day in the world is without a tragedy or injustice somewhere on the globe… how did I manage to ‘put this aside’ for so long, but in the last years feel completely weighted down by being unable to celebrate?

Friend, you are such a tremendously beautiful soul — and I want to acknowledge the goodness and the loving compassion within your heart. I am sure that there are many people who resonate very much with this question, and while I always tell people to read my words with curiosity (not as fact), I hope that I can offer some insight on the subject.

First, I want to say that there is absolutely no requirement whatsoever to celebrate holidays in a traditional way, if that doesn’t feel good to you. The holidays represent a lot of things to a lot of different people, so I would encourage you to do what feels best. I consider myself a very happy person, but I definitely don’t go ‘wild’ at the holidays. My husband and I decorate our home with our beloved cell phone branch tree and we spend the day with our cats. We rarely go to parties and big celebrations just aren’t a part of our personal tradition. We are definitely in the classification of ‘quiet celebrators’.

That being said, I think that your question goes even beyond the scope of the holidays, to ask, “With all that is going on in the world, how can I find a reason to be happy at all?” This is a complicated question — and as a very happy person, I will tell you that my happiness does not mean that I do not care. In fact, my happiness means quite the opposite — my happiness is in resistance and defiance to the darkness of the world and it is a deliberate and intentional way that I can find the feeling of the solution… which is the feeling of peace, joy and love for all beings.

One of my favorite meditations by Thich Nhat Hanh

I’m not sure if you are on social media at all, but if you are, finding a sense of happiness amidst the constant inundation with negativity can be a challenge. I think that social media and the never ending deluge of information is in great part responsible for difference between how you used to be able to celebrate things… but now find it more challenging. There seems to be a pervasive (and untrue) belief on social media (and media in general) that if you are not spending 100% of your time feeling despair for others, then you must not really care about what is going on in the world. It is very easy to be sucked into this collective consciousness and to subsequently feel guilt for wanting to enjoy life. I want to offer a different perspective to this view: as you enjoy life and as you reach for better feelings of joy and peace and happiness… you are doing the one simple thing that you can do from exactly where you are right now to contribute to the good of the world: you are creating and cultivating the energy of love. It might seem like a small thing, but I assure you, it is not. It is the most powerful thing that you can do… far more powerful than resonating with the energy of suffering, because you are making a deliberate choice not to contribute to the energy that wants to suck all of us in with its snaky grasp. I’ve often wondered what would happen if I were to ask somebody who was experiencing personal tragedy in their life if they wanted me to suffer on their behalf. I don’t even have to ask that question to know the answer — of course they wouldn’t want me to suffer. Of course they would want me to live life to its fullest… because they truly know how precious of a gift it is.

I’m going to tell a personal story about my experience with the exact feelings that you are describing. After I was laid off as a park ranger, I took a job as a railroad police officer. Without going into too much detail, I will say that some of the things that I personally witnessed and had to handle as a part of that job are things that I cannot unsee. I will never, ever describe what I saw … because, quite frankly, it would be too traumatic for both me and my readers. Suffice it to say, I suffered from tremendous PTSD — including nightmares, depression, and, at points, an inability to function ‘normally’ in life. How was I supposed to go out and enjoy a hike on my weekend when I had just witnessed something so atrocious and unthinkable? I remember one particularly horrific week where I had handled four back to back fatalities. My husband and I were supposed to leave for vacation the next day, and I had to go drop my cat off at special cat kennel since we didn’t have a house sitter yet. I remember standing there in the cat kennel, watching my cat going into the little pen… and I broke down in hysterics. I couldn’t stop sobbing. I drove home and I cried and I cried and couldn’t stop crying about the cat. Finally, my husband looked at me… knowing what I had experienced that week… and said, “I don’t think this is about the cat.”

Niko - He is pretty majestic!

Eventually, and with the help of some therapy, I was able to see these tragedies differently. Instead of obsessing about them… and instead of looking at the horrific things that had happened, I trained myself to see the love that was still present — the Good Samaritans who arrived… the other first responders who provided compassionate love and care… the outpouring of love for the family that was involved. I learned to see that even in the place of intense darkness… the love was there. In fact, it was there more than anything else. Handling these incidents taught me about the precious gift of life and the miraculous power of love. They ultimately gave me more of a reason to celebrate. Sometimes the ghosts of those moments still arrive to visit me unexpectedly, but I can recognize and accept them — and decide to honor their presence by allowing myself to celebrate life with joy.

I listened to a talk one time that really stuck with me. The speaker was talking about how so many people spend their entire lives feeling distraught about things that were far beyond their scope of influence and control… and simultaneously, they neglected the things that they could control. Namely, their own internal energy and space and the people that were directly involved in their lives. The energy that you create from within yourself matters very much — do not underestimate this. The energy of love, joy and peace has the power to transmute suffering and to transform the lives of millions. This is a difficult question, so approach it with gentleness and an open heart, but honestly ask yourself, “What good am I able to create when I deny myself the joy of existence on this planet?”

This question is not meant to guilt you for anything you’ve done or for anyway that you’ve experienced horrible tragedies and injustices in the world. It is meant as an opening to expand your horizons beyond looking at what is wrong… and to begin the process of transmuting your anger, sadness and despair into something better. In the face of tragedy, it is normal to experience a grieving process, so please know that this is not about telling yourself to, ‘just be happy’. You have to start exactly where you are — which might be a place that doesn’t feel very good. Start by really acknowledging and sitting with your feelings and nurturing them. I’m going to provide some links for a few meditations in one of my answers below that might help with that process (see below!). Allow your difficult feelings to be there, and take the time that you need to be with them. As you think about the holiday season and/or things that you enjoy — honestly ask yourself what would feel good to you. If you feel guilt over these things, sit with the guilt and ask yourself where it is coming from. Is it coming from the people in the world who are experiencing injustices? Or is it coming from within you? Making a decision to let go of difficult feelings doesn’t mean that you are immediately going to rush out to Costco and purchase a 6ft tall plastic nutcracker statute to place on your lawn… but it might mean that you allow yourself to enjoy life again, without feeling bad about it. And, through your own enjoyment, perhaps you will be inspired to ideas that will contribute in positive and meaningful way to the causes that you care about and/or other people who are working hard for those causes.

Comedy break from the deep answer - ha! I took this photo as a joke for one of my Kula Employees… I told him I was going to buy this for him to put in his college dorm. For the record, I did not.

During COVID, I started hosting the Kula Power Hour, because I was feeling something similar to you: I wanted to feel excited about the things that I wanted to create in life, but I felt guilty for being happy. I decided that I wanted to designate a special hour of the month where it was OK to come together and to leave the negativity behind and allow myself to fully immerse into the excitement of life itself. Do you know what? So many beautiful friendships and ideas came out of that Power Hour … and it rippled far and wide into the lives of a lot of people. To this day, I still host the Power Hour every month and a group of us get together and we feel good and excited about being happy to create things that we want to see in life. We do this even when there are tragedies and injustices in the world… and especially because there are tragedies and injustices in the world. We make a conscious decision to add light into the darkness and we know, believe and have seen that the ripple effect of our love does make a difference.

When I think about my contribution to the world, and how I want to experience life and my own energy… I have established a little bit of a ‘priority hierarchy’. Tending to my own health and well-being is always my number one priority — without this, nothing else really matters or is possible. If I allow myself to doom scroll social media all day long — what will be the quality of the actions that I am bringing into my relationships that day? If I am spending my time focusing on things that are completely out of my control — how will that benefit the relationships and commitments that are important in my life? This is how my personal priority hierarchy looks:

Keep in mind, that there can be many overlaps in this hierarchy. For me, my business is very much intertwined with some of the most important people in my life. I am intentionally giving more of my energy and focus to the things within my immediate sphere of influence or control. If things that I can’t control… are controlling my life… what can I do to change that? Can I take an action step? Contribute in a meaningful way? Wonderful! But, if feeling despair is the only action that I can take, I will decide to focus my attention elsewhere or take a step in a different direction. Simply destroying my own inner environment (which would affect the most important things in my life) is not an option and I will instead focus in a direction that will cultivate something productive and good.

There are many, many things that I cannot control in this world — in fact, most things. The only thing that I can really control is myself and how I show up in each situation. It is critically important for me to monitor my own inner landscape so that I can show up and bring goodness into the world in meaningful ways. If I am giving away my energy to things that are completely out of my control — then I am missing opportunities to add more compassion or good in the areas where I do have influence. I am also less likely to be inspired to actions that could potentially make a difference.

Finally, I will add that happiness and celebration does not have to be exuberant and over the top. You don’t need to buy extravagant gifts or decorate every inch of your home. Celebrating might not feel ‘happy’ to you — but it can feel peaceful. It’s OK to let yourself feel good. You can look around you and instead of carrying the weight of the world… you can notice the faces and laughter and the kindness of the people that you are choosing to spend your time with. So often we kid ourselves into believing that this isn’t important… but friend… it is the most important thing that we can do. It is through tending to the garden of our own inner space that we allow the universe and the world around us to bloom. As we enter the holiday season right now — whatever you choose to do —- please know that I feel joyful in my heart that a kind, caring and compassionate person like you exists with me on this planet. That, above all things, deserves a celebration.

Dear AMA,

Some parts of life felt easier when regulations were in place to stay home. I didn’t feel so left out anymore. But now that things are mostly “back to normal” in the lives of others - I am still at home and for physical/medical reasons, not really able to get outside (though I was able pre-2020). I get a bad reaction when people send me photos of their events and travels (note: I am off social media) and in one instance, I’ve tried to explain the reaction I have when getting these photos and told them what topics set off a bad reaction. Their response was that they feel like they’re walking on eggshells around me. A few months passed and they’re sending the same kinds of photos again. And unsurprisingly, I am having the bad reactions PLUS feeling misunderstood. I am trying to see it from the other person’s shoes that they feel like they cannot share certain news with me - but that doesn’t take away the pain/bad reaction I feel. How can I promote my own wellbeing without burning a bridge? Or is ‘burning a bridge’ a valid decision here, even though it feels a bit aggressive?

Friend, first off, I want to acknowledge that your feelings are absolutely valid and real. You are doing nothing wrong in any way, and the past few years have been really challenging for a lot of humans to navigate. This is a complex situation that you are describing — and I want to first say that I am absolutely not a therapist whatsoever, so please read my words with curiosity and interest — and please consult a therapist if you feel that you need additional support through your journey.

My husband knows the ‘eggshell’ feeling very well, because he has expressed it to me many times over the years. In the early days of our relationship he spent many years walking on eggshells around me, because he could never know or predict what would ‘trigger’ me. Out of the blue, he would ‘do things’ that would illicit an anger response from me… and there was no way he could have known that it would upset me. Invariably, I would tell him what he needed to do or not do… but it was never enough, and he was left feeling very confused and lost.

Another comedy break: Actual photo of my husband from a few years ago.

When we feel (very real) anger that we believe is the result of other people’s actions, it is natural to want them to change their behavior in order to alleviate the pain we are feeling. In the face of those overwhelming emotions, it is a much more difficult and brave choice to look within ourselves for the source of that anger. What I discovered, when I was able to finally look at it… is that it was not anger at all. It was a fear of being unloved… of being abandoned… of being left out. It was, in fact, not me at all. It was a little 10-year old me who was being bullied and tormented over and over again by the kids at her school because she had short hair, a southern accent and was decidedly different from the other kids in the school.

So, my first recommendation for you is to sit, very uncomfortably, with your own anger. Close your eyes and allow yourself to feel the negative reactions as they surface in your body — where do you feel them? What does it feel like? Have you felt those feelings before? Can you pinpoint moments in your childhood when you felt something similar? Look beyond the anger — can you see what is there? Most commonly, it is a feeling of being unloved, unheard, forgotten, or left out. It can be shocking to witness these feelings, because they have been there for a long time… often masquerading cleverly as anger, so be gentle with yourself as you approach them. Once you are able to recognize some of the feelings that are beneath the anger, see if you can provide yourself some comfort. I often use a technique that I learned from Tara Brach’s book, Radical Compassion: I will envision somebody very close to me standing behind me and and touching my shoulders. I will usually do this with my eyes closed. For me, it’s usually my mom’s mom (my grandmother) that is with me in these difficult moments. Experiencing that deeply profound love from another in the face of these difficult feelings is overwhelming, and I will often weep with the feeling of love and care that emanates from within my own heart. I will visualize myself as a young, sad girl who just wanted to be loved and to fit in… and I will give her the love and the care that she needs.

This is a great meditation that you can use if you are just starting on the inner healing part of this process:

And here is another practice by Tara Brach that will guide you through the process of RAIN, which is the technique that she recommends in her Radical Compassion book for learning how to nurture our own difficult feelings:

Now that you are working on healing you inner wounds, you will be able to approach your external world from a place of deep compassion and forgiveness. Please keep in mind that this is not about accepting everybody’s behavior at all times. You are absolutely allowed to set boundaries and give a ‘quality no’ to things that you determine that you don’t want in your life experience. The healing of the anger that you experience is not to let somebody else ‘get away with something’ — the healing of the anger is for you. Because you deserve to have a peaceful life, and it is impossible to control external situations, which means that in order to find the peace that we are looking for — we have to start from within ourselves.

That being said, it sounds like some boundaries would be important for you. Have you explicitly told your friends that you do not want them to send photos? If not, I would recommend finding a way to kindly tell them that you would prefer not to see the photographs. This will also be a good time for you to determine what you would like the quality of your friendship to be like — if they don’t know what your expectations are, it is going to be difficult for them to abide by them respectfully. Many years ago, I am ashamed to admit that I would not tell people my expectations… and then I would get mad at them when they couldn’t read my mind about what I wanted or needed in order to feel included. It is difficult to tell people what you need in order to feel loved or included, but if you don’t tell them, they won’t know. Take some time to consider what your ideal friendships would look like with these people. Is there a way that you can build your continuing relationship around things that you all have in common? Maybe you don’t talk about traveling or physically related endeavors… but maybe you decide to start a small book club together? Or perhaps you all work together to find something that you can share in common? I think you will be surprised that when you can set clear boundaries and expectations, while simultaneously working to heal your own inner wounds, you will be delighted at the depth of your friendships.

I spent a lot of my life cutting out people who were ‘toxic’ or people who had, ‘hurt me’. When I look back at it now, I’m very sad for a lot of the relationships that I cut out of my life. I know, within my heart, that none of those people had intended to hurt me. If I had been willing to look within myself at that time, I would have seen a wound that I didn’t even know was there. Once you begin to expose this wound to the light — it heals quickly, because it is replaced by love, compassion, trust and understanding of others. This wound is the way in which you open your heart to the people who care about you — it is a place where you begin to reveal who you really are, and it is the place where you will discover a true sense of belonging within yourself and with those that you love.

I am wishing you a lifetime of meaningful friendships, good conversation, ease and wellbeing. Please know that you are loved very much, friend. You aren’t alone out there and there is so much good in the world — and it includes you. None of what I have written about is easy, and it may even be difficult or upsetting for you to read. Please know that I have been in your shoes… and I have also continued walking. It is a beautiful world when we can let go of our heavy burdens and find the joy that was meant for each of us. Sending you a lot of love today, and all days.

And finally… a song for you.

I have a lot more questions that are waiting patiently for me to answer them in the Kula Diaries Vault … so I want to thank ALL of you for submitting them. It really means a lot for me to read through them and to have the chance to answer them… and I hope that I am doing justice to your feelings in a compassionate and kind way. I deeply care about other humans — and it is truly an honor to be able to talk about deep things with all of you.

This week marks the ‘start’ of the traditional ‘Holiday Season’ in the US (and other places too). Whatever your traditions or beliefs — please know that you belong here on this planet and that you are an important part of whatever ‘all of this’ <gestures to the cosmos> is. I am wishing you a peaceful week that is filled with ease, connection, joy and peace in whatever ways feels best for you. One of my favorite quotes from Eckhart Tolle is, “If you think you’re enlightened, spend two weeks with your family.” Ha! That man has such a fantastic sense of spiritual humor. I’m going to cut and paste the directions for The Question Game down below if you are looking for a fun, wholesome way to have enjoyable and delightful conversations with the people that you care about.

And finally, I wanted to share a little joy about the past weekend. We (me and Rose), The Musical Mountaineers performed our very first feature concert and about 150 people attended. The event was filled with a lot of friendship, connection, joy, love, poetry, and nature. It was such a beautiful experience — and I am so grateful that some of you were there to be a part of it. We performed a collaborative song from Lord of The Rings — ‘Concerning Hobbits’ — with our friend Chris. We even wore hobbit capes for the performance! It was so much fun, and I am feeling very grateful for the opportunity to share music with others.

Rose, Chris and Me - The Musical Hobbits!

Since sharing music and words brings me a lot of joy — and since I’ve written a lot of words above… I thought that I would end today by playing a song for all of you. This is a song that I play a lot… it’s The Ashokan Farewell by Jay Ungar. Somehow, it always seems to say exactly the right thing at the right time. I hope that it brings a little bit of joy into your life today. Thank you all so much for being here.

Love,

Anastasia

P.S. If you’d like to submit a question for a future AMA - you can do that by clicking the link for the Kula Diaries Vault. Thank you so much for your submissions!

Directions:

This game can be played with two people... or many people. Pick one person to start off... and that person gets to ask the first question. The Questioner asks the first question... it can be anything (but keep it fun). For example:

If you had to eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be?

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?

Tell me about the best outdoor experience you've ever had.

What's your most ridiculous camping story?

Next, answer the question!! If you are playing as a group, make sure to pass the questions from person to person. Get as detailed as you want and share your answer. Now it's time for the fun part... once you answer a question, you get to ask a question back... but you don't just get to volley the exact same question back. Inspired by your answer, you must ask an entirely new question. For instance... if you got super detailed about the pizza (obviously) that you'd want to eat for the rest of your life... you might be inspired to ask a question like... "If you were to open a pizza restaurant, what type of pizza would you serve and what theme would the restaurant have?"

 Keep going back and forth... asking questions that are inspired by your answers. You will be surprised, delighted and amazed at how much fun this is... and the enjoyable curiosity that is sparked through these fun questions.

My husband and I 'invented' this little game as a way to re-connect with each other after spending nearly a decade apart (due to opposite work schedules). We still play this game all the time, and we always learn something new about each other. By the end of the game, we are usually so involved in a fun conversation that we forget about the game - ha! I hope that it brings a lot of joy and connection into your life too.